by Theo Danzig February 7, 2019

On Wednesday, Bowdoin College Director of Student Activities Nate Hintze announced his candidacy for the 2020 Presidential Election. Speaking in Smith Union to a crowd of disinterested students who were really just trying to finish their homework before their class in 15 minutes, Hintze declared that if elected, he would take his philosophy of “creating safe, inclusive, and fun” spaces to the White House, along with his uncanny ability to make every interaction awkward. 

During his speech, Hintze repeatedly mentioned his record of organizing events and pleasing the community, referencing Ivies, Thursday Night Bowling, and putting the men’s Ultimate Frisbee team on probation. “I have a history of getting what matters done and not much else,” Hintze declared. “What else could Americans possibly be looking for in a leader?” 

Hintze joins an already crowded field of presidential candidates, including perennial candidate and boot-hat wearer Vermin Supreme, former Starbucks CEO and egomaniac Howard Schultz, and literally every Democrat in the US Senate. 

While acknowledging that the campaign would be an uphill battle, Hintze expressed optimism. Speaking to the Harpoon’s election correspondent, Hintze claimed, “I might not have much experience in national politics, but nobody really cares about those sorts of things these days. My can-do attitude, obvious likability, and classic middle-aged white dude looks should carry the day.”