With the baseball season quickly approaching, this year’s chances are looking grimmer than ever before, a feat once thought to be unthinkable. Coming back from Winter Break, the team has significantly, and unexpectedly, declined in numbers. While one would expect the player’s commitment to Division 3 college baseball to be rock-solid, it appears that there is one thing in this world these players might just treasure more: protecting the United States of America. That’s right, they fucking joined ICE. Around half of the team, approximately 14 players, will be donning ill-fitting uniforms and face masks to become ICE agents. Though the team is sad to lose their fellow teammates, the collective opinion on the team is that the brave 14 have moved on to what they have termed “bigger and better things.” 

“I throb thinking about being grabbed by a strong man dressed in a sexy camo uniform–rugged and worn–smelling of must, Zyns, and Old Spice,” says Gabe Gableson, captain of the team. “Honestly, what those agents are doing for this country touches me–their bravery has touched me in ways I’ve never been touched before.”   

Other teammates have expressed similar feelings. “My teammates’ bravery is an inspiration to me,” John Jackson said. “I long to just look in their eyes, shake their hand, and say ‘Thank you for all that you have done for me.’”

“If it weren’t for Mike Masterson, my brother, my soldier in arms, the bromance of my lifetime, I’d be donning that ICE badge right now,” Josh Jonathon said. 

“Honestly, I’m not even gonna enroll. I’m just gonna report Josh.  to ICE” Mike Masterson said. “I need him to leave me the fuck alone. Bro’s obsessed with me, and frankly, it’s a little gay.” 

President Trump’s relentless crusade against elite private universities. The battle against “woke mind viruses” has left academic institutions scrambling. With tuition climbing and resources dwindling, some colleges have reluctantly complied. Others, like Bowdoin College, have chosen a different route: innovation.

On Monday, Bowdoin President Safa Zaki unveiled a bold new plan to reduce tuition through reimagining one of the college’s distinct products: first-year orientation trips. 

Beginning in 2026, incoming students will no longer endure mosquito-infested woods and daily oatmeal. Instead, they can purchase one of several Big Beautiful Orientation Packages, ranging from $11,500 to $450,000. 

The crown jewel of the program is the Beyond Bowdoin Package, which gives students a chance to explore NASA through a critical lens, working with QAnon to unveil the truth behind the supposed moon landings of the Apollo crews. 

Other curated options include:

• The Helping Hands Package– funded by an anonymous close friend of Trump’s, students will travel to the island of Little St. James to learn how to give 5-star massages. Hockey players and gap-year students need not apply. 
• The Pre-Med Acceleration Package– a $35,000 package featuring hands-on instruction from the United State’s Secretary of the Department of Health and Human Services and participation in his Make America Healthy Again Movement. 
• The International Perspectives Package– for $62,500, students enjoy high tea with King Charles III, receive a limited-edition Royal Dorm Crest robe, and live in Buckingham Palace’s East Wing for seven days. 
• The Be Bold Package– this Hollywood immersion trip tasks students with producing a full-length feature film starring Megan Fox, Margot Robbie, and Pedro Pascal. 

“No service, no smells, no fuss. Just luxury,” says Zaki. 

After all, what better way to prepare for four years of liberal arts education in rural Maine?