By Noah Saperstein

In the Year of our Lord 2022, many afflictions have continued to plague ordinary American citizens.The deadly virus Covid—19 is still spreading and mutating, global tensions continue to rise in both Ukraine and Taiwan, and I still cannot scoop out that last little bit of JIF peanut butter without accidentally getting some on my hand. In addition, new contagions to keep us up at night have been spreading. Classified by their signature “Pox” names, the first was chickenpox but more recently monkeypox has been the pox of choice, even being classified as a “Public Health Emergency of International Concern” by the WHO. However, Monkeypox is only the tip of the iceberg. Our esteemed epidemiologists at the Bowdoin Harpoon have uncovered several more pox diseases on campus.

Goldiepox — Includes the infamous Smallpox, Bigpox and Just-Rightpox. Symptoms include increased propensity to break and enter homes and an insatiable appetite for oatmeal. 

Pox & Bonds — This awful illness immediately lands you a job at your daddy’s investment firm in Boston. Those infected by Pox & Bonds are also 3x more likely to mansplain crypto and consume thousands of hours of Andrew Tate.

Writer’s Pox — …

Donkeypox — Mainly 

Grandpox — Shingles. 

TedPox™ — Causes infected persons to break out into poorly timed 20-minute motivational speeches.

Hotpox — What happens when monkeypox meets your mom’s 2012 honda civic, three friends and an ounce. 

Reepox — A pox much more fashionable in the 1980s.

Tupox — The classified contaigen developed by the CIA to target the famous rapper. After uncovering this plot, Tupac faked his own death and escaped to Cuba.

Jock’s Pox — Makes you want to read children’s books.

The Annual PoxWalks 5k — Designed to find a cure.® 

Polarpox — You get 150 of them at the beginning of the semester and some spread them all in the first week, some don’t spread them at all.

Blackpox Down — The real reason it crashed. 

Bopox — Infected individuals have partial facial paralysis but hey, if it makes you look a few years younger, maybe it isn’t so bad. 

FauxPox — A pox for hypochondriacs. 

K-Pox — Symptoms include obsessive BTS listening and if you’re white, unnerving Koreaboo tendencies 

Bagel & Pox — As if Jews didn’t have enough to worry about, a pox just for us.