Report by Eighth Grader Finds Great Depression “Very Sad”

by SEBASTIAN HERNANDEZ Sep. 25, 2019

A new report conducted by eighth grader Robbie Stamps has found conclusively that the Great Depression, the worst economic downturn in the history of the industrialized world, was “very sad.”

Mr. Stamps declared in his statement delivered to his entire homeroom, nicknamed “The Joint Chiefs”, that the Great Depression “was very sad, with a lot of sad people in it, but it was also great, so you figure this one out.” Mr. Stamps went on to give his additional findings, including that the event “happened a long time ago” and that “everybody knows this and has heard of it.”

Mr. Stamps’ month-long, in-depth research began after being last to pick slips of paper out of a top hat. Despite its humble beginnings, the Stamps Report marks a new development in the history of the Great Depression, because so little was known about it before this morning’s statement.

In fact, Mr. Stamps made a point to state that all the previous scholarship surrounding the Great Depression, as little as there was, was “so crazy” that it was not even worth his time, and that bravely broke with tradition by stating that he “didn’t get what the hell those books were talking about.”

When asked by his fellow mid-pubescent classmates about the causes of this Great Depression, Stamp questioned whether anyone could truly know the causes, “because all of the people who lived during that time are probably dead.”

So far, opinions about these new findings have been mixed. His classmates agree that “they did not know that” and that “he was sweaty,” while initial comments from middle school teacher Ms. Sanders state that his findings are “inconclusive and show very little effort.” Ms. Sanders vowed to seek further elucidation at an upcoming parent-teacher conference.

by SEBASTIAN HERNANDEZ Sep. 25, 2019

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