By JACK ARNHOLZ Feb. 23, 2017

Dean of Students Tim Foster has limited the number of students who can live with him off-campus to 200. “As much I love the Bowdoin community, my house cannot physically hold more than 200 kids,” said Dean Foster.

Bowdoin has seen an increase in the number of people living with Dean Foster in the past year. Students cite his home’s proximity to Brunswick, distance from Bowdoin security, and presence of Foster’s comforting smile as reasons for living there.

“It’s so awesome living with the Fosters. Sometimes, when I get scared at night, I crawl into their bed. Usually, there are already at least a dozen other students in there,” said Emmett Behar. “And he’s so easy to talk to. Did you know he went to a Waldorf school?”

Behar continued, “Do you know what the difference is between a house and home? I do. Home is where Dean Foster is.”

By ETHAN BEVINGTON Feb. 22, 2017

Bowdoin sophomore Kate Waters received the ever-helpful insight of checking eBear during her career planning meeting last Thursday.

“I mean, I never could have thought of that on my own,” said Waters. “I was just hoping to come in and get recommendations about a few internships in my field based on my qualifications, but instead I get to search through thousands of internships that I may or may not be qualified for and may not even be relevant to my field.”

“We strive to help all students achieve our dreams of working in finance or consulting,” said Tom Dole, a Career Planning employee. “We want each and every Bowdoin student to have the chance to live in the greater New York City or Boston area and have a meaningful, corporate life.”

“My career councilor told me to go to the Maine Employers fair,” said Waters. “I’m a Classics Major, but who knows what I might find.”

By RODGER HEIDGERKEN Feb. 17, 2017

In an attempt to diversify the Bowdoin community, admissions has announced that it will be not be admitting more than 200 students named Emma or Sam to the class of 2021.

Recent statistics taken by the Admissions Office show that approximately 64% of the enrolled class of 2020 is named either Sam or Emma.

“This is just the beginning of our fight against excessive homogeneity in names,” stated an admissions officer after wait-listing an applicant named Sam Barry. “We were even considering putting a cap on Connors, Jacks, Carolines, Charlottes, and Sarahs, but we still need athletes.”

The absence of anyone from the Admissions Office named Sam or Emma has lead some students to suspect an incident of bias.

By SAM HALPERT Feb. 16, 2017

All 97 Bowdoin a capella groups are reportedly switching focus from ruining classic songs with their mouths to choreographing the rhythmic and tasteful arm movements necessary to compensate for a lack of instruments.

A capella connoisseur Steven Jackson noted, “While the singing is certainly a nice touch, it often distracts from the immersive experience that well-executed arm swinging and tastefully assembled J-Crew outfits provide.”

When asked for comment, head spokesman for Bowdoin a capella Amanda Roberts remarked, “Shoo wop, doo doo doooo wop, shimmy now yeah yeah yeaaaaah, shoobee doobee doo.”