Vans Headed to Polls Create Major Pileup on Maine Street

by JACOB BASKES Mar. 3, 2020

Today is Super Tuesday—the one day during election season in which 14 states head to the polls. In order to encourage campus participation in the Democratic primaries, vans have been leaving campus every thirty seconds to take students to their local polling place. The high number of vans, however, along with the fact that a majority of drivers are from California, have led to a seventeen-van pileup in downtown Brunswick.

 A representative for the Bowdoin Student Government recognized the accident as “an unintended consequence of encouraging democracy in our state.” While the idea was inspirational in theory, she admitted that organizers “should have thought about how many students would actually need to be shuttled from campus, as well as which students should have been trusted with other human beings in the car.”

Reports show that the College only had 13 vans available this morning. The remaining four that are trapped in the heaping pile of white-painted metal are of unknown origin but show clear signs of having been hired by representatives of Bernie Sanders’ campaign, such as Blundstone stickers on the rear window and the insistent desire to ask something of you.

Approximately 70 students are trapped in the vans currently, because God forbid they should walk, at least 30 of whom had previously expressed the intent of writing in votes for Pete Boot-Edge-Edge.

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