by ELIZA JEVON February 6, 2019

Chaz Johnson was once a loyal member of Sigma Phi. He did a keg stand at every meal, hooked up with the hottest of the Kappa Kappa Kappa Kappa Kappas, got decked out in hoodies and jerseys with his brothers, and thrashed around with them in dark dank basements in tandem movements they called dancing. But most importantly, he worshipped EDM. Zedd was his hero. Chaz, who has twice been to the doctor to address the continuous electronic beat pulsing in his left ear, said, “Despite the medical percussions [repercussions], no one can take EDM away from me.”

Albums upon albums of EDM dominated his Spotify account. As the vibe of the fraternity drastically changes from night to night, he needed to have a different playlist for each possible scene. He curated twelve playlists that were “totally different” from one another and “for sure unique.” “Body” is on all of them.

However, while Chaz claimed to be an EDM fan, his Spotify 2018 Wrapped report revealed otherwise. In reality, Chaz was in love with indie-folk. In his words, “There is something magical about creating music through blowing on grass and carving banjos out of trees.” The way the guitars strum together in perfect harmony reminded of him of his childhood, summering on Nantucket. He actually had plans to run away to California, live in a shack, and build up his own indie-folk music empire all on his own with an interest-free billion dollar loan from Daddy. Chaz was totally dedicated to this genre.

So one day, Chaz decided enough was enough. He would unfollow EDM and give his soul to the world of indie-folk. However, hours before Chaz boarded his first class flight to California (he needs extra leg room for his emotional support animal, Al the pygmy llama), Sigma Phi sacked him, tied him to a urinal, and offered him his weapon of choice. “You know the price,” they said in cult-like unison. Listening to anything other than the holy chants of EDM was sacrilegious. His fraternity brethren had not raised him this way. The years of not hazing Chaz was supposed to teach him that the only way to success was through EDM. It was the melody of the brotherhood.

Chaz had failed his brothers and, most importantly, failed himself. Castration was the only logical conclusion. He would never have an heir; he would never be able to create a sinful male child with an inherited distaste for EDM.

But it was all worth it. Chaz was off to study guitar and peace in Cali. Sigma Phi, like his college education, was “Lost in the Fire.” EDM, like what remained under his long-boarding shorts, would be just a small distant memory.