by LIA KORNMEHL April 22, 2020

When Karen Jackson went to her local Whole Foods to restock on avocados and organic Jojoba oil shampoo, she was expecting social distancing and increased hygiene, but was instead greeted with raised eyebrows and frowns.

After medical professionals and the CDC began encouraging people to wear masks in public, Karen and others in her Moms 4 Kids Facebook group have taken the directive very seriously. “Honestly, people these days are so sensitive… like my skin,” she said, dropping a 5-pack of green tea hand wipes into her cart. “It’s from Korea, by the way,” she whispered,” and they, like, totally flattened the curve there.”

Karen, who encouraged us to refer to her as Mrs. Jackson, has been replacing her mask each day “religiously.” Unfortunately, the masks she has been buying are adult-sized and don’t adequately protect Jackson—er, Mrs. Jackson’s two children, Ryleigh and Kyleigh. For them, she has explored more kid-friendly options, like sliced cucumber and thin sheets of 4-karat gold. “It tastes like metal,” said Kyleigh from behind her glistening face-covering. “I miss other times when my mom would shave the gold over my açai bowls. Now I have to wear this stupid mask of it.”

When her husband was asked what he thinks of Mrs. Jackson’s new regimen, he simply folded his newspaper and huffed, “I just can’t believe they closed the office.”