All

Senior Kindly Waits One Month To Flirt With First Year

In an incredible act of self-restraint, Shawn Cook ‘26, has decided not to flirt with any first years—for a month. 

“So many guys see these impressionable young minds and think they can go full steam ahead pursuing them,” Cook said, “what they don’t understand is that it takes a whole month before the age gap isn’t much of an issue.” 

Controversially, Cook argues that it is unethical to make moves on a first year while they are still adjusting to life at college—a period, he says, lasts through September. 

“But once people are picking out their Halloween costumes, it’s honestly fair game,” he elaborated. Cook also brings his positive energy to the admissions office, where he works as a tour guide. 

“It’s very rewarding to see fresh faces on campus, knowing that some of them will one day be my peers,” he said. He even hands out his phone number to touring students in case they have further questions about Bowdoin.

While Cook has greatly enjoyed his time at Bowdoin, there is one change he feels is long overdue. In October, he intends to break up with his sophomore girlfriend of one year stating, “things were just getting a little stale between us, and she never comes to my hockey games.”

Bowdoin, Op-Ed

Opinion: Lobster Tastes Better Without the Shell

A new wave is coming–some say a new order. Last June, we gathered in Central Park. Our goal was the avocado. Two years ago, 23 of us were killed by the Sharlac forces in Wisconsin while fighting to liberate the peach. Now, following the death of Cora the Destroyer, we need a new stand. The regime is weak and old. The Sharlac Premier Sbovdn cannot contain the movement we are building. Crack by crack, the dam will break. Lobster is our next target. 

The Sharlacs have forced us to ingest shell after shell along with the tender meat of our crustaceans for long enough. We will not suffer any further. The lobster’s meat is delicate, it is soft, and it is fibrous. The Sharlacs, resting in Carthapian Fortresses, know this and choose to make us suffer. We are destroying ourselves by consuming keratin and razor sharp shards and they are laughing.

Like Tantalus or the Danaïdes we will never be able to appreciate that which is most delicious. But we will triumph as we have triumphed before. Just as we no longer have to eat the brown bulbs of the avocado or the grainy pits of the peach there will come a day when we no longer have to eat lobster with the shell on. That day will come soon. For now, spread the word: lobster tastes better without the shell. 

All

Welcome to Bowdoin, Parents of the Class of 2029

On Monday, August 25th, the gates of Bowdoin College flew open, welcoming hundreds of bright-eyed first-year students. With a record-breaking acceptance rate of just 6.8%, the Class of 2029 has demonstrated its parents’ intellectual prowess, emotional resilience, and ability to navigate the Common App with unmatched strength, decisiveness, and fortitude.

Hundreds of student and staff volunteers lined the quad, eager to greet these inspiring individuals—the On-a-Mission Dad, the Snowplow Mom, the GPS Parent, and the Sibling Who Just Wants to Leave—welcoming them to their greatest financial burden for the next four years.

In her annual Presidential Address, Safa Zaki praised the newcomers for their many accomplishments leading up to their acceptance at Bowdoin, stating:

“We know you worked hard to get here. You toured no fewer than twenty colleges, wrote several ingenious supplemental essays, and even paid $4,000 for a writing coach who really understood your child’s voice. This room is filled with trailblazers.
Some of you pressured your kid to play a sport their entire life—and because of you, they are now playing at an okay, Division III school. Some of you chaired the PTA, forged key relationships with guidance counselors, and strategically boosted your child’s résumé with presidencies of the Key Club, Debate Team, and Robotics Club. And one of you made billions of dollars—we sincerely thank you for your continued support of our college.”

As the Class of 2029 embarks on the next four years of learning, growing, and transformation, members of The Harpoon wish them the very best. Upon graduation, we hope they leave this campus with a deeper understanding of who they are, who their child should be, and how to best remind them—frequently, lovingly, and via text—that none of this would have been possible without you.

All, U.S.

My Honest Take on the Trump Administration*

*Edits to this article were made possible by the Trump Administration

In 2024, President Donald J. Trump was re-elected President of the United States of America. Since then, kajfhskfjkafjadfjadklkajfhe’s done kfjkafjadfjadklkajfhskfjkafjadfjadkl                       kajfhskfjkafjadfjadklkgreatfjkafjadfjadklkajfhskfjkafjadfjadklkajfhskfjkafjadfjadklkajfhskjobkfjk

fjIdfjadklkajfhskfjkafjadfjadklkajfhslojkafjadfjadklkajfhskfvekafjadfjadklkajfhskTrump.

He is the kdfjsklfjdkaskjfdalfj jfklajfkajsdkajsdaksjdalkjflkadjfalkdfjlakfjaldkjfa greatest salkjalsdjlsdjasdjalsdjaskdjalsdjasdkjasperson kasdkjasddioaskldjfasjkalsdsahdasddkhaj to hold office.

The work he has done is unlike anything I’ve ever seen before. Adkasjdljsadjdhaskdhasdhasdjasdhasdkjahsdkhasdkahsddasdjhaskdhaskh To the people that elected him, djskdjaldjsakdjaskdljdjsdlkjdksdddc  djskdjaldjsakdjaskdljdjs dlkjdksdddc djskdjaldjsakdjaskdljdjsdlkjdksdddcdjskdjaldjsakdjaskdljdjsdlkjdksdddc djskdjaldjsa

djskdjaldjsakdjaskdljdjsdlkjdksdddckdjaskdljdjsdlkjdksdddcdjskdjaldjsakdjaskdljdjsdlkjdksdddc djskdjaldjsakdjaskdljdjsdlkjdksdddc djskdjaldjsakdjaskdljdjsdlkjdksdddc djskdj aldjsakdjas kdljdjsdl kjdksd ddc djskdjaldjsakdjaskdljdjsdlkjdksdddc djskdjaldjsakdjaskdljdjsdlkjdksdddc djskdjaldjsakdjaskdljdjsdlkjdksdddc djskdjaldjsakdjaskdljdjsdlkjdksdddc djskdjaldjs akdjaskdljdjs dlkjdksdddc  djskdjaldjsakdjaskdljdjsdlkjdksdddc 

djskdjaldjsakdjaskdljdjs dlkjdksdddc djskdjaldjsakdjaskdljdjsdlkjdksdddcdjskdjaldjsakdjaskdljdjsdlkjdksdddc djskdjaldjsa djskdjaldjsakdjaskdljdjsdlkjdksdddckdjaskdljdjsdlkjdksdddcdjskdjaldjsakdjaskdljdjsdlkjdksdddc djskdjaldjsakdjaskdljdjsdlkjdksdddc djskdjaldjsakdjaskdljdjsdlkjdksdddc djskdj aldjsakdjas kdljdjsdl kjdksd ddc djskdjaldjsakdjaskdljdjsdlkjdksdddc djskdjaldjsakdjaskdljdjsdlkjdksdddc djskdjaldjsakdjaskdljdjsdlkjdksdddc djskdjaldjsakdjaskdljdjsdlkjdksdddc djskdjaldjs akdjaskdljdjs dlkjdksdddc djskdjaldjsakdjaskdljdjsdlkjdksdddc  djskdjaldjsakdjaskdljdjs dlkjdksdddc djskdjaldjsakdjaskdljdjsdlkjdksdddcdjskdjaldjsakdjaskdljdjsdlkjdksdddc djskdjaldjsa djskdjaldjsakdjaskdljdjsdlkjdksdddckdjaskdljdjsdlkjdksdddcdjskdjaldjsakdjaskdljdjsdlkjdksdddc djskdjaldjsakdjaskdljdjsdlkjdksdddc djskdjaldjsakdjaskdljdjsdlkjdksdddc djskdj aldjsakdjas kdljdjsdl kjdksd ddc djskdjaldjsakdjaskdljdjsdlkjdksdddc djskdjaldjsakdjaskdljdjsdlkjdksdddc djskdjaldjsakdjaskdljdjsdlkjdksdddc djskdjaldjsakdjaskdljdjsdlkjdksdddc djskdjaldjs akdjaskdljdjs dlkjdksdddcThank you.

All, Bowdoin, Op-Ed

Vanilla Ice Cream is Good

By That Guy That Repeats Your Points in Class

I think that 99% of my opinions are really interesting. I also agree with all of them which is part of what makes them so interesting. They’re also just niche. I play by my own rules and I think very originally. You can’t put me in a box. I flow my own flow. 

I think part of it is just that I’m more interesting and better than most people and that I have such a unique, innovative, intelligent mind. That’s why I almost exclusively write op-eds: people need my voice. 

My take is that vanilla ice cream is pretty good. I’m a fan. It makes me feel safe and powerful: no surprises, no bullshit. Especially Kroger brand. It’s like having sex with my girlfriend. We keep it classic. I mount her, she’s under me, my joystick into her, you know how it goes. She loves it. I haven’t asked her, but every once in a while she makes some noise. She takes it upon herself to keep going with her vibrator every single time. She doesn’t even need me for it, that’s how good the dick is. 

Anyway, vanilla ice cream is like that. It’s good man. So good, I usually have something else after.  

All

Opinion: Student Walking into Moulton with Only a Spoon Didn’t Swipe In

Something isn’t right about this. I’ve been doing this eating thing for a long time and I’m pretty sure a spoon ain’t a plate. I could be wrong, but I think that guy I saw walking into Moulton with just a spoon in his hand might not have swiped in. Which is crazy because Cody was right there and he catches everything. I suppose the guy could just really really like Skyr, the Icelandic yogurt. And I suppose he could carry a day’s supply of Skyr in the right pocket of his cargo pants. And I suppose he could swipe into Moulton just to grab a spoon so that he can inconspicuously transport the Skyr from his pocket to his mouth while enjoying the sun at one of those tables outside.

But that seems rather unlikely. 

I guess the question is would we blame the guy with the spoon. I mean, in hunter-gatherer times, we would probably reward that kind of resourcefulness. Imagine if Cody were a fierce lion instead of just a friendly guy. We would surely honor the agility and courage it would take to evade such a beast armed with just a spoon.

Alas, few see it this way. We are too steeped in our malicious collectivism that we look down upon these would-be heroes. Or at least I think so—I heard somebody use the term “malicious collectivism” today in class and thought it sounded smart. The point is we care too much about the common good and not enough about the guy that just wants to hit a double Monday lunch and still have enough swipes for supers.

All

Half of Junior Class Still Missing

It’s been a minute since I’ve seen my buddy Jack “Jiggins” Higgins. Where’s he been? Come to think of it, a lot of my buddies are missing. Lowkey like half the junior class. Where they at? Someone should really look into this. I miss the laughs. I miss cracking open a few brews with my buddies on a Thursday night. I also miss cracking open a few brews with my buddies on Wednesday night. And Tuesday night if Jiggins is having a good week. I miss all the ruckus in HL—the clownery ratio is all off. I miss the nights when everyone would cover themselves in shaving cream. I miss the friends I love.

I tried to talk to Italian Studies Professor Alejandro Cuadrado about this but he wasn’t of much help because I don’t speak Italian. Philosophy Professor Max DuBoff stared deep into my eyes and asked me what it means to categorize something as part of the junior class and whether our existence precedes our essence. This is shaping up to be one of the great mysteries of our age, right alongside what sank the Titanic or who built the Empire State Building. It’s extra tricky because some of the best sleuths in the junior class, including Posie “The Nosy” Cabaniss, are also missing. So I really don’t know where to turn. And on top of all that, I’m going abroad next semester. So if we don’t get to the bottom of this soon I might not get to hangout with my buddies at all.

All

Lonely First Year Discovers Lunch and Dinner in Pub

BRUNSWICK, ME–Amidst artificial light and equally artificial food, many students only choose to dine at the Pub on select occasions. Pub Trivia or the much loathed but well attended Stand-up Nights provide an excuse to spend some Polar Points and enjoy a burger. Yet Massachusetts native Julian Schlogis ‘29 needs no such excuse. Since September 3rd (the second day of the semester) Schlogis has been ripping solo Pub meals for both lunch and dinner. How could anyone brave the sonorous space for so long? How could anyone stand the darkness, the disorientation, the dizziness of a restaurant with no natural light?

Schlogis is revolutionizing the game.

“How long do you think you can keep this up?” Harpoon staff asked Schlogis. “Until YouTube runs out of videos” Schlogis responded coldly. Lonely eaters have long made use of the booths in the Moulton dark room or the side wing of Thorne, but few have been able to sustain such long streaks at the Pub.

Health professionals are worried. Schlogis eats two hamburger patties and a side of mayo twice a day, everyday. “He hasn’t seen anything green since July,” Dr. Maggie Riesbaum, Schlogis’s pediatrician, told the Harpoon. Dr. Riesbaum believes that Schlogis’s body is adapting itself to the environment of the Pub in much the same way that elite athletes adapt to extreme physical stress. His spinal cord has shrunk perfectly to allow his head to watch YouTube from his phone at the optimal level and his eyes have grown to be 2.5 times larger than the average person’s. Dr. Riesbaum believes gills have started to form along Schlogis’s neck to ease his breathing while shoving his face with mayo and bare beef patties. “He’s a squid,” Bryan Schlogis, Julian’s father, told the Harpoon with some dismay. 

Like Kipchoge, Bolt, or Goggins, Julian Schlogis is pushing the limits of what humans can do. Yet as he approaches month two of eating only at the Pub, the question remains–will he get the recognition he deserves?

All

50 Things to Do Before You Graduate

September 2025

  1. Rollback DEI in your friend group 
  2. Feel unwelcome in Buck basement
  3. Act like you’re better than your friends for not going abroad.
  4. Get stuck in your hammock and emerge a beautiful butterfly come spring. 
  5. Set up a camera on the quad for the first snow
  6. Write an OpEd for the Orient that no one will read or care about
  7. Write an article for the Harpoon that’s so offensive it causes someone else to write an OpEd for the Orient that people actually do read and care about
  8. Join club basketball and get rimmed in multiple ways
  9. Prolong your inevitable demise
  10. Get recircumcised
  11. Lose yourself spiritually but also to the music
  12. Regrout the Osher 1st bathroom
  13. Bring balance to the force
  14. Lick every surface of Bax basement
  15. Give up on the dream
  16. Meet with Balkan shaman Sßövdn in the Albanian Alps and realize that the dream is still alive 
  17. Mow down 3 first years on their way to Thorne with your bike 
  18. Destroy the Sith 
  19. Lose your virginity to Broccoli by DRAM ft. Lil Yachty
  20. Lose your virginity to a broccoli 
  21. Try every chutney. Life’s too short.
  22. Change your sheets
  23. Start beef with a vegetarian
  24. Become the ultimate authority on the circumcision debate
  25. Debate the ethics of circumcision with visiting philosophy professor Max DuBoff
  26. Organize a campus visit by Charlie Kirk
  27. Enroll in the United MileagePlus program
  28. Earn platinum status on United Airlines
  29. Apply for the United Explorer Card
  30. Serve your country
  31. Protest discrimination against Christians
  32. Spend the night in every first year brick
  33. Be the first Christian to sing the national anthem at the Bowdoin Colby hockey game
  34. Be the first Christian to join ultimate frisbee
  35. Be the first Christian to join an a Capella group
  36. Apple air tag your professor’s spouse
  37. Name a woman
  38. Juice cleanse
  39. Bong rip in the Chapel
  40. Gut the Green New Deal
  41. Split a 5×5 U-Haul unit with 10 of your closest friends
  42. Take another crack at that Res Life Union, maybe it’ll be different this time!
  43. Join the Harpoon!
  44. Be the person at the party to accidentally turn on the lights
  45. Bong Rip
  46. Bong Rip
  47. Bong Rip
  48. Bong Rip
  49. Bong Rip
  50. Bong Rip