BREAKING: Santa Arrested Crossing Border

By Alex Wiseman


St. Louis, Missouri – An illegal immigrant named Santa Claus was detained and deported following a home break-in in St. Louis. 

Mr. Claus, age ∞, was arrested following a call from a local homeowner who noticed him trying to break into a neighbor’s house through a chimney. Further investigation determined that Mr. Claus had crossed the US northern border earlier that night, illegally flying over it without passing through customs to work as a gift giver. He was deported, and his pet reindeer, which had also crossed illegally, were confiscated and subsequently euthanized by local animal control. 

Audrey Murray, a local mother of two, was relieved by the news that Mr. Claus had been detained. “Breaking into houses where children reside is targeting children maliciously. It’s a relief that one of these child-threatening illegal immigrants is off the streets.”

The American Postal Workers Union also praised the arrest, stating, “Illegal Immigrants delivering gifts takes away key jobs for local post office workers. This arrest is a victory for postal workers across the country as it assures that a child’s present will be delivered two days late between the most inconvenient times for the parent while they are out working or shopping and that they will have to go to a local post office to pick up their parcel.”

The Department of Justice is also investigating Mr. Claus and his workshop for illegally producing and supplying coal and lawn darts to Russia during the ongoing sanctions. Attorney General Merrick Garland said in a Press Conference earlier this afternoon that “Santa Claus refuses to obey US sanctions by supplying coal and dangerous weapons for its ongoing war in Ukraine. His history of dangerous behavior in the United States means he is a national security risk.”

Mr. Claus issues a statement through his lawyer saying that “due to recent action against him by the United States, the entire country would be on the naughty list next Christmas.”

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