Author: The Bowdoin Harpoon

All, Maine

Special Little Fancy Boy Wearing Loafers in Gym Again

By HUGO HENTOFF Feb. 4, 2017

Special little fancy boy James Cunningham wore his Brooks Brothers loafers to gym class again, marking the sixth consecutive time the la-di-da fourth grader refused to just put on sneakers like everyone else.

While the rest of Cunningham’s class played capture the flag, the ever-so-precious schoolboy romped around in his Italian leather shoes picking flowers and writing poetry.

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Cunningham took this photo to showcase “the follies of labor”

“I do so enjoy play time,” said the dainty cherub boy while smelling a lilac he had brought from home. “Just last week I saw a butterfly. It flew quite close to me and I got frightened and cried for schoolteacher. Mamma said my screams were very brave.”

Cunningham’s physical education instructor Coach McCoy says he has never seen anyone quite like the rosy-cheeked gift from God. “At first I tried to get James to play sports like the other kids, but he kept screaming whenever he got his loafers scuffed. I knew he was a lost cause when he came into class wearing khakis and a teal cardigan.”

While the itty-bitty snowflake child has difficulties in gym class, he excels in other sports such as calligraphy and stamp collecting.

All, Bowdoin

Burnett House Reprimanded after Advertising Campus Wide to Brunswick High Schoolers

By JAANA SINGH Feb. 3, 2017

The Bowdoin College Office of Residential Life has reprimanded Burnett House after posters advertising their campus wide party were found hanging in Brunswick High School.

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Burn’s next campus wide theme is rumored to be, “Just Please Come”

When asked to comment, Burn Programming Director Ryan Simons explained it as a way to appeal to an audience that might actually attend their events.

The new marketing strategy proved unsuccessful, as Burn’s Friday night “Disco” themed party was still scarcely attended. However, Simons remains optimistic, and is starting to target a new demographic: Harriet Beecher Stowe Elementary Schoolers.

All, World

Trump’s Immigration Policy to Prioritize Christians, Leggy 9s

By SANDRO COCITO Feb. 2, 2017

WASHINGTON – In a sweeping new executive order, President Donald Trump has outlined new immigration and vetting procedures for 7 Muslim majority countries, which includes a 90 day ban on all travel, immigration, and refugee processing. The action will also prioritize Christian refugees and women who are at least a 9 on the Homeland Security Department’s new 10-point rating scale.

“I’m establishing new temporary vetting measures to keep radical Islamic terrorists out of the United States of America. Don’t want them here. We have a duty to protect Christians and very attractive women. Very beautiful. Great legs,” Trump said earlier on Friday at the Pentagon. “We want only the best, and starting today the best is what we’ll have. No fatties.”

Democrats and world leaders alike have been quick to condemn the action and point out flaws with its implementation. A New York federal judge has put a stay on the order, saying that it would hurt America’s reputation as a nation of immigrants and that a 7 with a good rack can compete with any 9.

All, Bowdoin

J-Board Decision Sends Cheating Student to Bates for Spring Semester

By JACOB BASKES Feb. 1, 2017

Earlier this week, a sophomore was found guilty of cheating on a final exam. As punishment, he will be spending the remainder of the school year at Bates College.

Though the student pleaded guilty, the decision was far more serious than anyone foresaw. “I was begging them to send me home for the spring, or even take away my financial aid,” said the student. “Anything but Bates. It’s completely uncalled for.”

“It was a hard decision to come to,” said Judicial Board Advisor Lesley Levy. “We initially were going to expel the student, maybe chop off a finger, but we eventually concluded we couldn’t go easy on him. Cheating will not be tolerated here.”

All, U.S.

Trump to Nominate Pladimir Vutin to Supreme Court

By JACK ARNHOLZ  Jan. 31, 2017

WASHINGTON – President Trump will nominate Pladimir Vutin to the Supreme Court this evening in a televised, national address. Some critics are concerned that the administration is choosing a judicial novice to sit on the highest court of the land. Others are concerned that Mr. Vutin is just Russian President Vladimir Putin wearing a fake mustache.

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                            A candid shot of Mr. Vutin

In making the announcement today, a perspiring Sean Spicer, the White House Press Secretary, was seen flanked by two men wearing ushankas and leather gloves. They were introduced to the press as “Larry” and “Dave.”

Addressing those critical of Mr. Vutin’s nomination today on Fox News, Kellyanne Conway said, “Mr. Vutin is political outsider who has dedicated his life to public service, and all anyone wants to talk about is how Mr. Vutin is Vladimir Putin wearing a fake mustache.”

The Senate is expected to confirm Mr. Vutin later this month as several skeptical Senators have been reported missing fingers.

All, U.S.

The 6 People You’ll For Sure See at Christmas Dinner

By JACOB BASKES Dec. 15, 2016

1. Dad

Portrait of mature black American man.

You can’t have Christmas without Dad! He’s the one who will undoubtedly say that he’s glad everyone made it into town despite the cold weather, and then probably joke about burning dinner, only then to go and actually burn dinner. Need a little more help picking out Dad? He’s the one who’s your dad.

2. Grandma’s Friend Martha

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After 4 years of Grandma’s friend Alice coming to Christmas dinner, you think you’d be sure of her name by now. But even though Bernice was at your 13th birthday, you still aren’t sure that her name is Eliza. Just make sure to avoid saying Roberta’s name, and you’ll be set.

3. Gerald

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Now this guy is a classi… wait — what? Anyone know who this guy is? He’s probably a friend of Mom’s, but no one’s really sure. Let’s not worry about him.

4. Cousin Kayla

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Remember Kayla? She was your first kiss at Christmas in 2004. You haven’t seen her since last year, and she looks kind of different now. Is that a tattoo behind her ear? Shit, that’s pretty weird. It is your dad’s side of the family, after all.

5. Gerald

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Anyone? We still have no clue who this guy is. I asked Mom and Grandma’s friend Karen and neither of them has ever seen the dude. If you find out, either tell Dad or call the cops, please.

6. Gerald

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Okay, what the literal fuck? He’s in the kitchen licking all of the raw meat. Jesus. Someone better figure this out quick or we’re all done for.

 

 

All, Bowdoin

Orient Tops Harpoon in Annual List of Best Campus Satire

By JACOB BASKES Dec. 14, 2016

The 2016 Best Bowdoin Satire List, published Friday, named The Bowdoin Orient the 2nd best satire magazine on campus. The Bowdoin Harpoon came in 3rd.

“We’re honored to have even been placed on the list,” said a spokesperson for The Harpoon. “It’s truly amazing to be in the company of such historic and established publications like the Orient. We’re looking forward to next year, and we hope to work our way up the list.” The Orient was not available for comment.

Emails from the Bowdoin Student Government clinched the number one spot again this year, marking a fifth consecutive win for the satirists.

All, Bowdoin

Professor Really Spicing Up Class as Course Questionnaire Nears

By JAANA SINGH Dec. 14, 2016

As course questionnaires approach, Bowdoin Professor Charles Hardwick has reportedly been spicing up his History of Racial Oppression class in order to garner more positive reviews of his teaching.

During the last two weeks of the semester, the professor has dramatically altered the structure of his class, which now features homemade sugar cookies every morning, up to 40 extra credit points for laughing at his jokes, and a completely edible final exam.

Hardwick has also modified his lectures to appeal to a younger audience. “I needed to show the kids that I’m down with youth culture, that I’m on a fleek,” said Hardwick. “So now every other slide in my PowerPoint features a dank meme. Whatever it takes to connect with the students.”

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                            “This is fun. We are having fun.”

“One time he brought his 4-year-old kid to class so we’d feel obligated to write him good reviews,” said a student in Hardwick’s course. “The kid didn’t even want to be there, he was crying the whole time. Like, a solid 80 minutes of tears in a 90-minute seminar. I hope Professor Hardwick is up for tenure or something; otherwise this past week will have been the most depressing experience of my life.”

 

All, Bowdoin

7 Pictures of Grapes to Get You Through Finals

By JACOB BASKES Dec. 12, 2016

Having a tough finals week? Here are 7 pictures of grapes to help you get through it!

We did say grapes (pl), but here is one singular grape. Good enough to get you through to tomorrow!

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What we love about grapes is that no matter how many there are, they are still grapes. Why bother with the Writing Center when you can have a bunch of grapes?

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While these aren’t technically considered grapes per se, they also grow on vines. Close enough to keep your finals motor running!

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Grapes can also be close together or farther apart, like they are in this picture, and we’re still more than happy to call them grapes. Who needs a tutor when you have spread out grapes?

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We’re pretty sure Arthur has talked about grapes at least a little bit, so here’s this picture of Prof. Aardvark himself. If this doesn’t inspire you to finish up that paper, then we don’t even know what to say!

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Unfortunately, we ran out of pictures of grapes, so here is a book with the word “Grapes” in the title. Maybe you should read it?

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We’ll just leave this one here.

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