By SUMMERS ASKEW Feb. 24, 2017

Local pedophile Isaac Gables was incredibly disappointed after attending last weekend’s performance of Blown Youth. Produced by Masque and Gown, the show apparently “did not deliver what it promised,” and left the man “seriously frustrated.”

“Just to be clear, I mean sexually frustrated,” Gables clarified. “I really had my hopes up. I’m kind of a niche audience, so I appreciate a nod to my interests. Little did I know, this was all about women over the age of eighteen. What a rip-off.”

The Brunswick Police Department has stated that Gables will not be allowed on campus again, but did suggest that the theater group change the name of next fall’s production to prevent future misunderstandings. Masque and Gown’s fall 2017 production is currently titled, “Sex with Children.”

By JACK ARNHOLZ Feb. 23, 2017

Dean of Students Tim Foster has limited the number of students who can live with him off-campus to 200. “As much I love the Bowdoin community, my house cannot physically hold more than 200 kids,” said Dean Foster.

Bowdoin has seen an increase in the number of people living with Dean Foster in the past year. Students cite his home’s proximity to Brunswick, distance from Bowdoin security, and presence of Foster’s comforting smile as reasons for living there.

“It’s so awesome living with the Fosters. Sometimes, when I get scared at night, I crawl into their bed. Usually, there are already at least a dozen other students in there,” said Emmett Behar. “And he’s so easy to talk to. Did you know he went to a Waldorf school?”

Behar continued, “Do you know what the difference is between a house and home? I do. Home is where Dean Foster is.”

By ETHAN BEVINGTON Feb. 22, 2017

Bowdoin sophomore Kate Waters received the ever-helpful insight of checking eBear during her career planning meeting last Thursday.

“I mean, I never could have thought of that on my own,” said Waters. “I was just hoping to come in and get recommendations about a few internships in my field based on my qualifications, but instead I get to search through thousands of internships that I may or may not be qualified for and may not even be relevant to my field.”

“We strive to help all students achieve our dreams of working in finance or consulting,” said Tom Dole, a Career Planning employee. “We want each and every Bowdoin student to have the chance to live in the greater New York City or Boston area and have a meaningful, corporate life.”

“My career councilor told me to go to the Maine Employers fair,” said Waters. “I’m a Classics Major, but who knows what I might find.”

By RODGER HEIDGERKEN Feb. 17, 2017

In an attempt to diversify the Bowdoin community, admissions has announced that it will be not be admitting more than 200 students named Emma or Sam to the class of 2021.

Recent statistics taken by the Admissions Office show that approximately 64% of the enrolled class of 2020 is named either Sam or Emma.

“This is just the beginning of our fight against excessive homogeneity in names,” stated an admissions officer after wait-listing an applicant named Sam Barry. “We were even considering putting a cap on Connors, Jacks, Carolines, Charlottes, and Sarahs, but we still need athletes.”

The absence of anyone from the Admissions Office named Sam or Emma has lead some students to suspect an incident of bias.

By SAM HALPERT Feb. 16, 2017

All 97 Bowdoin a capella groups are reportedly switching focus from ruining classic songs with their mouths to choreographing the rhythmic and tasteful arm movements necessary to compensate for a lack of instruments.

A capella connoisseur Steven Jackson noted, “While the singing is certainly a nice touch, it often distracts from the immersive experience that well-executed arm swinging and tastefully assembled J-Crew outfits provide.”

When asked for comment, head spokesman for Bowdoin a capella Amanda Roberts remarked, “Shoo wop, doo doo doooo wop, shimmy now yeah yeah yeaaaaah, shoobee doobee doo.”

By JAANA SINGH Feb. 3, 2017

The Bowdoin College Office of Residential Life has reprimanded Burnett House after posters advertising their campus wide party were found hanging in Brunswick High School.

When asked to comment, Burn Programming Director Ryan Simons explained it as a way to appeal to an audience that might actually attend their events.

The new marketing strategy proved unsuccessful, as Burn’s Friday night “Disco” themed party was still scarcely attended. However, Simons remains optimistic, and is starting to target a new demographic: Harriet Beecher Stowe Elementary Schoolers.

By JACOB BASKES Feb. 1, 2017

Earlier this week, a sophomore was found guilty of cheating on a final exam. As punishment, he will be spending the remainder of the school year at Bates College.

Though the student pleaded guilty, the decision was far more serious than anyone foresaw. “I was begging them to send me home for the spring, or even take away my financial aid,” said the student. “Anything but Bates. It’s completely uncalled for.”

“It was a hard decision to come to,” said Judicial Board Advisor Lesley Levy. “We initially were going to expel the student, maybe chop off a finger, but we eventually concluded we couldn’t go easy on him. Cheating will not be tolerated here.”

By JACOB BASKES Dec. 14, 2016

The 2016 Best Bowdoin Satire List, published Friday, named The Bowdoin Orient the 2^nd best satire magazine on campus. The Bowdoin Harpoon came in 3^rd.

“We’re honored to have even been placed on the list,” said a spokesperson for The Harpoon. “It’s truly amazing to be in the company of such historic and established publications like the Orient. We’re looking forward to next year, and we hope to work our way up the list.” The Orient was not available for comment.

Emails from the Bowdoin Student Government clinched the number one spot again this year, marking a fifth consecutive win for the satirists.

By JAANA SINGH Dec. 14, 2016

As course questionnaires approach, Bowdoin Professor Charles Hardwick has reportedly been spicing up his History of Racial Oppression class in order to garner more positive reviews of his teaching.

During the last two weeks of the semester, the professor has dramatically altered the structure of his class, which now features homemade sugar cookies every morning, up to 40 extra credit points for laughing at his jokes, and a completely edible final exam.

Hardwick has also modified his lectures to appeal to a younger audience. “I needed to show the kids that I’m down with youth culture, that I’m on a fleek,” said Hardwick. “So now every other slide in my PowerPoint features a dank meme. Whatever it takes to connect with the students.”

“One time he brought his 4-year-old kid to class so we’d feel obligated to write him good reviews,” said a student in Hardwick’s course. “The kid didn’t even want to be there, he was crying the whole time. Like, a solid 80 minutes of tears in a 90-minute seminar. I hope Professor Hardwick is up for tenure or something; otherwise this past week will have been the most depressing experience of my life.”