All, Bowdoin

I’m So Much More Than Just a Student Athlete; I’m Also a Golden Retriever.

By HUGO HENTOFF Sep. 7, 2017

At Bowdoin, we’re supposed to be “at home in all lands,” but recently I’ve noticed that my peers have been reducing me to just a single part of my identity. Yes, I am on the basketball team, but that’s not all there is too me. I’m so much more than just a good-looking jock who drops mad buckets; I’m also a golden retriever whose unlikely friendship with a fatherless 12-year-old boy let America feel again. Also I’m a psych major.

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Discrimination against athletes is second only to discrimination against purebred golden retrievers

When people look at me, it’s like all they see is my jersey. When a professor asks the class, “Who’s a good boy?” no one expects the big, dumb jock to know the answer. If they ever bothered to just look past my gorgeous blond hair and record-breaking vertical leap, they’d know that it’s me. I’m the good boy.

Athletics are a big part of my life. I wouldn’t be who I am today if it weren’t for that technicality in the official basketball rulebook whereby it never explicitly prohibits dogs from playing the sport. And if it weren’t for the rush I get from stepping onto the court each game, I’d probably be dead right now, like almost every other dog born in the mid-1990’s. Basketball is part of me. I’m not trying to deny that. But it’s not all of me.

All, World

The Facts Don’t Lie: Our Flat Earth is Warming

By ETHAN BEVINGTON Sep. 6, 2017

After much personal reflection, I can no longer sit idly by while climate science deniers take center stage in the corrupt, Jewish media. We can no longer deny the relationship between CO2 emissions and the rising temperature of our beautiful, flat planet.

The Facts Don't Lie - Our Flat Earth is Warming
                       Behold the beautiful, flat chest of Mother Gaia 

If we do not act now, our children’s futures will be poisoned. They already suffer enough under the fist of the oppressive theory of a spherical Earth, why must they also suffer from asthma and rising tides?

When God made the Earth 6,000 years ago, He made it perfectly in His image. Now, His very creation is on the verge of destroying itself. Soon, all the ice caps will melt and our drinkable water will simply flow over the edge into the abyss.

We must stand strong in the face of this daunting task. If we cannot save the Earth, how will we save ourselves from other tragedies like homosexuality and Catholicism?

The time to act is now!

All, Bowdoin

Bowdoin Football Aims to Improve Record to 1-7

By JACK ARNHOLZ Sep. 5, 2017

The Bowdoin Football team has announced that they hope to improve their record this year to 1-7, a considerable change from last year’s 0-8 record.

“We know this might be a hard milestone to reach,” said sophomore Ralph Richards, “but anything is possible if you believe hard enough. You know what I mean?”

Bowdoin College Athletics, Bowdoin College, Brunswick, Maine, Brian Beard - CIP
                                                     Be better.

Head Coach Bob Hernandez says last year’s 0-8 record could be attributed to players focusing too much on schoolwork. “It seemed like they just disappeared from the field,” said Hernandez.

“I guess we’re the underdog this season,” Richards said, “but I guess it’s better to be the underdog than the abovedog. You know what I mean?”

The team’s first game will be September 16th against Williams College, which the team expects to lose.

All, Bowdoin

First-Year Athlete Disappointed He Never Got Hazed, Drinks Own Urine

By CHRISTIAN FILTER May 23, 2017

First-year golf player Brad Adams recently expressed his disappointment in the lack of hazing he received throughout his first year at Bowdoin. In the past, the College has severely punished teams caught in hazing scandals, which has prompted teams to end the practice for the most part. However, Adams says he wishes he had been hazed. To replicate the missed experience, he forced himself to drink his own urine.

“The year is pretty much over and I’m super bummed that no one ever hazed the shit out of me,” commented Adams. “No elephant walks, no sodomy via obscure objects, nothing. So I forced myself to drink my own urine. It sucked, but I really feel like one of the boys now.”

When asked if he would haze next year’s freshmen, Adams said, “Dude, c’mon. The proper term is ‘first-year.’ The word, ‘freshman’ is outdated, promotes exclusivity, and insinuates a social hierarchy within the student body. But yeah, they’re gonna be hazed out of their fuckin’ minds.”

All, World

French Pre-School Teachers on the Prowl for Future Presidents

By ETHAN BEVINGTON May 22, 2017

Following the electoral success of Emmanuel Macron, many French pre-school teachers have begun prowling their classrooms for future French presidents.

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“What political party do you want to run with when you grow up?”

“Macron’s wife really was the first to exhibit this kind of foresight and date someone twenty four years younger,” said one teacher. “I mean, to stay together after his parents sent him away to Paris because they disapproved of the relationship. That’s love.”

“I’m not that picky,” said another teacher. “I don’t really see age; I could date someone older, my age, or younger. I would honestly marry a fetus if I thought it had a chance of being the next president.”

Some teachers have instituted mock elections to see which children have the potential to be likable politicians. “The ones who bully the Muslim students seem to poll really well,” observed one teacher.

Originally published on College Reaction

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All, Maine

Doctor Congratulates Sexually Active Patient

By SAM HALPERT May 18, 2017

Upon arriving for his annual checkup, 17-year-old patient and former loser James Bristol sped through the typical medical small talk before arriving at the real reason for the yearly checkup. His doctor, pediatrician Michael Wassmer, glossed over most of the superficial ritual questions about vaccines and testicular cancer before reaching the climax both parties knew was coming: “James, are you sexually active?”

Bristol answered with the four manliest words he knew: “I am sexually active.” After receiving the affirmative response, the doctor stood up and exclaimed that, in his medical opinion, this revelation was, “Pretty fuckin’ sweet.” Beaming all the while, he congratulated the young champion on exiting loserdom. Confetti streamed from the ceiling, several air horns sounded, and scantily clad nurses came in to join on the applause.

Dr. Wassmer noted, “I honestly didn’t think he had it in him. I mean look at the kid. In my medical opinion he was one of the biggest fucking losers to enter my waiting room. Three weeks ago, he closed that chapter of his life and now look at what he’s gone on to do. This is the kind of stuff they don’t prepare you for in med school. This is why you come to work everyday.”

All, U.S.

Meet the Founder of Reading Period, Joan Reading

By JACOB BASKES May 15, 2017

At the end of each semester, college students across the country have a vacation known as Reading Period. As it turns out, this tradition, formerly known as “drinking period,” is named in memory of the famed Joan Reading.

cdm_87919Reading was a prominent leader of the drinking culture when she attended the University of Chicago in the 1920’s. It was known throughout the Midwest that she could do a keg stand for 13 minutes before deriving the Lorentz Transformation Equation upside down with one hand tied behind her back. It is no secret either, that her best “disc” time is still the national record, at 16.31 seconds.

Joan was known to make the most of the four-day period that followed the last day of classes, and University of Chicago records show that even in her first year at the University, she downed an average of 17 beers per day throughout the long weekend. In her honor, the University titled the stage between classes and finals, “Reading Period,” and the name has since spread to other institutions of higher education around the country.

Let’s make sure we honor Joan this Reading Period!

 

 

All, U.S.

Trump Fires Comey Over Text

By JACK ARNHOLZ May 10, 2017

President Donald Trump fired F.B.I. Director James Comey Tuesday over allegations that he misled the public. Trump apparently notified Comey over text.Trump Fires Comey

“It sort of came as a shock considering everything we’ve been through,” said Comey. “I mean, I was the giving member of the relationship. I gave him romantic foot rubs, I gave him candlelit dinners, I mean, Christ, I even gave him the presidency!”

“The least Trump could have done would have been to call me or take me out to an ice cream in the park,” Comey said.

Reportedly, Trump has already found a replacement for Comey. Mikhail Vladimirovich, a non-English speaking Muscovite, will head the F.B.I.

Originally published on College Reaction

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All, Bowdoin

College Does Not Ask Students’ Consent Before Disbanding Alliance for Sexual Assault Prevention

By JACK ARNHOLZ May 8, 2017

Bowdoin College has decided that the Alliance for Sexual Assault Prevention (ASAP) will no longer serve as a campus-wide programming organization. Reports have confirmed that the College did not ask for students’ consent before making this decision.

“ASAP is changing, and students are probably fine with that,” said Director of Gender Violence Prevention and Education Veronica Matthews. “I mean, we asked a group of students if we could disband the program and one guy who was texting kind of nodded his head, clearly indicating affirmative consent.”

Matthews also announced that the administration plans to merge the Center for Gender Violence Prevention and Education with the men’s hockey team.

All, Bowdoin

Bowdoin College Republicans and Russian Club Merge

By CHRISTIAN FILTER May 5, 2017

In a highly controversial yet somewhat predictable move, the Bowdoin College Republicans and the Bowdoin Russian Club have decided to combine their organizations.

“The merge just made sense,” commented William Pemberton, a member of the Bowdoin College Republicans. “Both of our groups have very similar goals and ideas about the future. Honestly, it was kind of absurd that we had two separate clubs for so long.”

“It’s about time,” said the head of the Russian Club Allyson Federov. “We’ve basically been running their club for a year or two now, so it’s good to finally get the recognition we deserve.”