SPENCER SUSSMAN AND NOAH SAPERSTEIN

On Tuesday, President Zaki announced that Bowdoin would be creating a new and important position at the college: the Dean of Dean of Dean of Students. In her email, President Zaki explained that “this position will help our Dean of Dean of Students supply specific and broad support to the Dean of Students.”

She also added that “we searched high and low for this position and ultimately landed on the oldest and grumpiest and whitest person we could find.” 

The new Dean of Dean of Dean of Students has a long and impressive track record of organizing food trucks and sending emails. 

“Nobody can organize a food truck extravaganza quite like our new Dean of Dean of Dean of Students,” explained Michael Pulju, who is the Senior Associate Dean for Student Affairs and Dean of Students (this is the actual role we did not make this up). 

The Dean of Dean of Dean of Students is set to revolutionize campus life. In order to register a party, students will now first go through Res Life, who will then ask the Dean of Students, who then ask the Dean of Dean of Students, who will then ask the Dean of Dean of Dean of Students, who will then reject the party idea for sounding “fun”. 

The Dean of Dean of Dean of Students will also be responsible for managing intra-Dean affairs by establishing the Dean Center for Dean Life and will hold weekly office hours. However, please note that these office hours will only be for Deans of Deans and are limited due to high demand. The estimated waitlist for a new Dean of Dean trying to access the Dean of Dean of Dean of Students office hours is 43 people long.

While many have celebrated the new position, some Deans expressed concern that Bowdoin’s addition of just one more Dean will make administrative work impossible. Wishing to keep their identity anonymous, one Dean shared with the Harpoon that “having just one Dean of Dean of Dean of Students leaves important, critical work at risk of not getting done.” A group of concerned Deans have signed a petition asking for the creation of at least three more positions, including a Dean of Dean of Dean of Dean of Students. As the petition only received a measly 86 signatures, Bowdoin seems unlikely to accept their proposal.

The Dean of Dean of Dean of students is expected to make $1.4 million for the 2025/2026 academic year.