Category: Maine

Brunswick Fire Department Receives Report of Actual Fire

By ETHAN BEVINGTON April 11, 2016

House-on-Fire-lowIn a rare occurrence, the Brunswick Fire Department responded to a call about an actual fire in town last Thursday night.

“We generally are not confronted with these sorts of situations,” said one fireman with the department. “We typically spend a great deal of time perfecting our technique for sliding down the pole to get to the engines, so as to optimize speed.”

Not used to receiving reports of actual fire, the Brunswick Fire Department Chief called the burning home back twice to confirm that it was not a prank call. “You just never know with kids these days,” the chief said. “Sometimes they’re joking about a non-existent fire, and sometimes they’re burning to death.”

The firefighters were slow to arrive on the scene, citing an empty gas tank and a few misplaced helmets as their main obstacles. The team also stopped at 7-11 beforehand to acquire the nutritious snacks and energizing beverages needed to fight fire.

Forty-three minutes after receiving the 9-1-1 call, the Brunswick firefighters drove to the address they were given, only to discover they were, in fact, pranked. “There was no burning house,” said one firefighter. “There wasn’t even a house. There was just an empty lot filled with ash, smoldering coals, and a few charred skeletons. It’s infuriating that someone would waste our time like this.”


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Motivational Poster Inspires Serial Killer to Strike Again

By HUGO HENTOFF April 10th, 2016

Ryan Anderson murdered his fifteenth victim last Saturday, making him the most prolific serial killer in Maine’s history. Anderson attributes his record-breaking homicide to the motivational poster hanging in his basement.

“After I had dismembered the sixth blond woman who looked vaguely like my mother, I was exhausted,” said Anderson. “I didn’t think I could keep going. Then, as I was washing large intestine off of me, I saw that poster. I thought to myself, ‘If that cat can keep hanging on, then I sure as heck can keep making skin suits out of Caucasian women.’”

Motivational Poster
            Anderson’s Inspirational Poster

Poster Palace Incorporated, the maker of Anderson’s motivational poster, has been attempting to distance itself from the serial killer. “Poster Palace Incorporated does not condone mass murder,” said one executive. “Poster Palace Incorporated would like to extend its condolences to the families of the victims of Ryan Anderson. Poster Palace Incorporated has always inspired individuals through motivational posters, but it acknowledges the inherent risk in not knowing what the individuals are being inspired to do.”

To avoid further misuse of their motivation, Poster Palace Incorporated has opted to change its slogan, which know reads, “Poster Palace Incorporated: Inspiring Americans to Follow Their Non-Murder Related Dreams Since 1917.”

Lassie’s Barks Ignored, Thought to be Hunger Related — Timmy Found Dead in Well, Days Later

By HUGO HENTOFF Feb. 5, 2016

Neighborhood boy, Timmy Martin, was playing near an abandoned well when he fell in, unable to get out. Lassie, the beloved collie who has saved the day countless times, witnessed the incident and rushed home to warn her owners, the Stevenson family. The Stevensons ignored Lassie’s barking, believing it to be hunger related. When she persisted, they threw her into her crate for the night.

Lassie pictured with the deceased

A search team eventually discovered Timmy, but, without Lassie’s help, they were too late. “If only someone could have led us to that well, we could have saved that little boy” said Police Chief Richards.

When asked if Timmy suffered, Richards said, “Definitely. Both legs were broken from the fall and three of his ribs were shattered. Unfortunately, his head was uninjured, so he was completely conscious during his four days of agony in that well. Claw marks were found on the walls, but we suspect he stopped trying to escape once his fingers became the bloody stumps they are now.”

Lassie has neglected to comment, but speculators believe she does not feel like a “good dog.”