Rose Enforces 5 PM Deadline: Patrols Campus on Horseback, Shoots Remaining Students on Sight


Since last Wednesday’s announcement that the College would be closing its campus and transitioning to a virtual learning model among fears of COVID-19 transmission, students have been receiving daily reminders to pack their rooms and depart as soon as possible. “Students who are on campus without permission after 5:00 pm will be subject to disciplinary action,” wrote Dean of Student Affairs Janet Lohmann in her final campus-wide email on Wednesday morning. “Also, I have seen your memes and find them kind of mean but also flattering, therefore I will be permanently adopting the nickname, ‘JLo.’”

What the email failed to mention is that it will not be Security enforcing the 5:00 PM departure. Instead, after re-watching I Am Legend every night for the past week, a rifle-wielding Clayton Rose on horseback will be leading the charge.

On Wednesday morning, Clayton Rose reached deep into his closet for an outfit that he had never, in his time as President, had the opportunity to wear. As the riding boots, velvet jacket, and rifle holster went on, he explained, “Obviously, as a rich white man, I own this outfit. But it feels like I now have all the presidential power that the educational bureaucracy had been withholding from me,” Rose wrote in email correspondence to the Harpoon. “It might take me a few laps around campus to get my riding skills back up to par, but I’m really looking forward to the whole thing. You simply can’t get the feeling of the wind in your face, the rifle on your back, the delightful obedience of students—any of it, really—when you’re walking your dog around the quad. Plus, I never liked most of you shits to begin with.”

Rose intends to patrol the entire campus, including academic buildings, residence halls, and public spaces, encouraging students who seem to be slow to move with a warning shot. Come 5:00, he says, “the game is on, and I’m currently out of meat in my freezer and who knows how long it will be until I can go to Whole Foods again.” It is at this point unclear how Rose intends to maneuver his horse through tight stairwells, but administration has reiterated via email that “this is a time for adaptation,” and that “Bowdoin horses are smart and innovative and will certainly figure something out, probably.” Rose began his patrols at 8:00 AM this morning.

“It was incredibly daunting to see him like that,” said a student who had recently returned from her spring break to definitely not Italy. “He was trotting up and down the hallways of Coleman 3rd, knocking the butt of his rifle on every door. Bathrooms too. He was hugging his horse, and at first I figured he just really loved it, but then I realized his head would be halfway through the ceiling if he sat up straight.”

Other students have reported seeing Rose and his horse in the Moulton Union Light Room, the Buck Gymnasium basement, and patrolling the C-D staircase of Coles Tower. Another student claimed to have seen the duo watching from the overpass between Druckenmiller Hall and the Hatch Science Library, though this has yet to be confirmed by other passersby.

As of this afternoon, no students had been fired upon by Rose, though we will continue to update this story.

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