Month: September 2017

All, U.S.

Ted Cruz Gives In, Finally Has to See What Sex Looks Like

By SANDRO COCITO Sep. 13, 2017

Former Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz caused quite a stir Monday night when he favorited a pornographic tweet from his public Twitter account. This came as a surprise to many, as most people thought Cruz, 46, was exclusively aroused by 19th century furniture.

FILE: Ted Cruz Expected To Make Bid For Presidency
         “Does anyone have a Wet-Nap? My hands are disgusting”

When asked for comment, Cruz stated he “had to do it” since he “had never seen the glorious miracle of creation before.”

“It was such a pure, beautiful, intimately human moment. I just had to share it,” he added, while glancing over to the bukake playing on an iPad next to him.

When pressed about his two daughters, Cruz waved his hands in exasperation, stating, “that whole thing” was “besides the point.” He went on to say that he has “learned that there is only one Reality King: Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.”

He provided no further comment.

All, Maine

I Am The Best Skier On The Mountain So Fuck You

By SAM HALPERT Sep. 12, 2017

Yeah, you heard me. I’m sick at skiing. You’re not as sick as me. Go fuck yourself.

Oh, did you not know I was sick at skiing? Don’t worry; I’ll talk about it all the time. I’ll talk about it loudly at the beginning of class so you can hear me. I’ll talk about it at the end of class too. If you’re lucky, the professor will even ask me to talk about it during class. I’ll do it even if he doesn’t ask. I’ll talk about it in the dining hall. I’ll talk about it when we’re having sex. I’ll even talk about it at my aunt’s wake.

I Am the Best Skier on the Mountain
                          Jesus Goddamn Christ, I’m so fucking rad

Now that you know I’m sick at skiing, let me be more specific: I crush it on a regular basis. I crush groomers. I crush parks. I crush backcountry glades that would make you cry and laugh and poop all at the same time.

Do I have a sweet GoPro? Yes. Do I get sweet footage of me crushing every run of the day? No doubt. Will I release a fire edit at the end of the season with kickass Skrilex mixes, excessive amounts of slow-mo, and an embarrassing amount of footage of me not being sick at anything? Fuckin’ right I will. Will I aggressively promote this mediocre content until you want to stab me? I’m not God so I don’t know, but bring it on.

I love danger.

All, Bowdoin

Student Successfully Navigates Interaction With Guy He Had Class With Once

By ETHAN BEVINGTON Sep. 11, 2017

Upon returning to campus, sophomore Greg Rollins successfully interacted with a guy who sat near him in an anthropology class last semester.

“He just came up to me in Moulton and went for a hug and then started asking about my summer,” said Rollins. “I don’t even remember speaking to him last semester, but he knew exactly which nonprofit film studio I worked for.”

Student Successfully Navigates
                            “I don’t have to talk to anyone else today”

“I almost panicked when I stopped explaining my summer and he just stared at me. Thank god I thought to ask him if he had a good summer. I was really on a roll, so I asked him if he was going to take anymore anthropology classes and then feigned interest in his rant about how he felt sociology called to him.”

Rollins plans on spending the rest of the semester in his Brunswick apartment to avoid similar interactions.

All, Bowdoin

7 Things to Do with Your Semester After Intro to Computer Science

By ETHAN BEVINGTON Sep. 9, 2017

Having trouble figuring out what to do with all your free time after taking a fun, collaborative course in computer science last semester? We can help! Here are 7 things you can do with your life after taking Intro to Computer Science. 

1: Go Abroad

Let’s be honest. You will probably have to take a semester off after this class, so you may as well spend it somewhere that isn’t your childhood bedroom.

2: Learn to Bake

This will come in handy at your J-Board meeting; everyone loves baked goods and you need all the help you can get!

3: Go for a Run

Excercise will help clear your head and serve as a metaphor for how you avoid personal responsibility by running away from your problems and various shortcomings.

4: Masturbate

You’re going to have a lot of time, so might as well, right?

5: Spend Time With Your Friends

Odds are you had some help in Computer Science, so your friends will probably have some time on their hands too. This will be a great time to deepen your relationships.

6: Read Infinite Jest

If you made it past masturbating and are already bored, what more do you have to lose? You may as well read this fucking book so you can talk to the other six assholes on campus that have read it.

7: Learn Python

You signed up for the class, so you may as well get what you set out to get out of the class, even it things didn’t go as planned the first time around.

All, Bowdoin

Returning Student Has Charming Conversation With P-MSSQL2014-IN2-INST2

By JACOB BASKES Sep. 8, 2017

Upon returning to campus, sophomore Karen Pratt had a lovely email correspondence with P-MSSQL2014-IN2-INST2, Bowdoin’s Mail Center package notification system.

Returning Student Has Charming Conversation
                                   The heart wants what the heart wants

Pratt received a welcome surprise upon seeing a message in her inbox on Sunday, and responded by thanking the automated system for his generosity throughout the years. “Should we maybe take this to the next level?” she asked at one point in her email. “All you have shown me is kindness, and I haven’t yet had the opportunity to give you anything in return,” she continued, before asking if the inanimate figment of the internet would be available in the Mail Room after 5:00 PM.

When Pratt did not receive a response within the hour, she immediately ordered a bouquet of flowers from Amazon with one-day shipping. The next day, she seemed to be expecting a lovely gift from her electronic crush.

All, Bowdoin

I’m So Much More Than Just a Student Athlete; I’m Also a Golden Retriever.

By HUGO HENTOFF Sep. 7, 2017

At Bowdoin, we’re supposed to be “at home in all lands,” but recently I’ve noticed that my peers have been reducing me to just a single part of my identity. Yes, I am on the basketball team, but that’s not all there is too me. I’m so much more than just a good-looking jock who drops mad buckets; I’m also a golden retriever whose unlikely friendship with a fatherless 12-year-old boy let America feel again. Also I’m a psych major.

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Discrimination against athletes is second only to discrimination against purebred golden retrievers

When people look at me, it’s like all they see is my jersey. When a professor asks the class, “Who’s a good boy?” no one expects the big, dumb jock to know the answer. If they ever bothered to just look past my gorgeous blond hair and record-breaking vertical leap, they’d know that it’s me. I’m the good boy.

Athletics are a big part of my life. I wouldn’t be who I am today if it weren’t for that technicality in the official basketball rulebook whereby it never explicitly prohibits dogs from playing the sport. And if it weren’t for the rush I get from stepping onto the court each game, I’d probably be dead right now, like almost every other dog born in the mid-1990’s. Basketball is part of me. I’m not trying to deny that. But it’s not all of me.

All, World

The Facts Don’t Lie: Our Flat Earth is Warming

By ETHAN BEVINGTON Sep. 6, 2017

After much personal reflection, I can no longer sit idly by while climate science deniers take center stage in the corrupt, Jewish media. We can no longer deny the relationship between CO2 emissions and the rising temperature of our beautiful, flat planet.

The Facts Don't Lie - Our Flat Earth is Warming
                       Behold the beautiful, flat chest of Mother Gaia 

If we do not act now, our children’s futures will be poisoned. They already suffer enough under the fist of the oppressive theory of a spherical Earth, why must they also suffer from asthma and rising tides?

When God made the Earth 6,000 years ago, He made it perfectly in His image. Now, His very creation is on the verge of destroying itself. Soon, all the ice caps will melt and our drinkable water will simply flow over the edge into the abyss.

We must stand strong in the face of this daunting task. If we cannot save the Earth, how will we save ourselves from other tragedies like homosexuality and Catholicism?

The time to act is now!

All, Bowdoin

Bowdoin Football Aims to Improve Record to 1-7

By JACK ARNHOLZ Sep. 5, 2017

The Bowdoin Football team has announced that they hope to improve their record this year to 1-7, a considerable change from last year’s 0-8 record.

“We know this might be a hard milestone to reach,” said sophomore Ralph Richards, “but anything is possible if you believe hard enough. You know what I mean?”

Bowdoin College Athletics, Bowdoin College, Brunswick, Maine, Brian Beard - CIP
                                                     Be better.

Head Coach Bob Hernandez says last year’s 0-8 record could be attributed to players focusing too much on schoolwork. “It seemed like they just disappeared from the field,” said Hernandez.

“I guess we’re the underdog this season,” Richards said, “but I guess it’s better to be the underdog than the abovedog. You know what I mean?”

The team’s first game will be September 16th against Williams College, which the team expects to lose.