All 97 Bowdoin a capella groups are reportedly switching focus from ruining classic songs with their mouths to choreographing the rhythmic and tasteful arm movements necessary to compensate for a lack of instruments.
A capella connoisseur Steven Jackson noted, “While the singing is certainly a nice touch, it often distracts from the immersive experience that well-executed arm swinging and tastefully assembled J-Crew outfits provide.”
When asked for comment, head spokesman for Bowdoin a capella Amanda Roberts remarked, “Shoo wop, doo doo doooo wop, shimmy now yeah yeah yeaaaaah, shoobee doobee doo.”
In a press conference last week, Prime Minister of Israel Benjamin Netanyahu made clear his opposition to a two-state solution, claiming that it would “simply make Israel too hard to draw.”
Netanyahu’s lack of artistic ability has long been in the national spotlight, but few believe that it has marred his otherwise spotless political record. His statement comes on the heels of continued violence against Palestinians living on the border. Despite international pressure, Netanyahu seemingly can’t stay within the lines.
Netanyahu’s personal map of the Middle East.
When asked about the United States’ stance on the issue, President Trump’s nominee for ambassador to Israel David Friedman commented, “Bibi’s always been a little artistically challenged. Once I walked into his office and saw that he’d crudely scribbled, ‘ISRAEL’ in crayon over his whole map of the Middle East.” Friedman added that the U.S., though it “supports Netanyahu, would not pay for art lessons of any kind.”
Donald Trump was photographed this Monday signing an executive order banning federal funding to pro-abortion programs as he sat in the oval office surrounded by jellyfish.
Trump was making good on one of his most fundamental campaign promises, but some argued the presence of spineless diplomats undermined his decision. Senator Elizabeth Warren (D-MA), who has repeatedly pushed back against Trump’s policies, argued that the jellyfish who assisted in drafting the order were, “brainless, naturally.”
“These jellyfish have no right to make decisions about a woman’s body,” the senator continued pointedly. “It’s almost as if he were surrounded by men.”
WASHINGTON – In a controversial move this week, Donald Trump has pledged to move the US embassy in Johannesburg to the year 1992.
Mr. Trump was overheard referring to the year as a time “before it all went wrong, if you ask me.” After a few hours of deliberation and fine tuning procedural measures, the deal was quickly agreed to by former Apartheid president F.W. de Klerk.Mr. Trump has pledged he will work with Mr. de Klerk to deal with “outside agitators like that Mandela guy.”
Interestingly, Trump also announced that his pick to lead the American diplomatic mission to Israel, David Friedman, would also serve as ambassador toSouthAfricacirca 1992.
Local man Christopher Johnston was rushed to the intensive care unit at Mid Coast Hospital last night after suffering a severe heart attack. Members of his family are nervously pacing outside his room while waiting for updates on his condition, but are finding comfort in the fact that they are at least getting their steps in.
“I’m so worried about Chris that I just can’t sit still,” said Johnston’s wife, Judy. “On the plus side though, I’ve already passed my 10,000-step fitbit goal. My calves are going to look amazing, which is my only solace in this distressing time.”
Stephen, Johnston’s son, wishes he had spent more time with his father before the heart attack. “I should have tried to bond more with dad,” he said while jogging in place. “We could have gone on walks around the neighborhood and really gotten to know each other. I just hope the stairway to heaven has at least 10,000 steps.”
Doctors say that Johnston likely won’t live through the night, dying just 300 steps short of 10,000.
Just hours before the vote to confirm Betsy DeVos as Secretary of Education on Tuesday, the Senate was evacuated after a grizzly bear tore through the Capitol Building.
Nobody seems to be sure the origin of the rogue bear, but the timing of the incident has led many to speculate that the salmon-eating animal was very up to date on his politics, and most likely aligned himself with the Democratic Party. Additionally, Senator Catherine Cortez Masto (D-NV) noted, “it seemed to go right for Mitch [McConnell]. It politely asked the guards if it could pose a question to the floor, and after sauntering past 14 rows of senators, jumped straight up to the podium as he was speaking.”
But McConnell was left unscathed — instead of attacking his body, the massive creature stood on its hind legs and attacked the senator’s stance on pressing political issues. “I’m ashamed to call you my senate majority leader,” said the bear. “Your lack of integrity in addressing the failures of this nascent political regime does nothing for the American people, only for yourself.”
In response to the whole incident, DeVos had this to say: “While I have always vouched for guns in public buildings to defend from this exact kind of violence, seeing this attack may have changed my position. After witnessing the ferocity of that bear as it went straight for Senator McConnell, I think the only logical defense against a grizzly is, well, more grizzlies.”
I wanted to write about something that has always been very hard for me to talk about. Whenever I bring it up, I get laughed at. Tormented. Prodded with wooden spoons. No one seems to get it, but I’m telling you all because I hope someone understands.
I have never seen my own penis.
I know, you’re probably already chuckling, but it’s the truth. I’ve never come face-to-head with my schlong. I think it’s there — I pee four times a day and have 2 beautiful children — I just haven’t seen it for myself.
No, this isn’t a weight issue. I’m definitely on the skinnier side, and I hit the gym every day. Maybe I just haven’t looked down enough? Other people have seen it, and even said that it’s the average length and girth, but I have yet to catch a glimpse of my own skin flute.
Maybe I left it in my other pair of pants?
What’s the next step? What do you think I should do? Maybe I haven’t been tried hard enough? Should I ask someone to take a picture of my one-eyed-snake? Or have I been lied to, and I don’t really have a pork sword of my own? It sounds crazy coming from a grown man, but I’d really love to see my giggle stick, even just once.
Thank you all for reading. I hope that this article helps end the stigma against men unable to examine their own meat scepters. Maybe this is the first step. Maybe you all will finally come to accept, even celebrate, that I may never get to see my own bologna pony.
Special little fancy boy James Cunningham wore his Brooks Brothers loafers to gym class again, marking the sixth consecutive time the la-di-da fourth grader refused to just put on sneakers like everyone else.
While the rest of Cunningham’s class played capture the flag, the ever-so-precious schoolboy romped around in his Italian leather shoes picking flowers and writing poetry.
Cunningham took this photo to showcase “the follies of labor”
“I do so enjoy play time,” said the dainty cherub boy while smelling a lilac he had brought from home. “Just last week I saw a butterfly. It flew quite close to me and I got frightened and cried for schoolteacher. Mamma said my screams were very brave.”
Cunningham’s physical education instructor Coach McCoy says he has never seen anyone quite like the rosy-cheeked gift from God. “At first I tried to get James to play sports like the other kids, but he kept screaming whenever he got his loafers scuffed. I knew he was a lost cause when he came into class wearing khakis and a teal cardigan.”
While the itty-bitty snowflake child has difficulties in gym class, he excels in other sports such as calligraphy and stamp collecting.
The Bowdoin College Office of Residential Life has reprimanded Burnett House after posters advertising their campus wide party were found hanging in Brunswick High School.
Burn’s next campus wide theme is rumored to be, “Just Please Come”
When asked to comment, Burn Programming Director Ryan Simons explained it as a way to appeal to an audience that might actually attend their events.
The new marketing strategy proved unsuccessful, as Burn’s Friday night “Disco” themed party was still scarcely attended. However, Simons remains optimistic, and is starting to target a new demographic: Harriet Beecher Stowe Elementary Schoolers.
WASHINGTON – In a sweeping new executive order, President Donald Trump has outlined new immigration and vetting procedures for 7 Muslim majority countries, which includes a 90 day ban on all travel, immigration, and refugee processing. The action will also prioritize Christian refugees and women who are at least a 9 on the Homeland Security Department’s new 10-point rating scale.
“I’m establishing new temporary vetting measures to keep radical Islamic terrorists out of the United States of America. Don’t want them here. We have a duty to protect Christians and very attractive women. Very beautiful. Great legs,” Trump said earlier on Friday at the Pentagon. “We want only the best, and starting today the best is what we’ll have. No fatties.”
Democrats and world leaders alike have been quick to condemn the action and point out flaws with its implementation. A New York federal judge has put a stay on the order, saying that it would hurt America’s reputation as a nation of immigrants and that a 7 with a good rack can compete with any 9.
The Bowdoin Harpoon 