Listen Up You Little Shit. Santa Isn’t Real

By A bitter 7 year old Jewish kid or Noah Saperstein

While many Santa-truthers may claim he is real and he gives them presents and he visits every home on Christmas, applying facts and logic reveals that these sheepole are sorely mistaken. In this article, I will lay out my highly researched reasons behind why Santa is a lie created by the big Christmas media to continue enslaving your mind. Wake up my fellow skeptics, a new dawn has set on the Santa empire.

  1. No one can go that fast, especially being pulled by a bunch of reindeer. For starters, reindeer can’t fly. According to Live Science, a website that kinda knows what the fuck it is talking about, they have four legs and antlers and snouts but they do not have the ability to fly. Besides knowing they can’t fly because I looked at a website that literally has science in the name, we must consider the slippery slope that will occur if we continue to let our feeble brains believe this lie. This would be a disaster. In fact, according to the voices in my head, this would destroy the American job market and possibly risk total human extinction. But don’t just take my word for it, take Thurgood Marshall’s. In his famous fiery dissent in the now landmark case Giftless Jewish Boys LLC v. New York, he wrote, “… Now on the matter of reindeer. They can’t fly and if we keep believing this bullshit then nothing good awaits us. The precedent is clear; we must abandon this erroneous theory.” While the conservative bloc of justices voted to continue to prop up the Christmas conspiracy, this dissent would inspire many young men and women to take up arms in the War of Christmas (see other articles). Anyway, the point is he can’t go that fast, reindeer can’t fly and the Supreme Court is leading this nation down a dark road of legal precedent that will cement us into a second coming of the dark ages. 
  2. Santa would not survive the American South. There are few things a redneck in rural Mississippi loves more than an unarmed home invader, especially one with the pure surface area that Santa apparently has. The speculative idea that this fat fucker could just slip on down the chimney and not get riddled with bullets from a 38 year old conservative man named Beau is absurd. Keep in mind these 2nd amendment-loving family men would know exactly when and where Santa would enter, allowing them plenty of time to prepare. With multiple states having castle doctrine in place, there would also be no legal repercussions for absolutely mutilating Santa with a hellfire of buckshot. Now, I can buy the argument that Santa would survive some homes because he is similar in stature and energy to most people in the south (morbidly obese, visibly old, Christian, White, and male), but no way he would make it out every house. Not to mention, these poor fuckers don’t even own homes big enough to have a chimney. What’s he gonna do, go through the exhaust pipe on their mobile home? It’s ridiculous frankly.
  3. The Cookie Dilemma. There are over 2.2 billion Christians in the world. Assuming an average household size of 4.9 people per household internationally, this comes out to 448,979,591.837 households for Santa to visit. While the average caloric count in a chocolate chip cookie is relatively low (at about 70 calories each), assuming that Santa takes at least one bite of a cookie (bite in this instance constitutes 40% of a cooke, or 28 calories) this amounts to 12,571,428,571.4 calories in one night (not to mention 808,163,265.307 g fat, 9,877,551,020.41 mg sodium, 161,632,653.061 g protein and 6,285,714,285.72 mg potassium). This amounts to 14,610,793.65 kilowatt hours, or a little over the amount of power that the average nuclear power plant produces in one day (104.601901853% of the output over a 24 hour period to be exact). Also, with a typical lethal dose of 7200 mg of potassium per 1kg, these cookies could stop the heart of 5135.38748833 average sized adult gorillas, more than the total wild population of Easter Lowland Gorillas in the world. I’m just saying, it seems a bit far-fetched.
  4. Santa would need to hate poor people. Let’s be real, poor kids get worse presents. From socks to nothing, gifts strongly correlate with the wealth of parents. If Santa really exists and is supposed to love all kids the same, why would he hate the poor kids so much? Ridiculous. Either Santa is an evil capitalist pig who wishes poverty on even the best little children or he does not exist.
  5. Santa would need a crazy visa to get through Russia during times like these.
  6. Santa never gave me presents and I was always a good little boy. Good little boys should get presents.

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