Woke Student Falls Asleep in Class

by WILL HAUSMANN

During syllabus week, many students returned to campus after a restful break ready to learn all that the world has to offer. And then there was Erik Star ‘22, self-proclaimed to be one of Bowdoin’s wokest students, who just couldn’t keep his eyes open during a riveting discussion of essay requirements in Integral Calculus.

Star reported that he was awoken to the injustice being done to the snowflakes in mid-November.

“Every day the sun rises up and tries to destroy these precious snowflakes. Snowflakes with loved ones, dreams, and passions,” Star told the Harpoon. “I have spent every single second since that fateful November day fighting to protect them.”

Since this life-changing shift in perspective on November 17th, Star has not slept—staging protests against the sun, listening to the snowflakes’ stories, and begging BPD to “God dammit, do something” against this endless violence. All the while, Star has somehow accrued even less sleep than the first year in Intro to Sociology class who insists on being Bowdion’s first quadruple major and taking seven classes next semester.

It appears, however, that Star was finally exhausted after 72 straight days and nights without sleep. After nodding off in Searles 113, he would not wake for 28 straight hours. Even first responders from Peer Health could not awaken Star from his slumber.

“The plight of the snowflakes was just too much for one person to bear. My wokeness could only be sustained for so long, and now I must sleep,” Star told the Harpoon, evidently sleep talking. Star can be found this Friday, hosting a trash-burning bonfire behind Quinby House.

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