Category: Bowdoin

All, Bowdoin

President Zaki Plans for “Exclusive” Orientation Trips in 2026

President Trump’s relentless crusade against elite private universities. The battle against “woke mind viruses” has left academic institutions scrambling. With tuition climbing and resources dwindling, some colleges have reluctantly complied. Others, like Bowdoin College, have chosen a different route: innovation.

On Monday, Bowdoin President Safa Zaki unveiled a bold new plan to reduce tuition through reimagining one of the college’s distinct products: first-year orientation trips. 

Beginning in 2026, incoming students will no longer endure mosquito-infested woods and daily oatmeal. Instead, they can purchase one of several Big Beautiful Orientation Packages, ranging from $11,500 to $450,000. 

The crown jewel of the program is the Beyond Bowdoin Package, which gives students a chance to explore NASA through a critical lens, working with QAnon to unveil the truth behind the supposed moon landings of the Apollo crews. 

Other curated options include:

  • The Helping Hands Package– funded by an anonymous close friend of Trump’s, students will travel to the island of Little St. James to learn how to give 5-star massages. Hockey players and gap-year students need not apply. 
  • The Pre-Med Acceleration Package– a $35,000 package featuring hands-on instruction from the United State’s Secretary of the Department of Health and Human Services and participation in his Make America Healthy Again Movement. 
  • The International Perspectives Package– for $62,500, students enjoy high tea with King Charles III, receive a limited-edition Royal Dorm Crest robe, and live in Buckingham Palace’s East Wing for seven days. 
  • The Be Bold Package– this Hollywood immersion trip tasks students with producing a full-length feature film starring Megan Fox, Margot Robbie, and Pedro Pascal. 

“No service, no smells, no fuss. Just luxury,” says Zaki. 

After all, what better way to prepare for four years of liberal arts education in rural Maine?

Bowdoin, Op-Ed

Opinion: Lobster Tastes Better Without the Shell

A new wave is coming–some say a new order. Last June, we gathered in Central Park. Our goal was the avocado. Two years ago, 23 of us were killed by the Sharlac forces in Wisconsin while fighting to liberate the peach. Now, following the death of Cora the Destroyer, we need a new stand. The regime is weak and old. The Sharlac Premier Sbovdn cannot contain the movement we are building. Crack by crack, the dam will break. Lobster is our next target. 

The Sharlacs have forced us to ingest shell after shell along with the tender meat of our crustaceans for long enough. We will not suffer any further. The lobster’s meat is delicate, it is soft, and it is fibrous. The Sharlacs, resting in Carthapian Fortresses, know this and choose to make us suffer. We are destroying ourselves by consuming keratin and razor sharp shards and they are laughing.

Like Tantalus or the Danaïdes we will never be able to appreciate that which is most delicious. But we will triumph as we have triumphed before. Just as we no longer have to eat the brown bulbs of the avocado or the grainy pits of the peach there will come a day when we no longer have to eat lobster with the shell on. That day will come soon. For now, spread the word: lobster tastes better without the shell. 

All, Bowdoin, Op-Ed

Vanilla Ice Cream is Good

By That Guy That Repeats Your Points in Class

I think that 99% of my opinions are really interesting. I also agree with all of them which is part of what makes them so interesting. They’re also just niche. I play by my own rules and I think very originally. You can’t put me in a box. I flow my own flow. 

I think part of it is just that I’m more interesting and better than most people and that I have such a unique, innovative, intelligent mind. That’s why I almost exclusively write op-eds: people need my voice. 

My take is that vanilla ice cream is pretty good. I’m a fan. It makes me feel safe and powerful: no surprises, no bullshit. Especially Kroger brand. It’s like having sex with my girlfriend. We keep it classic. I mount her, she’s under me, my joystick into her, you know how it goes. She loves it. I haven’t asked her, but every once in a while she makes some noise. She takes it upon herself to keep going with her vibrator every single time. She doesn’t even need me for it, that’s how good the dick is. 

Anyway, vanilla ice cream is like that. It’s good man. So good, I usually have something else after.  

All, Bowdoin, Miscellaneous

Alert! Your Girlfriend’s Birthday Was Yesterday

BRUNSWICK, ME–I realized something was off with my girlfriend on a weekend trip to Canada with the boys. While I was getting crunked on the streets of Montreal with the boys, my girlfriend’s disposition became noticeably different. She was upset and frustrated and it almost seemed like my drunk calls at 1am from the streets of Montreal were not only not making her feel better, but actually making her feel worse. I could not figure out what was happening and everytime I asked she responded with “I’m fine” which seemed to be pretty conclusive evidence that she was totally okay. Yet finally I figured it out–she told me that I had gone to Montreal to get ham-sauced with the boys on her 20th birthday. 

Continue reading “Alert! Your Girlfriend’s Birthday Was Yesterday” →
All, Bowdoin, Miscellaneous

Bowdoin Appoints Dean of Dean of Dean of Students 

On Tuesday, President Zaki announced that Bowdoin would be creating a new and important position at the college: the Dean of Dean of Dean of Students. In her email, President Zaki explained that “this position will help our Dean of Dean of Students supply specific and broad support to the Dean of Students.”

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All, Bowdoin, Miscellaneous, U.S.

I Had Phone Sex With My Alumni Connection 

After a year of telling my parents that my Gender, Sexuality, and Women’s Studies major would lead to job prospects it was finally time to tap into the illustrious Bowdoin alumni network at Sophomore Bootcamp. I immediately felt out of place as my finance bro friends regaled me with stories of snorting lines and doing time in minimum security prisons with their alumni connections. I felt lost, searching for a connection that would appreciate feminist literature as much as I do (6’ 3” btw). 

Continue reading “I Had Phone Sex With My Alumni Connection “ →