By Lucas Sheridan on behalf of Francis, Bishop of Rome, Vicar of Jesus Christ, Successor of the Prince of the Apostles, Supreme Pontiff of the Universal Church, Primate of Italy, Archbishop and Metropolitan of the Roman Province, Sovereign of the State of Vatican City, Servant of the Servants of God

Heaven, December 13, 2022. After several billion years of consideration, God announced that the recent response to the overturning of Roe v Wade had shifted His all-holy mind, announcing in a surprise press conference kicking off the twelve days of Christmas that He was finally chill with abortion. “Yeah, you know, sometimes you have to look inward at your privilege as a Man” conceded He to all of creation. “Because, you know, I am a Man, and as a Man who has a Penis and everything, there are some things you just can’t understand, even if you are omniscient. Abortion is one of those things.” 

As bestower of both life and free will, The Almighty admitted that the terms pro-life and pro-choice had long confused Him; in light of the recent Supreme Court ruling, though, as the universe’s sole bequeather of moral authority He realized He could no longer simply say ‘yes.’ “I receive many prayers from my daughters, who are worried I will send them to hell for getting an abortion. This could not be further from the truth. It’s still the pre-marital sex that does it.” Jehovah clarified that even before when He was on the fence, abortion’s ranking on the sin scale was between not saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezes and veganism. “It’s not such a big deal to me, like some people seem to think. Really, I just take it as constructive criticism.” 

When pressed on the matter, God admitted that his feelings were first shifted by an unlikely source. “2017 by Louis C.K. on Netflix. Goes into this weird rant at the start but it kinda makes sense somehow. No, I’m not a Louis C.K. fan” said He sheepishly. “Like, before 2018 and before all the stuff came out I liked him, but after that I couldn’t, but you know, it’s kinda unfortunate because he was a really good comic, not that it’s unfortunate that that’s what happened to him, because you know he did some awful shit, but it’s weird because I liked him before that, you know, and it’s a weird separating-the-artist-from-the-art thing with comedians, like Ray Lewis is totally going to hell, but I can’t not watch 2000s Ravens highlights, right? Hard to talk about that era without him, huh. But yeah. No, you shouldn’t watch 2017, you’re not gonna like what you find.” God refused to comment further, saying He reeeeeally had to start on the next few millennia of figuring out His feelings on Israel-Palestine. 

Democratic leadership was quick to respond. “God?” said Nancy Pelosi.