by JACK SHANE Dec. 5, 2019

According to many reports from the campaign trail, Obama’s best friend and Ukraine aficionado, Joe Biden, has been giving speeches that touch many in the crowds, and also include some emotionally moving language.

            Witnesses describe his speeches as “very awkward” and “confusing.” They have said Joe “I Know Barack” Biden brings several different people from the audience up to the stage and proceeds to give them unexpected, unwarranted, and excessively loving back rubs. Other reports say he congratulates the people on being “more attractive than the average working class American” and suggests they be featured in his ad campaign.

            Biden is quick to tears, proven by the many photos on in the internet of him letting them flow, but nothing makes him cry faster than a someone who doesn’t want to be touched. At a rally in Arkansas, Biden was discussing his “black roots” when a supporter shied away from his reaching hand. He abruptly stopped his story and started crying—saying he was affected by the lack of loving touch in our current political system. Marianne Williamson tweeted this moment with the caption, “Biden says it best. We need more kindness and love and to amend our constitution to be my two books, A Return to Love and A Course in Weight Loss.”

            Biden has long been criticized by the media for his tendency to touch, but it seems to be helping him on the campaign trail. He is polling around 27% right now and credits physical touch with all his success, saying, “If you want to reach people, you have to touch them. You just cannot feel people without getting fingers on them.”

            Despite his success, reports show that fewer and fewer mothers and young children have been attending his rallies. In fact, the majority of his supporters seem to be priests and single old white men who were once priests.