Tag: Satire

All, Bowdoin, Miscellaneous

Bowdoin Ski Team Decides Enough of No Snow!

by RITZ BORDIA  | Jan 25th, 2024

After a season-long struggle with ice-covered slopes, the Bowdoin Alpine Ski Team has taken matters into their own hands—or rather, their own snow machines. The decision to manufacture their winter wonderland came to fruition during their weekly Thursday night Bolos trip, where the team gathered to discuss the dire need for a more traditional skiing experience.

“We were tired of pretending we were auditioning for a figure skating competition every time we hit the slopes,” remarked a team captain with a twirl and triple axel on the metaphorical ice they have been dealing with. “It was time to bring back the fluffy white stuff that makes skiing, well, skiing.”

Armed with determination and a singular STEM major, the team embarked on a mission to create the perfect snow. The concoction has been affectionately named “Powder-on-the-Go” by its members and is quickly spreading across the campus. 

“We’re basically pioneers of the snow frontier,” said the closest thing to a scientist the team has (an EOS major). “Since they go to a safety school, the Colby Ski Club may have given up, but not us Bears!” 

Due to an unfortunate YikYak leak, this special “Powder-on-the-Go” recipe has been released. Doing my due diligence, and in an effort of transparency, I have provided this recipe but have been told I am not legally allowed to tell you the exact proportions (but, hint, just, like, go look at YikYak).

Ingredients:

  • Coca leaves (preferably from the Andes)
  • Gasoline (obviously)
  • Sulfuric Acid
  • Potassium Permanganate (what?)
  • Sodium Carbonate (for that Fizz)
  • Acetone (for the smell)
  • Hydrochloric acid 
  • Water (stay hydrated!)
  • Baking Soda
  • A sprinkle of fairy dust (apparently, the team has their own fairy farm)

Recipe:

  1. Soak the coca leaves in gasoline for exactly 3 hours. No more, no less
  2. Drain the gasoline
  3. Add sulfuric acid to the mix
  4. Add potassium permanganate and water. If your mixture is purple, you’re on the right track
  5. Strain the mixture and add the sodium carbonate
  6. Add acetone and let that shit evaporate. Your snow should now be sticky and almost perfect
  7. Dissolve in hydrochloric acid
  8. Add some more water and the baking soda, and make that Fizz (I lied; it was not from the sodium carbonate)
  9. Filter, add your fairy dust, and you will be left with the perfect snow
  10. Go snor- I mean, ski!

With love,

A Bowdoin ski and ride member

This article is being monitored by Homeland Security. 

All, Bowdoin, Maine, Miscellaneous

Lean and Green: Bowdoin Organic Garden loses employees to starvation after less than bountiful harvest.

by TYLER DEANE  | Feb 8th, 2024

Do you ever wonder where your daily apple from Fast Track comes from? When you crunch on a cucumber from the Thorne salad bar, do you think, “where did this meal start its journey?” It most likely did not start at the Bowdoin Organic Garden. This past fall harvest left something to be desired for those who rely on the BOG’s fruitful exports.

The Sustainability Office, I think, runs the garden, where they grow a vast array of crops right next to the maintenance vehicle parking spot behind Osher Hall. The plants produced here are used as the sole food source for a small group of BOC adjacent kids who till the half-acre plot each season Their scraps turn into the steamed vegetables you passed up at Moulton in favor of ghost pepper mac and cheese.

With the worldwide climate reaching indisputable never-before-seen extremes (allegedly) and the squirrels being extra hungry this year, this growing season was one of the most pitiful on record. This has led to sorrowful consequences, including the deaths of two of the aforementioned farmers, Nalgene McMassachusetts (‘26) and Brian “My dad is a Boeing executive” Calhoun (‘24). Even more horrific, the dining halls now have exclusively store bought hot sauce. The leaders of the garden have decided that to ensure their cornucopias never run dry again, they will be implementing the use of MiracleGro and a guy named Jebediah with a chin beard (pictured below) to stand out there and watch over the land.

All, Bowdoin, World

Single Lesbians Settle for BOC Men on Valentine’s Day

by STAFF WRITER  | Feb 8th, 2024

Valentine’s Day is stressful for single students; you haven’t talked to your marriage pact since last semester, your campus crush would just be a hail mary, and Bax basement isn’t exactly the place to find love. Most end up spending the Day with their single peers, but this February, Bowdoin’s lesbian population is taking a more resourceful approach. Conveniently, Bowdoin is home to more than one population of mullets and Blundstones. That’s right—those struggling with the female demographic are opting for the next best thing: BOC men.

“Sometimes I can’t even tell the difference,” said one first-year, blaming the common BOC wardrobe of short-sleeve button-down shirts and cargo pants. “Honestly, I’ve accidentally hit on them a few times in the College Houses.” The two groups also conveniently have overlapping interests; our sources report spotting the new “couples” bouldering, working on their Subarus, and comparing Nalgene stickers. 

But soon enough, they will come to terms with reality. A few shared vegetarian meals may ease the pain of a lonely Valentine’s Day, but BOC men will never replace the real thing. Nonetheless, we at the Harpoon hope this serves as a reminder that we’re more alike than we think. Lesbians, if you see a BOC man around campus, give him a tip of your five-panel hat. And we’re sure he’ll tip his back. 

All, Bowdoin, Miscellaneous, World

Things I Didn’t Miss About Bowdoin While Being Abroad

by STAFF WRITER | Feb 1st, 2024

By one of the thirty women you know who just got back from their semester in Europe 

Last semester, I studied abroad in [insert bougie country here], and here are some things I absolutely did not miss about Bowdoin:

  • The shockingly dry chicken at the dining halls 
  • Paying $7.89 for a head of lettuce at Hannaford if I decide to cook at home 
  • Opening Grubhub and getting two options (that being Watami and… no that’s actually it, right?)
  • Getting catcalled by the teenagers of the Brunswick High School in their dad’s pick up truck while I’m walking down South street
  • Seeing NARPs wearing shorts in 20 degree weather. Bonus points if it’s a man on the swim team with shaven legs.
  • Getting kicked out of an HL study room at 7pm by a math major who claims to have reserved it for the next 5 hours 
  • Bowdoin computer updates every other day
  • The Orient 
  • Walking into class and seeing that one guy who speaks exactly like ChatGPT would if it was a real person, or that one girl who raises her hand to answer every question with random buzzwords she learned on TikTok
  • Dropping a class because I’m too dumb for it, then joining a new one only to learn that the professor is the “king of cold calls”
  • Ripping Celsius to the point where I feel like I’ve just smoked crack, but really I just have a pile of homework bigger than the average econ professor’s ego
  • Mud season
  • Long line at the mail center
  • Getting yelled at in the mail center to have my student ID ready when it’s literally in my hand
  • Finally getting a biweekly paycheck from working a student job on campus only for it to be like $80
  • Working so hard on an assignment just to get a B- 

There are, however, some things I did actually miss about Bowdoin:

  • Once, I saw a 65 year old man at the beach wearing nothing but a thong, and I just feel like that would never happen at Bowdoin. I didn’t even study abroad in France. 
  • Wearing sweatpants wherever I want while still remaining a part of the norm
  • Cheap drinks at Thursday night Bolos 
  • The Harpoon 
All, Bowdoin, Op-Ed

The Worst Person You Know Is Applying to Be a Tour Guide

by ISA FERNANDEZ  | Feb 2nd, 2024

That’s right folks, you heard it here first: the worst person you know is applying to be a tour guide. Admissions desperately needed to diversify their staff after realizing that not every POC student could lead a tour, and was forced to turn to that one guy in your class that just LOVES to hear himself speak. You know the one. The one that raises his hand, speaks for a solid 90 seconds and then only kinda asks a question. The one that goes on and on about “the good old days” when his dad went here and frats were still around and women weren’t allowed in BSG. I know. It’s a sad, sad day for us Bears. God help those poor high school seniors who are gonna have to hear about how he used to live on Moore fourth, and how cool his proctor was, and how he totally could’ve gotten with her if she wasn’t a raging bitch. And GOD FORBID one of those stupid parents asks about sports teams. Because then they’re gonna have to hear about how he would’ve gone D1 for swimming if he hadn’t almost drowned that one time so he had to settle for leading those weekday kayak sessions at the BOC. Please, I beg of you, apply for the tour guide position. Literally anyone is better than this fucking guy.

All, Bowdoin, Miscellaneous

Confectionary Contraception: My Safe Sex Saga

by STAFF WRITER  | Jan 30th, 2024

This past weekend I did something that I never thought I’d do: have sex. I know what you’re thinking, a hot sexy guy like me (take my word for it) with a quick wit and a kind heart (I promise) should have no problem finding someone to copulate with. Sadly, it seems that the old adage is true: nice guys always finish last. That is, until this weekend. I was posted up at lighthouse chatting up an absolute ten from my writing seminar, and I worked up the courage to ask her to come back to my room. And get this… she said yes! On the walk back, however, a terrible realization crossed my mind: I don’t have any condoms. “That should be no problem,” an average observer such as yourself might think, “Your proctor definitely has a whole array of sex-related paraphernalia at the ready.” I was once so naïve. As I approached my proctor’s door, I reached into what I thought was the condom bowl only to come out with a handful of candy. Who replaces a condom bowl with a candy bowl?!? Nevertheless, I was determined to finally lose my v-card, so I knew I had to get creative. I opened up a pack of whoppers and I had a revelation. This small, cylindrical wrapper might have been made for three chocolate balls, but that night they would be used for other balls. Luckily, I’m not the most well-endowed fellow (I’m on track), so it was a perfect fit. We ended up having the best thirteen seconds of my life followed by three and a half minutes of cuddling before I kicked her out. All in all, I wouldn’t recommend a whopper wrapper condom, but it’ll do in a pinch. Stay safe out there, bears.

All, Bowdoin, Miscellaneous, Op-Ed

Safa Zaki Found Wandering Aisles of Target 

by ISA FERNANDEZ  | Jan 30th, 2024

Guys, I think we ruined Safa Zaki. I was wandering around the Topsham Target, buying things I honestly shouldn’t, considering I have all of $1.62 in my bank account and (despite my numerous petitions) Target doesn’t take Polar Points, when I saw our president riding one of those electric scooters, with no regard for her safety or that of others, hurling half frozen pizzas at unattended children (Chaos Theory: new recruit?). After a swift dive to grab the mouthwash she was guarding, I could hear her cackling and muttering about “those damn gift cards.” Apparently, those weren’t phishing emails! President Zaki really did need our phone numbers for an assignment, the assignment being purchasing some $200 in Target gift cards to buy her hot girl things™. I guess Bowdoin doesn’t pay its faculty nearly as much as we thought it did (considering our $2.4 billion endowment last year), and President Zaki has been forced to turn to us, the student body, for help. Without the finances she so desperately needed, she lost her mind and claimed a new home within the walls of the Topsham Target. Needless to say, I did not want to be the one to anger President Zaki, so I got the fuck out of there.

I asked one of those soulless Target employees about our president’s new home. According to him, she’s been a complete nuisance to the store. Customers have been forced to listen to her recite her email from memory, begging them for their numbers from the toilet paper roll throne she has fashioned in the southwest corner of the store. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see another disgruntled employee using a spray bottle to get President Zaki out of a bag of Flavor Blasted Xtra Cheddar Goldfish sitting on a shelf. You truly hate to see a diva down like that. She’s become a sort of folk tale to the Topsham residents, who now call her Rat Queen Zaki. Ok, girlboss, we see you!

I guess the moral of the story is to never EVER trust the Bowdoin IT department (fuck you guys for making me update my Mac all the time), and congratulations, President Zaki, on becoming Topsham Target’s new Rat Queen!

Note: Bowdoin is, once again, hiring a new president to take her place as she rules the linoleum aisles of Target, and (completely unrelated) Target is hiring an exterminator.

All

College Changes Mascot to “Bi-Polar Bears” for Mental Health Awareness Month

BY: PATRICK LYNOTT Oct. 27, 2020

In a characteristically suave announcement on Friday, Clayton Rose, President of Bowdoin College and an intensely passionate botanist, declared that for the duration of National Mental Health Week, the college would be amending its mascot to the “Bi-Polar Bears.” The decision comes as a response to renewed calls to update the oft bemoaned Counseling Services at the school. “I have decided to take substantial action in honor of Mental Health Awareness Month,” said Rose in the Friday statement, evidently filmed in front of the fireplace at Xanadu. “And effective immediately, I will be changing our mascot to the Bi-Polar Bears. Get it? Because Polar B- and – er. You had to be there, I guess. But I will also be cutting the Counseling budget by another 15%, so there’s that.”

The announcement was met with mostly humdrum murmurings and banal platitudes among the student body. As Arjun Mehta (‘21), a senior majoring in Sourdough Bread and Superfluous Geography, put it: “I would expect such a savvy PR move from the likes of Bates College located in Lewiston and Waterville’s own Colby College, but not from Bowdoin, which can be found in Brunswick, Maine.” 

This does not mark Bowdoin’s first mascot change. The school’s original mascot was the “Whispering Pines,” which was changed to the now defunct “Polar Bears” in 1913. And in 1994, swept up in “Mel-mania,” the college changed the mascot to the “Mavericks” in honor of the Mel Gibson film of the same name. The college of course reverted back to the “Polar Bears” upon revelations of Gibson’s views about semetic people. The Bowdoin administration swore off another impulsive mascot change, until the present one by Rose. “I just couldn’t help myself,” Rose told Harpoon reporters. “The pun was begging to be used. Plus, I needed pretense to announce those budget cuts to the Counseling Services. I think I got out in front of the narrative.” 

The new moniker will be a muzzled and straightjacketed version of the current Polar Bear with a little dialogue bubble that reads “Please help mnfomonfouBDN=jbifdonsqowphcibz.”

All, Bowdoin

Alcohol-Related Transports at Record Low; Peer Health Cites New Online Newsletter As Primary Cause

BY: WILL HAUSMANN Oct. 27, 2020

After six full weekends on campus, there has been a shockingly small number of transports to Mid Coast Hospital due to the over-imbibing of alcohol. Only four students have found themselves taking an unplanned ambulance ride, according to data the Harpoon obtained from the Office of Safety and Security. This represents a 71% decline in transports, compared to an average of 13.7 transports through six weekends in previous years.

Members of Peer Health are suggesting the decline can be attributed to their decision to introduce a virtual newsletter each week, starting in late March of last academic year. “We decided that Peer Health needed a messaging change, so we chose an email newsletter instead of posters because it’s a digital age and stuff,” Darren Shepherd ‘21 told the Harpoon. “After realizing the screenagers of today spend all of their time on the toilet staring at their phones instead of the Stall Street Journal, we realized we needed to go virtual to be successful.”

Susan Seuss ‘21 , a Biology major, aspiring research MD, and co-leader of Peer Health, said she is investigating this effect for her honors project this year. “I conducted a double-blind, peer-reviewed experiment comparing the transport rates of students who identify as ‘Active’ vs ‘Inactive’ readers of Peer Health content,” Seuss said. She went on to say that her data “absolutely guarantees” that the newsletter is preventing transports.

When asked whether COVID and social distancing guidelines could be attributed to the lower number of transports, Seuss and Shepherd said there was “weak causality at best.”

Still, not all students are ready to accept Peer Health’s explanation. According to Orson Digby Palmer V, self-described “beer maven” and third generation member of the lacrosse team, the sole reason for the decline is “this year’s crop of first years are simply not as cool as that of previous years,” and they lack the “100 kegs or bust” mentality exemplified by our newest Supreme Court justice,

All, Op-Ed

OPINION: How I Seized the Chambo Lobby’s Condoms To Display My Supreme Coolness

BY: JACOB TRACHTENBERG Oct. 27, 2020

I am a really cool guy. If you ken me (that’s a traditional Scottish word for “know”), you are certainly aware that I am an attractive, strong, significant, intelligent human being who can ingest exactly twenty-one alcoholic beverages in one nighttime session. (And afterward, I can still recite every Hamlet soliloquy from memory.) But I have encountered a simple yet deceivingly complex conundrum (ah yes, the pleasure of an intentional contradiction)–most of you inferiors are not yet acquainted with me (and you shall regret that).

This year, I have been unable to converse with all my buddies from ninth, tenth, eleventh, and twelfth grades–my many, many close friends who all do, in fact, exist, such as Jimmy, Johnny, Jerry, Joey, Janie, Jenny, Jackie, and my best friend of all, Rick. I shall provide evidence of their quiddity (oh, what a sumptuous term!). I shall first provide Jenny’s phone number: 867-5309. And now, a video of Rick singing one of his delightful little tunes: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ. 

Although relinquishing time with J, J, J, J, J, J, J, and R was arduous, I shall now form new social attachments at Boing Doing. (That was a joke, by the way!) While adhering to social distancing guidelines, I concocted a scheme to demonstrate my utter coolness to my peers, without the help of my dastardly roommates. (My roommates refuse to acknowledge my quiddity [oh, what a voluptuous piece of vocabulary!], perhaps out of envy, but I shall disclose that tale during another 24-hour solar period!)

I shall now discuss my brilliant plot. It revolves around the free condoms in the lobby of Chambo, for one must take advantage of what one is given without cost. I often opine that power rests in the hands of those who hold condoms. I had to ensure all recognized the gargantuan number of condoms I possessed and certainly intended to employ during that night’s witching hour.

Enough chitter-chatter: shall we bask in my swagger? From here, I shall describe my six-point plan in enthralling narrative format. Prepare thyself.

Step 1: I stumbled upon a gathering–a legal one with mask-wearing collegiate citizens. Rule breaking is naughty, but not as naughty as I was about to (pretend to) be! They were socializing in the Chamberlain Hall lobby viewing the television (oh, the immaturity!)–next to the box of complimentary phallic protectors. Perfect!

Step 2: I strode to the condom box, guaranteeing my footsteps were as loud as possible. As I arrived at the box, I confidently yodeled (exact words: “YODELEEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEH!”) to attract the attention of my classmates. They stared at me, in awe of my confidence and might.

Step 3: It was time to pop the question: “Which one of these condoms is largest?” A muscular first-year answered, “they’re all the same, headass!” But this was part of the plot from the outset! You see, now they know about my (ten sentences redacted for ‘flowery’ language).

Step 4: I grabbed each and every condom and stuffed them all in my wintry jacket. Oh, the pleasure of the condom! A round of applause erupted, and the plebeians chanted my name–oh, how fickle the masses are! The approval I desperately craved had been achieved, if only for a temporary amount of time; I was finally hip, as the masses say.

Step 5: I located a second gathering in my floor’s common room and “accidentally” spilled my jacket-full of condoms on the vodka-stained carpet. “Bravo!” exclaimed my proctor. “You are definitely going to have sex tonight, perhaps even seventeen times!” But my proctor counted the condoms incorrectly–there were in fact nineteen condoms on the ground. I was to possess nineteen sexes that night, in fact! Ah, how sophisticated–and sexual–I am!

Step 6: I returned to my room and immediately discarded the condoms, because no true patrician needs those anyway. Alright, I admit I played finger-puppets with them for a while, but quickly after, I buried them in the trash can as I ritualistically chanted Kant’s treatises on the immorality of sex. For no perspicacious human would base one’s sexual philosophy on infantile and lewd pieces of ‘cinema’ such as “The 40-Year-Old Virgin” or “Animal House” rather than Kant. One day, I shall find a partner who despises sex as much as I; on that day, I shall perhaps be open to….

Anyway, the deed is done. My reputation has skyrocketed–every time I encounter someone who attended that gathering, they laugh, as if enthused by my mere quiddity (if you have not looked up that word, you do not deserve life)! Thus begins my social dominion over the college.

Now, all grasp my coolness–except the guys who actually needed condoms that night.