The Dark Brandon Rises

By Jason Olaru-Hagen

The United States of America is in danger. The forces of chaos and QAnon are taking over, Jack. But, I believe that America will meet its moment. A fire will rise. A president will meet his destiny.

For a long time, I’ve been feeling down about the state of the world. War and strife are devastating countries from Ukraine to Yemen. Economic inequality is growing, and everything at the grocery store is more expensive than it used to be. The UN says climate change will lead to unprecedented catastrophe if we don’t start curbing global emissions by 2025. I am still terrified to talk to that cute girl who sits across from me in Intermediate Spanish II – Section A (CRN: 10431). But for the first time in a long time, I’m starting to feel hope. 

I hated having President Trump in office. I am privileged enough to be in the dominant category of basically every demographic. It was nice when Obama was president, and I didn’t have to think about politics that much. But then the orange guy was so bad, and everyone got so mad that I started to think there might be something fundamentally wrong with our nation’s economic system and political order. But then Biden won, and he said he’d restore the soul of our nation! That sounded nice, so I felt better.

For a while though, it seemed like Biden wouldn’t do the things he promised. I worried that maybe Democratic politicians don’t actually want to pass some of the policies they put on their own platform. But I watched more MSNBC and figured out that if anything bad happened it was because of the Republicans, and that Brandon is trying as hard as he can. And after weeks of scheming in the darkest caves of the Deep State, our president has unleashed his new campaign of national rejuvenation.

THE INFLATION REDUCTION ACT! Through means-tested consumer subsidies and tax rebates, The United States of America will conquer its interminable foes of impending climate change and pharmaceutical price gouging. Critics may say it’s a mere drop in the bucket towards addressing systemic inequalities and a warming atmosphere, but those people aren’t on the TV as much! Any logical citizen understands the choices presented to you as an American: you can become a Tucker Carlson fan or a Wolf Blitzer enjoyer. Anything outside of that spectrum is communist gobbledygook.

Brandon has now reached his final form. Although he entered the Oval Office as a fading geriatric with fond memories of Strom Thurmond, our president has become the laser-eyed superhero that our moment requires. Here’s to hoping Joe has a long and fruitful reign, and that he may live to pass on the Mandate of Heaven to Hunter, the rightful heir.

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