by ZACH CARLSON | February 20th, 2023

Noise-Canceling Headphones ($230 at Best Buy)— Have you ever had a night where you stumble across a particularly arousing Sesame Street fanfic but your roommate just refuses to leave the room? This gift solves your issues, because it allows you to masturbate, loudly, in your room without your fucking prude roommate being able to hear you. 

The Bible (Priceless… $18 at Barnes & Noble)— If you regard yourself as a person of faith and find that your roommate is a sinner, consider buying them a Bible. This holiday season, what better way is there to spread holiday cheer than saving your roommate from eternal damnation? 

An Extra Set of Sheets ($30 at Target)— I don’t know about you, but I have to sexile my roommate all the time. If you’re also plagued with charm and good looks, I suggest buying an extra set of sheets, so your roommate can comfortably sleep on the couch while you’re getting it on with your floormate. Maybe throw in a pillow and a blanket if you’re feeling generous.

That Manifesto You’ve Been Writing Every Time You’re On Cocaine (at least $10 for ink and paper)— This one is a no brainer. Why spend hundreds of hours detailing the problems you see with the world and your particularly violent plans for solving them if you never let anyone read this masterpiece? Pro-tip: leave out the parts about your roommate unless you want things to get really awkward. 

Some Friends ($20 an hour)— If you have a roommate who is just a complete fucking loser, consider hiring some actors to pretend to be friends with them. This will get them out of your hair for at least a few days (or until you run out of money). These are actually pretty easy to buy, just put an ad in the Student Digest.

Weed (I have no clue how much weed costs, I don’t do drugs)— We all have that one roommate who is just way too uptight all the time. If you give them some weed maybe they’ll finally chill and stop getting on your ass about that smell coming from under your bed even though you’ve told them a thousand times that it was like that when you got there.