Category: Maine

Infant Child of Single Mother Lacks Object Permanence, Dad

By JACOB BASKES Mar. 28, 2017

A psychological examination confirmed today that the infant child of single mother Martha Gether lacks both object permanence and a father.

“Our research has shown,” said one of the psychologists working on the case study, “that the child in question has neither the ability to remember the presence of objects when they are not visible, nor a father.” The study involved many hours of testing and recording the baby’s responses to different stimuli, and many nights spent waiting to see if his father would ever come home.

Ethics officials called the study, “unnecessary,” noting that children do not typically develop object permanence until about eight or nine months, and that the mother is very active on both Match.com and Tinder.

Sausage Industry Overwhelmingly Male

By SEBASTIAN HERNANDEZ Mar. 9, 2017

A recent poll has found that 9 out of 10 employees at any given sausage company are male.

“This is just ridiculous,” said Oscar Mayer, a spokesperson for the sausage industry. “In all my years working in the bratwurst biz, I have noticed slightly more men than women, but these numbers are shocking. Women, in my experience are definitely more adept at handling sausage.

In an effort to pursue equal employment, Oscar Mayer has announced that all sausage plants will now start producing muffins.

Stoner Tries to Time Travel, Gets Stuck in the Moment

By PAUL GARLICK Mar. 3, 2017

Local stoner Bud Baker has become the first ever person to successfully time travel. Unfortunately, he was unable to return after becoming stuck in moment.

 Todd Toker, Baker’s closest friend and smoking partner, said, “Man, it was like, Bud was there, and then, it was like, he wasn’t there, and then, he texted me later like, ‘Woah dude. I’m totally, seriously just like floating in the moment dude, it’s like everything’s just frozen in the now.’ And I totally responded like, ‘Woah dude……… coooool.’”

In response to the incident, the United States has assembled a task force of the country’s most renowned physicists in an attempt to successfully bring Bud back to the present. The leader of the team stated, “We honestly have no damn clue how this guy figured out how to time travel. Many of our men have been conducting extensive research for decades, and none of them have even come close to cracking the secret of time travel. It’s mind-blowing. He’s most likely stuck in the moment for good. I guess that’s what he gets for doing those damn hippy drugs.”

When asked about the incident, Baker’s mother said she would miss her son, but is glad he isn’t around to steal her pot anymore.

Hot Dentist Can Fit Whole Fist in Your Mouth

By HUGO HENTOFF Mar. 2, 2017

Local Dentist Sharron Broner has become extremely popular with male clients throughout Maine after it became known that she can fit her entire fist in her patients’ mouth.

“Knowing your dentist can get her whole clenched hand into your gob is so freaking hot,” said Jeremy Adams, one of her patients. “I get my teeth cleaned every week now. At first I thought there just wasn’t enough room in my face hole for all of those fingers, but goddammit she made room.”hot-dentist

Adams continued, “The only uncomfortable part is when she asks you questions while she’s wrist deep in your throat. I mean, how am I supposed to answer those? There’s no way she can understand what I’m saying while my mouth is full of her sexy fist. It’s a little awkward, but I think it’s a habit that all dentists have.”

In an effort to increase revenue, Broner has started offering select patients gloveless examinations for an additional cost. One client commented, “It’s so much better without that gross latex separating her fist from my tongue cave.”

 

Single Man Spends Nights Alone Furiously Mastering Sudoku

By JACOB BASKES Feb. 28, 2017

Without a significant other to spend his time with, area man Eric Allen has been spending his nights alone in bed doing what any other single man would do — furiously mastering Sudoku.

While men in relationships often spend their nights becoming intimate with their partners, single men like Allen typically resort to activities that they can do alone, such as mastering Sudoku with a vigor that would shock anyone who would have happened to witness him. Allen has assured his family and friends that this is, “just a phase,” and that once his love life takes a turn, his mastering of Sudoku will become less furious and far less frequent.

Critics have argued that repeatedly practicing Sudoku could lead to unrealistic expectations for other puzzles, such as crosswords and word searches. Despite claiming to practice nightly and for hours on end, Allen has rebuffed suggestions that he should cut back. “Besides,” he added, “I usually finish my puzzles pretty quickly, giving me just enough time to masturbate.”

Following Super Bowl, Patriots Fan Realizes Life Still Devoid of Meaning

By CHRISTIAN FILTER Feb. 20, 2017

After the historic comeback in Super Bowl 51, New England super-fan and Boston native Brian O’Flanagan says the high of victory has worn off and has realized that human life is still inherently meaningless.

“I was super pumped when the Pats won the Super Bowl,” said O’Flanagan. “But now I’m back to spending my time grappling with mortality and pondering the insignificance of human life. We’re all just so small in a universe that’s so, so big.”

 
O’Flanagan said that directly after the Super Bowl, all he could think about was Edelman’s catch and Tom Brady’s piercing baby blue eyes, but recently has been unable to do anything but face the inescapable loneliness and alienation he feels are intrinsic to the human condition.

Family Pacing Outside ICU at Least Getting Their Steps In

By HUGO HENTOFF Feb. 8, 2017

Local man Christopher Johnston was rushed to the intensive care unit at Mid Coast Hospital last night after suffering a severe heart attack. Members of his family are nervously pacing outside his room while waiting for updates on his condition, but are finding comfort in the fact that they are at least getting their steps in.

“I’m so worried about Chris that I just can’t sit still,” said Johnston’s wife, Judy. “On the plus side though, I’ve already passed my 10,000-step fitbit goal. My calves are going to look amazing, which is my only solace in this distressing time.”

Stephen, Johnston’s son, wishes he had spent more time with his father before the heart attack. “I should have tried to bond more with dad,” he said while jogging in place. “We could have gone on walks around the neighborhood and really gotten to know each other. I just hope the stairway to heaven has at least 10,000 steps.”

Doctors say that Johnston likely won’t live through the night, dying just 300 steps short of 10,000.

 

Special Little Fancy Boy Wearing Loafers in Gym Again

By HUGO HENTOFF Feb. 4, 2017

Special little fancy boy James Cunningham wore his Brooks Brothers loafers to gym class again, marking the sixth consecutive time the la-di-da fourth grader refused to just put on sneakers like everyone else.

While the rest of Cunningham’s class played capture the flag, the ever-so-precious schoolboy romped around in his Italian leather shoes picking flowers and writing poetry.

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Cunningham took this photo to showcase “the follies of labor”

“I do so enjoy play time,” said the dainty cherub boy while smelling a lilac he had brought from home. “Just last week I saw a butterfly. It flew quite close to me and I got frightened and cried for schoolteacher. Mamma said my screams were very brave.”

Cunningham’s physical education instructor Coach McCoy says he has never seen anyone quite like the rosy-cheeked gift from God. “At first I tried to get James to play sports like the other kids, but he kept screaming whenever he got his loafers scuffed. I knew he was a lost cause when he came into class wearing khakis and a teal cardigan.”

While the itty-bitty snowflake child has difficulties in gym class, he excels in other sports such as calligraphy and stamp collecting.

Stoner Can’t Remember If He Voted For Harambe or Jill Stein, Thinks It’s Funny Either Way

By JACK ARNHOLZ Dec 9, 2016

Brunswick stoner Ed Shore is unsure whether he voted for Harambe or Jill Stein in the recent presidential election; however, he says it is funny either way. “You see, man, I got inside the booth-thing and I know I voted for someone,” said Shore, “I’m just not sure who.”

“I mean, the Jill Stein circle was so close to where I might have written in Harambe, so who really knows, man?” Shore continued. When asked if he felt ashamed, Shore said, “Definitely not. It’s hilarious. Harambe is a dead gorilla! Imagine him as president! It’s almost as funny as Jill Stein.”

When asked why he found Jill Stein’s candidacy funny, Shore said, “I mean, she helped a man who goes against everything she believes in get into office. Well, I think they are both anti-vaxers, so I guess not quite everything.”

 

Number of Reported Blackouts Drastically Increasing Across Brunswick, Maine

By PAUL GARLICK Dec. 6, 2016

After a week of unusual weather, the number of Brunswick residents experiencing blackouts has increased to nearly 87%.

When asked why so many people have taken to drinking to get through these power outages, one of the inebriated patrons, Jan Locust, said, “I gotta grap and frob or Walmart cause the bear needs me.” Another resident, seven-year-old Dan Long, was asked the same question multiple times but would not get up from his position, face first in his own vomit, to comment.

The Brunswick Police Department has released a statement that they are doing their best to quickly and efficiently restore power and sobriety to Brunswick but have no timetable because they too are experiencing uncommonly high rates of blackouts.