by JACK SHANE Nov. 6, 2019
Since pledging to give a whole 72 cents more to housekeepers over 32 years, Bowdoin has desperately been trying to find ways to raise the money to pay for this exceptional wage increase. According to a recent press release from the Bowdoin Organic Garden, Bowdoin may have found the saving grace in the form of cancer-causing, environment hating Monsanto, who just bought the Bowdoin Organic Garden with $4 found on the floor.
Continue reading “Monsanto Buys Bowdoin Organic Garden”
by THEO DANZIG Nov. 5, 2019
Sophomore Zachary Leibowitz thought he had found the perfect Halloween costume. He had been planning for the annual festival of witchery for weeks and believed he had struck the perfect balance between humor and cultural sensitivity. By dressing up as Prozac, Zachary believed he would lift the spirits of everyone he saw.
Continue reading “Student Dresses As Prozac For Halloween Party, Takes Away Everyone’s Sex Drive”
by HOLLY LYNE Nov. 4, 2019
In a statement released during their November 1 press conference, Bowdoin Dining announced: “In observance of the celebration of No Nut November, we will remove almond milk and all other nut milks from Moulton and Thorne. We will not serve nut milks to students until December.”
Continue reading “No Nut Milk November: Almond Milk Banned From Campus Dining Halls”
by BLAINE STEVENS Oct. 30, 2019
This morning, senior Mark P. Ullout was on the receiving end of a miracle in the middle of Thorne Dining Hall—in a turn of events that Ullout called “a gift from Yahweh Himself,” the athlete was able to successfully avoid interacting with the female student he was inside of this past Saturday evening. Thankful to have evaded the consequences of his questionable drunken decisions, Ullout described a scene that he claimed was nearly “a complete and utter fucking nightmare.” The self-described “athletic star,” who received an astounding 17 minutes and 32 seconds of playing time this past season, shocked Harpoon reporters with his descriptions of his traumatizing close call.
Continue reading “Close Call! Jock Narrowly Avoids Eye Contact with Girl He Was Inside of Last Weekend”
by DAN RALSTON Oct. 28, 2019
Miles Uplook ‘20 admits that she has never been the ‘cool athlete’ or the ‘crunchy English major’. “I live a quiet life, and honestly until yesterday, nothing remarkable had ever happened to me,” said Uplook. But, on October 27th, Uplook became the first student in recent Bowdoin history to go a day without any Wifi troubles.
Continue reading “Bowdoin Student Goes Entire Day Without Wifi Trouble”
by JACOB BASKES October 9, 2019
On Wednesday morning, the student-run Bowdoin Entertainment
Board announced new “campus celebrity” playlists to improve its interactions with
the student body. This week’s featured guest is President Clayton Rose, whose
top picks include Travis Scott’s “HIGHEST IN THE ROOM” and Post Malone’s
Continue reading “President Rose’s Spotify Playlist Features Travis Scott, Post Malone”
by HADLEY JEVON Oct. 7, 2019
Many candidates for BSG positions promise cheaper laundry and more Gucci Mane in college house basements. First year Gretta Yump, on the other hand, went above and beyond in her efforts to make Bowdoin a more welcoming environment by advocating for more elevated surfaces for students to dance on.
Continue reading “Student runs for BSG on platform of platforms: More elevated surfaces on which students can dance”
by LIA KORNMEHL Oct. 2, 2019
No one was surprised when, after a few moments of grunting, pushing, and eye rolling, Nancy Pelosi announced a formal impeachment inquiry concerning President Donald Trump’s call with the Ukrainian president.
Continue reading “Trump Impeachment Similar to Weekend Hookup: Came Too Fast and Can’t Wait for Things to End”
By JONAS KRISTENSSON Oct. 1, 2019
At the Convocation of the Class of 2023, President Clayton Rose announced a school affiliation that was previously only known to him, the College’s Treasurer, and the bearded lumberjack running the Scientology Center on Lincoln Street.
by JACOB BASKES Sep. 30, 2019
As part of its semesterly Library Party, the staff of the Hawthorne-Lonfellow Library and other libraries on campus invited emotional support children to give students a “well-needed study break” yesterday.
Continue reading “Emotional Support Children Brought to Calm Students in HL”