Pros and Cons of Returning to Campus

by JACK SHANE

Pro: Seeing all of your friends.

Con: Having to explain why you suddenly have a toupee.

Pro: Starting your Environmental Science class.

Con: Recognizing that we will destroy Earth long before we can stop global warming, causing you to invest all of your money in SpaceX and sign up to colonize Mars.

Pro: No longer having to explain why you chose to go to school in Maine.

Con: You are in Maine.

Pro: Reading The Harpoon again.

Con: Reading The Orient again.

Pro: Seeing the juniors returning from abroad.

Con: Getting diagnosed with an obscure disease after shaking their hand.

Pro: Your Polar Points are replenished.

Con: You have somehow already burned through a vast majority of them.

Pro: You are one semester closer to graduating.

Con: You fall into an existential crisis as time stops for no one and you feel like you were just yesterday turning 13, but in a flash you are no longer a teenager and people expect you to be “an adult”, partaking in “adult” activities with other “adults” as the impending reality of the world outside of our Bowdoin Bubble makes itself known to you, painfully, growing in presence with every passing “adult” day and soon, should you be “adulting” correctly, you will have already started a family, ended it, and started anew only to produce children who fall into the same trap of completing one more semester simply to enter into the same existential crisis that you found yourself in only a handful of lines ago, and soon enough they are writing a similar piece in the Bowdoin Harpoon of the future about “adulting” and you have become so “adult” yourself that you are dea—.

Pro: Seeing the lovely face of our very own Clayton Rose.

Con: Having to explain to your friends why this is a pro.

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