Category: Maine

Family Pacing Outside ICU at Least Getting Their Steps In

By HUGO HENTOFF Feb. 8, 2017

Local man Christopher Johnston was rushed to the intensive care unit at Mid Coast Hospital last night after suffering a severe heart attack. Members of his family are nervously pacing outside his room while waiting for updates on his condition, but are finding comfort in the fact that they are at least getting their steps in.

“I’m so worried about Chris that I just can’t sit still,” said Johnston’s wife, Judy. “On the plus side though, I’ve already passed my 10,000-step fitbit goal. My calves are going to look amazing, which is my only solace in this distressing time.”

Stephen, Johnston’s son, wishes he had spent more time with his father before the heart attack. “I should have tried to bond more with dad,” he said while jogging in place. “We could have gone on walks around the neighborhood and really gotten to know each other. I just hope the stairway to heaven has at least 10,000 steps.”

Doctors say that Johnston likely won’t live through the night, dying just 300 steps short of 10,000.

 

Special Little Fancy Boy Wearing Loafers in Gym Again

By HUGO HENTOFF Feb. 4, 2017

Special little fancy boy James Cunningham wore his Brooks Brothers loafers to gym class again, marking the sixth consecutive time the la-di-da fourth grader refused to just put on sneakers like everyone else.

While the rest of Cunningham’s class played capture the flag, the ever-so-precious schoolboy romped around in his Italian leather shoes picking flowers and writing poetry.

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Cunningham took this photo to showcase “the follies of labor”

“I do so enjoy play time,” said the dainty cherub boy while smelling a lilac he had brought from home. “Just last week I saw a butterfly. It flew quite close to me and I got frightened and cried for schoolteacher. Mamma said my screams were very brave.”

Cunningham’s physical education instructor Coach McCoy says he has never seen anyone quite like the rosy-cheeked gift from God. “At first I tried to get James to play sports like the other kids, but he kept screaming whenever he got his loafers scuffed. I knew he was a lost cause when he came into class wearing khakis and a teal cardigan.”

While the itty-bitty snowflake child has difficulties in gym class, he excels in other sports such as calligraphy and stamp collecting.

Stoner Can’t Remember If He Voted For Harambe or Jill Stein, Thinks It’s Funny Either Way

By JACK ARNHOLZ Dec 9, 2016

Brunswick stoner Ed Shore is unsure whether he voted for Harambe or Jill Stein in the recent presidential election; however, he says it is funny either way. “You see, man, I got inside the booth-thing and I know I voted for someone,” said Shore, “I’m just not sure who.”

“I mean, the Jill Stein circle was so close to where I might have written in Harambe, so who really knows, man?” Shore continued. When asked if he felt ashamed, Shore said, “Definitely not. It’s hilarious. Harambe is a dead gorilla! Imagine him as president! It’s almost as funny as Jill Stein.”

When asked why he found Jill Stein’s candidacy funny, Shore said, “I mean, she helped a man who goes against everything she believes in get into office. Well, I think they are both anti-vaxers, so I guess not quite everything.”

 

Number of Reported Blackouts Drastically Increasing Across Brunswick, Maine

By PAUL GARLICK Dec. 6, 2016

After a week of unusual weather, the number of Brunswick residents experiencing blackouts has increased to nearly 87%.

When asked why so many people have taken to drinking to get through these power outages, one of the inebriated patrons, Jan Locust, said, “I gotta grap and frob or Walmart cause the bear needs me.” Another resident, seven-year-old Dan Long, was asked the same question multiple times but would not get up from his position, face first in his own vomit, to comment.

The Brunswick Police Department has released a statement that they are doing their best to quickly and efficiently restore power and sobriety to Brunswick but have no timetable because they too are experiencing uncommonly high rates of blackouts.

Loose Cannon Cop Plays By His Own Rules, Doesn’t Harass Minorities

By HUGO HENTOFF Nov. 18, 2016

Local loose cannon cop Henry Steele has ruffled a few feathers by once again playing by his own rules and not harassing people of color.

“Steele gets the job done, but he does it his own way,” said Commander John Lawson. “I may not agree with his methods of not using excessive force while dealing with unarmed black teens, but God dammit I respect him.”

“I don’t do it by the book,” said Steele. “Yeah, sometimes I don’t follow orders. Sometimes I cause a little chaos. Sometimes I don’t profile people based on race. But you know what? I get results, and that’s what matters.”

 

 

Teen’s Pre-Owned Honda Odyssey Total Fuck Wagon

By HUGO HENTOFF Nov. 3, 2016

Local teen Tyler Silver has saved up enough money to purchase a pre-owned Honda Odyssey. The minivan is reportedly a total fuck wagon.

“Honestly, I can’t think of Tyler’s car without getting wet,” said Martha Farley, Silver’s calculus teacher. “Last week I saw him parallel park that thing. The car was so big and that space was so God damn tight. It was like I was hiding Niagara Falls in my panties.”

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While “Fuck Truck” is a more accurate name for the vehicle, Honda executives felt “Odyssey” would play better with consumers

“It’s not always easy driving a car that’s such a bone machine,” said Silver. “Every once in a while I’d like to just cruise into the Trader Joe’s parking lot without girls shoving their breasts against my windshield. It’s hard to balance friends, homework, and the unending onslaught of pussy that is the inevitable consequence of driving a 2005 Honda Odyssey”

Honda CEO Takahiro Hachigo regrets not warning customers of the overwhelming sexual magnetism of the Odyssey. “We could not have foreseen the sheer sexiness of this car. Individually, of course, the automatic sliding doors are erotic, the built in DVD player is hot, and the ample leg room would get anyone worked up, but by combining all of these amazing features into one fuel efficient minivan, we’ve created a vehicle that taps into something primal, something that, frankly, can’t be controlled.”

Preschool Teacher Keeps Name-Dropping Wiggle She Fucked

By HUGO HENTOFF Oct. 25, 2016

preschool-teacher

Local preschool teacher Karen Simon has been frequently referencing the time she fucked a member of The Wiggles to her class.

“She keeps namedropping Jeff, the sleepy one, during class,” said Timothy Richards, a student in Simon’s class. “It’s not even subtle. Like last week, she was reading us The Very Hungry Caterpillar and then out of nowhere she starts describing in graphic detail the time Jeff fucked her in his big red car. I mean, someone should do something about this, right? I’m only five and I’m one of the older kids in my class.”

Simon reportedly joked during snack time that the children’s musician had certainly tossed her fruit salad, stating that it was, “yummy yummy.”

“We weren’t even eating fruit salad,” said Richards. “We were having Teddy Grams and string cheese.”

 

Considerate Man Invites All Subway Patrons Into His Conversation

By ETHAN BEVINGTON May 16, 201

Matthew Rogers, an aspiring DJ in Brooklyn, recently displayed incredible understanding of the nuances of manners, and invited all other subway riders into his phone conversation.

“I just didn’t want anyone to feel left out,” said Rogers. “Back in high school people would exclude me from things because I was too good looking and my biceps were too big and stuff like that. I didn’t want to make anyone on the subway feel like that.”

“What he did was very thoughtful,” said one passenger. “I would have had to strain to hear him if he would’ve spoken quietly. Instead, Matthew shouted so no one had to put in any effort to be involved in his personal phone call.”

“Taking care of my conversation outside or at a low volume would just betray everything I stand for. Everyone would totally want to hear me talk to my boy Chad about our plans this weekend.”

Rumors are circulating that Matthew will put his conversation on speaker next time so both ends of the call can be heard clearly.

 

Two Men Kissing “Totally Gay,” Says Factually Accurate 13-Year-Old

By HUGO HENTOFF April 25, 2016

13-Year-Old Brandon Wheeler accurately discerned last week that his classmate’s fathers kissing was “totally gay.”

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            An artist’s representation of Smith-Tenley’s parents

When Charlie Smith-Tenley’s fathers picked him up from school they appeared to embrace and then kiss each other on the lips. After hours of debate, the scientific community has come to the consensus that the interaction was unequivocally homosexual in nature.

Wheeler, after his astute observation on Smith-Tenley’s parents, then made the again accurate assertion that a classmate in a wheelchair was “completely lame.”

Amazing! Man Finds True Love in Ditch

By JACK ARNHOLZ April 17, 2016

Local man Caleb Washington is celebrating his two-week anniversary of finding his true love in a ditch.

“It was incredible,” said Mr. Washington, describing the moment he fell in love with the cadaver. “I pulled over on the interstate outside of Sheboygan to take a leak, and I fell over and saw Monica. So pale. So stiff. So beautiful. She reminded me of my mother.” The ditch, located twenty feet away from the highway, is just over six inches deep. “I yelled, ‘Monica, what are you doing here? I thought you were in Tallahassee,’ but she just laughed. Well, she didn’t laugh exactly. Rain water just spewed out of her mouth.”

True Love Ditch
                                    Illustrated by Blanche Froelich

Police, who have identified the cadaver as Courtney Mott, suspect she had remained in the shallow ditch, unnoticed, for months. Mr. Washington chuckled when he heard the police report. “They say she’s been there since October, which is just like Monica. She always does crazy things like that. Like two days ago, when we were having a staring contest, a maggot crawled out of her eyeball. Gosh, Monica is just so silly.”

Mr. Washington plans on marrying Courtney Mott’s cadaver in early summer. “Monica’s always wanted a June wedding,” he said. The nuptial plans have been put on hold for the moment, however, as Sheboygan police have taken Mr. Washington in for further questioning.