By HUGO HENTOFF Mar. 2, 2017

Local Dentist Sharron Broner has become extremely popular with male clients throughout Maine after it became known that she can fit her entire fist in her patients’ mouth.

“Knowing your dentist can get her whole clenched hand into your gob is so freaking hot,” said Jeremy Adams, one of her patients. “I get my teeth cleaned every week now. At first I thought there just wasn’t enough room in my face hole for all of those fingers, but goddammit she made room.”

Adams continued, “The only uncomfortable part is when she asks you questions while she’s wrist deep in your throat. I mean, how am I supposed to answer those? There’s no way she can understand what I’m saying while my mouth is full of her sexy fist. It’s a little awkward, but I think it’s a habit that all dentists have.”

In an effort to increase revenue, Broner has started offering select patients gloveless examinations for an additional cost. One client commented, “It’s so much better without that gross latex separating her fist from my tongue cave.”

By JACOB BASKES Feb. 28, 2017

Without a significant other to spend his time with, area man Eric Allen has been spending his nights alone in bed doing what any other single man would do — furiously mastering Sudoku.

While men in relationships often spend their nights becoming intimate with their partners, single men like Allen typically resort to activities that they can do alone, such as mastering Sudoku with a vigor that would shock anyone who would have happened to witness him. Allen has assured his family and friends that this is, “just a phase,” and that once his love life takes a turn, his mastering of Sudoku will become less furious and far less frequent.

Critics have argued that repeatedly practicing Sudoku could lead to unrealistic expectations for other puzzles, such as crosswords and word searches. Despite claiming to practice nightly and for hours on end, Allen has rebuffed suggestions that he should cut back. “Besides,” he added, “I usually finish my puzzles pretty quickly, giving me just enough time to masturbate.”

By CHRISTIAN FILTER Feb. 20, 2017

After the historic comeback in Super Bowl 51, New England super-fan and Boston native Brian O’Flanagan says the high of victory has worn off and has realized that human life is still inherently meaningless.

“I was super pumped when the Pats won the Super Bowl,” said O’Flanagan. “But now I’m back to spending my time grappling with mortality and pondering the insignificance of human life. We’re all just so small in a universe that’s so, so big.”

 
O’Flanagan said that directly after the Super Bowl, all he could think about was Edelman’s catch and Tom Brady’s piercing baby blue eyes, but recently has been unable to do anything but face the inescapable loneliness and alienation he feels are intrinsic to the human condition.

By HUGO HENTOFF Feb. 8, 2017

Local man Christopher Johnston was rushed to the intensive care unit at Mid Coast Hospital last night after suffering a severe heart attack. Members of his family are nervously pacing outside his room while waiting for updates on his condition, but are finding comfort in the fact that they are at least getting their steps in.

“I’m so worried about Chris that I just can’t sit still,” said Johnston’s wife, Judy. “On the plus side though, I’ve already passed my 10,000-step fitbit goal. My calves are going to look amazing, which is my only solace in this distressing time.”

Stephen, Johnston’s son, wishes he had spent more time with his father before the heart attack. “I should have tried to bond more with dad,” he said while jogging in place. “We could have gone on walks around the neighborhood and really gotten to know each other. I just hope the stairway to heaven has at least 10,000 steps.”

Doctors say that Johnston likely won’t live through the night, dying just 300 steps short of 10,000.

By HUGO HENTOFF Feb. 4, 2017

Special little fancy boy James Cunningham wore his Brooks Brothers loafers to gym class again, marking the sixth consecutive time the la-di-da fourth grader refused to just put on sneakers like everyone else.

While the rest of Cunningham’s class played capture the flag, the ever-so-precious schoolboy romped around in his Italian leather shoes picking flowers and writing poetry.

“I do so enjoy play time,” said the dainty cherub boy while smelling a lilac he had brought from home. “Just last week I saw a butterfly. It flew quite close to me and I got frightened and cried for schoolteacher. Mamma said my screams were very brave.”

Cunningham’s physical education instructor Coach McCoy says he has never seen anyone quite like the rosy-cheeked gift from God. “At first I tried to get James to play sports like the other kids, but he kept screaming whenever he got his loafers scuffed. I knew he was a lost cause when he came into class wearing khakis and a teal cardigan.”

While the itty-bitty snowflake child has difficulties in gym class, he excels in other sports such as calligraphy and stamp collecting.

By JACK ARNHOLZ Dec 9, 2016

Brunswick stoner Ed Shore is unsure whether he voted for Harambe or Jill Stein in the recent presidential election; however, he says it is funny either way. “You see, man, I got inside the booth-thing and I know I voted for someone,” said Shore, “I’m just not sure who.”

“I mean, the Jill Stein circle was so close to where I might have written in Harambe, so who really knows, man?” Shore continued. When asked if he felt ashamed, Shore said, “Definitely not. It’s hilarious. Harambe is a dead gorilla! Imagine him as president! It’s almost as funny as Jill Stein.”

When asked why he found Jill Stein’s candidacy funny, Shore said, “I mean, she helped a man who goes against everything she believes in get into office. Well, I think they are both anti-vaxers, so I guess not quite everything.”

By PAUL GARLICK Dec. 6, 2016

After a week of unusual weather, the number of Brunswick residents experiencing blackouts has increased to nearly 87%.

When asked why so many people have taken to drinking to get through these power outages, one of the inebriated patrons, Jan Locust, said, “I gotta grap and frob or Walmart cause the bear needs me.” Another resident, seven-year-old Dan Long, was asked the same question multiple times but would not get up from his position, face first in his own vomit, to comment.

The Brunswick Police Department has released a statement that they are doing their best to quickly and efficiently restore power and sobriety to Brunswick but have no timetable because they too are experiencing uncommonly high rates of blackouts.

By HUGO HENTOFF Nov. 18, 2016

Local loose cannon cop Henry Steele has ruffled a few feathers by once again playing by his own rules and not harassing people of color.

“Steele gets the job done, but he does it his own way,” said Commander John Lawson. “I may not agree with his methods of not using excessive force while dealing with unarmed black teens, but God dammit I respect him.”

“I don’t do it by the book,” said Steele. “Yeah, sometimes I don’t follow orders. Sometimes I cause a little chaos. Sometimes I don’t profile people based on race. But you know what? I get results, and that’s what matters.”

By HUGO HENTOFF Nov. 3, 2016

Local teen Tyler Silver has saved up enough money to purchase a pre-owned Honda Odyssey. The minivan is reportedly a total fuck wagon.

“Honestly, I can’t think of Tyler’s car without getting wet,” said Martha Farley, Silver’s calculus teacher. “Last week I saw him parallel park that thing. The car was so big and that space was so God damn tight. It was like I was hiding Niagara Falls in my panties.”

“It’s not always easy driving a car that’s such a bone machine,” said Silver. “Every once in a while I’d like to just cruise into the Trader Joe’s parking lot without girls shoving their breasts against my windshield. It’s hard to balance friends, homework, and the unending onslaught of pussy that is the inevitable consequence of driving a 2005 Honda Odyssey”

Honda CEO Takahiro Hachigo regrets not warning customers of the overwhelming sexual magnetism of the Odyssey. “We could not have foreseen the sheer sexiness of this car. Individually, of course, the automatic sliding doors are erotic, the built in DVD player is hot, and the ample leg room would get anyone worked up, but by combining all of these amazing features into one fuel efficient minivan, we’ve created a vehicle that taps into something primal, something that, frankly, can’t be controlled.”

By HUGO HENTOFF Oct. 25, 2016

Local preschool teacher Karen Simon has been frequently referencing the time she fucked a member of The Wiggles to her class.

“She keeps namedropping Jeff, the sleepy one, during class,” said Timothy Richards, a student in Simon’s class. “It’s not even subtle. Like last week, she was reading us The Very Hungry Caterpillar and then out of nowhere she starts describing in graphic detail the time Jeff fucked her in his big red car. I mean, someone should do something about this, right? I’m only five and I’m one of the older kids in my class.”

Simon reportedly joked during snack time that the children’s musician had certainly tossed her fruit salad, stating that it was, “yummy yummy.”

“We weren’t even eating fruit salad,” said Richards. “We were having Teddy Grams and string cheese.”