By ETHAN BEVINGTON May 16, 201

Matthew Rogers, an aspiring DJ in Brooklyn, recently displayed incredible understanding of the nuances of manners, and invited all other subway riders into his phone conversation.

“I just didn’t want anyone to feel left out,” said Rogers. “Back in high school people would exclude me from things because I was too good looking and my biceps were too big and stuff like that. I didn’t want to make anyone on the subway feel like that.”

“What he did was very thoughtful,” said one passenger. “I would have had to strain to hear him if he would’ve spoken quietly. Instead, Matthew shouted so no one had to put in any effort to be involved in his personal phone call.”

“Taking care of my conversation outside or at a low volume would just betray everything I stand for. Everyone would totally want to hear me talk to my boy Chad about our plans this weekend.”

Rumors are circulating that Matthew will put his conversation on speaker next time so both ends of the call can be heard clearly.

By JACK ARNHOLZ April 17, 2016

Local man Caleb Washington is celebrating his two-week anniversary of finding his true love in a ditch.

“It was incredible,” said Mr. Washington, describing the moment he fell in love with the cadaver. “I pulled over on the interstate outside of Sheboygan to take a leak, and I fell over and saw Monica. So pale. So stiff. So beautiful. She reminded me of my mother.” The ditch, located twenty feet away from the highway, is just over six inches deep. “I yelled, ‘Monica, what are you doing here? I thought you were in Tallahassee,’ but she just laughed. Well, she didn’t laugh exactly. Rain water just spewed out of her mouth.”

Police, who have identified the cadaver as Courtney Mott, suspect she had remained in the shallow ditch, unnoticed, for months. Mr. Washington chuckled when he heard the police report. “They say she’s been there since October, which is just like Monica. She always does crazy things like that. Like two days ago, when we were having a staring contest, a maggot crawled out of her eyeball. Gosh, Monica is just so silly.”

Mr. Washington plans on marrying Courtney Mott’s cadaver in early summer. “Monica’s always wanted a June wedding,” he said. The nuptial plans have been put on hold for the moment, however, as Sheboygan police have taken Mr. Washington in for further questioning.

By ETHAN BEVINGTON April 11, 2016

In a rare occurrence, the Brunswick Fire Department responded to a call about an actual fire in town last Thursday night.

“We generally are not confronted with these sorts of situations,” said one fireman with the department. “We typically spend a great deal of time perfecting our technique for sliding down the pole to get to the engines, so as to optimize speed.”

Not used to receiving reports of actual fire, the Brunswick Fire Department Chief called the burning home back twice to confirm that it was not a prank call. “You just never know with kids these days,” the chief said. “Sometimes they’re joking about a non-existent fire, and sometimes they’re burning to death.”

The firefighters were slow to arrive on the scene, citing an empty gas tank and a few misplaced helmets as their main obstacles. The team also stopped at 7-11 beforehand to acquire the nutritious snacks and energizing beverages needed to fight fire.

Forty-three minutes after receiving the 9-1-1 call, the Brunswick firefighters drove to the address they were given, only to discover they were, in fact, pranked. “There was no burning house,” said one firefighter. “There wasn’t even a house. There was just an empty lot filled with ash, smoldering coals, and a few charred skeletons. It’s infuriating that someone would waste our time like this.”

Image Source: http://matthewbryant.blogspot.com/2012/09/burning-down-house.html

By HUGO HENTOFF April 10th, 2016

Ryan Anderson murdered his fifteenth victim last Saturday, making him the most prolific serial killer in Maine’s history. Anderson attributes his record-breaking homicide to the motivational poster hanging in his basement.

“After I had dismembered the sixth blond woman who looked vaguely like my mother, I was exhausted,” said Anderson. “I didn’t think I could keep going. Then, as I was washing large intestine off of me, I saw that poster. I thought to myself, ‘If that cat can keep hanging on, then I sure as heck can keep making skin suits out of Caucasian women.’”

Poster Palace Incorporated, the maker of Anderson’s motivational poster, has been attempting to distance itself from the serial killer. “Poster Palace Incorporated does not condone mass murder,” said one executive. “Poster Palace Incorporated would like to extend its condolences to the families of the victims of Ryan Anderson. Poster Palace Incorporated has always inspired individuals through motivational posters, but it acknowledges the inherent risk in not knowing what the individuals are being inspired to do.”

To avoid further misuse of their motivation, Poster Palace Incorporated has opted to change its slogan, which know reads, “Poster Palace Incorporated: Inspiring Americans to Follow Their Non-Murder Related Dreams Since 1917.”