Category: Maine

Preschool Teacher Keeps Name-Dropping Wiggle She Fucked

By HUGO HENTOFF Oct. 25, 2016


Local preschool teacher Karen Simon has been frequently referencing the time she fucked a member of The Wiggles to her class.

“She keeps namedropping Jeff, the sleepy one, during class,” said Timothy Richards, a student in Simon’s class. “It’s not even subtle. Like last week, she was reading us The Very Hungry Caterpillar and then out of nowhere she starts describing in graphic detail the time Jeff fucked her in his big red car. I mean, someone should do something about this, right? I’m only five and I’m one of the older kids in my class.”

Simon reportedly joked during snack time that the children’s musician had certainly tossed her fruit salad, stating that it was, “yummy yummy.”

“We weren’t even eating fruit salad,” said Richards. “We were having Teddy Grams and string cheese.”


Considerate Man Invites All Subway Patrons Into His Conversation


Matthew Rogers, an aspiring DJ in Brooklyn, recently displayed incredible understanding of the nuances of manners, and invited all other subway riders into his phone conversation.

“I just didn’t want anyone to feel left out,” said Rogers. “Back in high school people would exclude me from things because I was too good looking and my biceps were too big and stuff like that. I didn’t want to make anyone on the subway feel like that.”

“What he did was very thoughtful,” said one passenger. “I would have had to strain to hear him if he would’ve spoken quietly. Instead, Matthew shouted so no one had to put in any effort to be involved in his personal phone call.”

“Taking care of my conversation outside or at a low volume would just betray everything I stand for. Everyone would totally want to hear me talk to my boy Chad about our plans this weekend.”

Rumors are circulating that Matthew will put his conversation on speaker next time so both ends of the call can be heard clearly.


Two Men Kissing “Totally Gay,” Says Factually Accurate 13-Year-Old

By HUGO HENTOFF April 25, 2016

13-Year-Old Brandon Wheeler accurately discerned last week that his classmate’s fathers kissing was “totally gay.”

            An artist’s representation of Smith-Tenley’s parents

When Charlie Smith-Tenley’s fathers picked him up from school they appeared to embrace and then kiss each other on the lips. After hours of debate, the scientific community has come to the consensus that the interaction was unequivocally homosexual in nature.

Wheeler, after his astute observation on Smith-Tenley’s parents, then made the again accurate assertion that a classmate in a wheelchair was “completely lame.”

Amazing! Man Finds True Love in Ditch

By JACK ARNHOLZ April 17, 2016

Local man Caleb Washington is celebrating his two-week anniversary of finding his true love in a ditch.

“It was incredible,” said Mr. Washington, describing the moment he fell in love with the cadaver. “I pulled over on the interstate outside of Sheboygan to take a leak, and I fell over and saw Monica. So pale. So stiff. So beautiful. She reminded me of my mother.” The ditch, located twenty feet away from the highway, is just over six inches deep. “I yelled, ‘Monica, what are you doing here? I thought you were in Tallahassee,’ but she just laughed. Well, she didn’t laugh exactly. Rain water just spewed out of her mouth.”

True Love Ditch
                                    Illustrated by Blanche Froelich

Police, who have identified the cadaver as Courtney Mott, suspect she had remained in the shallow ditch, unnoticed, for months. Mr. Washington chuckled when he heard the police report. “They say she’s been there since October, which is just like Monica. She always does crazy things like that. Like two days ago, when we were having a staring contest, a maggot crawled out of her eyeball. Gosh, Monica is just so silly.”

Mr. Washington plans on marrying Courtney Mott’s cadaver in early summer. “Monica’s always wanted a June wedding,” he said. The nuptial plans have been put on hold for the moment, however, as Sheboygan police have taken Mr. Washington in for further questioning.

Brunswick Fire Department Receives Report of Actual Fire

By ETHAN BEVINGTON April 11, 2016

House-on-Fire-lowIn a rare occurrence, the Brunswick Fire Department responded to a call about an actual fire in town last Thursday night.

“We generally are not confronted with these sorts of situations,” said one fireman with the department. “We typically spend a great deal of time perfecting our technique for sliding down the pole to get to the engines, so as to optimize speed.”

Not used to receiving reports of actual fire, the Brunswick Fire Department Chief called the burning home back twice to confirm that it was not a prank call. “You just never know with kids these days,” the chief said. “Sometimes they’re joking about a non-existent fire, and sometimes they’re burning to death.”

The firefighters were slow to arrive on the scene, citing an empty gas tank and a few misplaced helmets as their main obstacles. The team also stopped at 7-11 beforehand to acquire the nutritious snacks and energizing beverages needed to fight fire.

Forty-three minutes after receiving the 9-1-1 call, the Brunswick firefighters drove to the address they were given, only to discover they were, in fact, pranked. “There was no burning house,” said one firefighter. “There wasn’t even a house. There was just an empty lot filled with ash, smoldering coals, and a few charred skeletons. It’s infuriating that someone would waste our time like this.”


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Motivational Poster Inspires Serial Killer to Strike Again

By HUGO HENTOFF April 10th, 2016

Ryan Anderson murdered his fifteenth victim last Saturday, making him the most prolific serial killer in Maine’s history. Anderson attributes his record-breaking homicide to the motivational poster hanging in his basement.

“After I had dismembered the sixth blond woman who looked vaguely like my mother, I was exhausted,” said Anderson. “I didn’t think I could keep going. Then, as I was washing large intestine off of me, I saw that poster. I thought to myself, ‘If that cat can keep hanging on, then I sure as heck can keep making skin suits out of Caucasian women.’”

Motivational Poster
            Anderson’s Inspirational Poster

Poster Palace Incorporated, the maker of Anderson’s motivational poster, has been attempting to distance itself from the serial killer. “Poster Palace Incorporated does not condone mass murder,” said one executive. “Poster Palace Incorporated would like to extend its condolences to the families of the victims of Ryan Anderson. Poster Palace Incorporated has always inspired individuals through motivational posters, but it acknowledges the inherent risk in not knowing what the individuals are being inspired to do.”

To avoid further misuse of their motivation, Poster Palace Incorporated has opted to change its slogan, which know reads, “Poster Palace Incorporated: Inspiring Americans to Follow Their Non-Murder Related Dreams Since 1917.”

Lassie’s Barks Ignored, Thought to be Hunger Related — Timmy Found Dead in Well, Days Later

By HUGO HENTOFF Feb. 5, 2016

Neighborhood boy, Timmy Martin, was playing near an abandoned well when he fell in, unable to get out. Lassie, the beloved collie who has saved the day countless times, witnessed the incident and rushed home to warn her owners, the Stevenson family. The Stevensons ignored Lassie’s barking, believing it to be hunger related. When she persisted, they threw her into her crate for the night.

Lassie pictured with the deceased

A search team eventually discovered Timmy, but, without Lassie’s help, they were too late. “If only someone could have led us to that well, we could have saved that little boy” said Police Chief Richards.

When asked if Timmy suffered, Richards said, “Definitely. Both legs were broken from the fall and three of his ribs were shattered. Unfortunately, his head was uninjured, so he was completely conscious during his four days of agony in that well. Claw marks were found on the walls, but we suspect he stopped trying to escape once his fingers became the bloody stumps they are now.”

Lassie has neglected to comment, but speculators believe she does not feel like a “good dog.”