By JACQUELINE BOBEN Apr. 4, 2020

On Sunday, March 30th (or was it Saturday? I have lost track of the days and my pants) many College Houses decided to hold their weekly house “meetings”. They had been advertising their gatherings as “open events” to all students, telling them, “No I.D., No Meeting ID”. This did nothing to impede the Brunswick Police Department’s apparently continued commitment to ensure that students respect the law.

In order to obtain the Meeting ID, which just so happened to include four instances of the number “69”, Officer Larry Willes is reported to have Instagram DM’d an unnamed Social Chair, writing, “hey what’s the meeting code tonight im excited to drinx without the stupid bpd lol haha they suck right?”. The student responded immediately, unknowingly offering the BPD full access to the night’s virtual festivities.

“Yeah, it is not creepy at all,” said Officer Willes. “I just pretended to be a student and made a fake student ID to get the meeting ID. Safety of students is my number one priority. Also we can’t keep spending this money on dunkin’!” Additionally, Willes rejected The Harpoon’s use of the word “catfishing” in our preliminary interview. “That’s not what it was at all. You can’t call it catfishing if I got a grant for this. Can you?”

According to Willes, students began the house meeting with a “Natty Chugging Contest,” with one victor claiming the title of “Natty King.” Students have confirmed that Willes did in fact win this competition. “I wasn’t sure who this Larry kid was, but I thought he was rad,” recalled one house member. “We were all shotgunning, and he literally used a shotgun to open his can. Dude’s sick.” Officer Willes claims he did not want to crash the fun too soon.

Students were shocked when later, after finishing 5 rounds of beer pong and chatting about their inclusive presence on campus, Larry all of the sudden revealed his identity and asked for ID’s. “We had just cracked open our White Claws, and I think someone said, ‘no laws when you’re drinking Claws,’” said a first-year affiliate. “Out of nowhere this Larry kid pulled out a badge and told us to stay where we were, and not even think about exiting through the chat window. I knew his moustache and the toddlers in the background were weird.”

Students were shocked that their Zoom call was busted, but also told Larry to stop by in the fall for the 2020 House Crawl.