by HOLLY LYNE Oct. 29, 2019

Stars: they’re just like us, except when they aren’t. And when it comes to skincare, they’re nothing like us.

Your #MCM uses 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner, and body wash on his face, and it shows. Meanwhile, celebrity skin glows from within like it’s being lit up by a (prohibited) candle. Kendall Jenner got pimples once and landed a Proactiv sponsorship. Shawn Mendes told his fans that he has never washed his face and that his skin is clear whenever he’s happy.* Jennifer Aniston’s face is smoother than black ice on a Brunswick sidewalk, and 50-year-old Paul Rudd looks younger than a prospie. So the question remains: in a skincare market overcrowded with lotions and potions, what are these celebrities really doing to look like that?

As the Harpoon Beauty Correspondent, I did a little digging and found the surprisingly simple, all-natural celebrity skincare secret that you can easily try at home: drink lots of water…and get plastic surgery!

There’s no need for overpriced exfoliants when you can just flush out your pores by drinking tons of water and use the money you’ve saved to pay for some guy in Beverly Hills to take a scalpel to your face. If you drink so much water that you pee your pants during a lecture, you’re definitely on the right track. Keep going! Drinking more water plumps up your skin cells, which, combined with your fillers, will give your face that hydrated, Kris Jenner facelift look we all strive for. 

And if you find yourself plagued with more and more wrinkles, you can just chug some H₂O, stop doing all that homework that gives you stress lines in the first place, and buy a little Botox. Another alternative—one of the most effective, scientifically-proven facial routines today—is simply to drink 64oz of water and then ask your doctor to recreate Bella Hadid’s new nose. 

Even more, some people like to get color with spray tans, but a well-kept beauty secret is that if you drink enough water, your body will think you are in a warm climate and your skin will revert to its sun-kissed hue. This won’t be that hard for you to do because I’m assuming that as a Bowdoin student you already have either a Nalgene or a Hydroflask. 

Say goodbye for good to your undereye bags and ugly zits! With a little water and a lot of disposable income, you too can cast a Hollywood glow beneath the Bowdoin Pines!

*This isn’t satire—it really happened. (Hyperlink https://www.wmagazine.com/story/shawn-mendes-skincare-routine)