By ETHAN BEVINGTON Sep. 18, 2017
Members of ISIS stationed near the Turkish border were pleasantly surprised by an order of bath bombs this week.
“We thought they were bombs specifically designed to blow up bathtubs,” said one member. He continued, “We really wanted to combat the whole ‘you’re more likely to die in a bathtub than in a terrorist attack narrative.’ What we got instead turned out to be so much better. It has really kept spirits high even after losing control of Mosul.”
“My personal favorite is the ‘Cheer Me Up Buttercup.’ The blend of citrus really just brightens my mood and makes me feel completely rejuvenated,” said another. “I would be lying if I didn’t say I am a little disappointed I have not had the chance to use the ‘Sex Bomb.’”
“We have never been so prepared to purify our skin and purify the Earth of the stain of infidels,” said the team’s leader.