Category: U.S.

Barron Trump Builds Tree House — No Girls, Syrians Allowed

By HUGO HENTOFF Feb. 21, 2017

Barron Trump, with the help of several Secret Service agents, finished construction of a two-story tree house on the front lawn of the White House last week. Today, the ten-year-old issued an indefinite ban on any girls or Syrians attempting to enter the arboreal fortress.

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                                      Illustration by Arah Kang

“We have no idea who these girls or Syrians are. What kinds of toys do they play with? Do they like different cartoons than we do? Are they terrorists? Maybe some girls and some Syrians are okay, but I don’t want to risk one of the bad ones slipping in,” stated Barron through a plastic cup attached by thirteen feet of yarn to another plastic cup held by a reporter on the ground.

While the tree house was under construction Barron had reportedly promised a small group of girls and Syrians entry under the condition they provided documentation proving an absence of both cooties and chemical weapons. However, once the aspiring playmates completed the complicated vetting process, Barron denied ever making the agreement and banned them from the wooden fortress.

President Trump Signs Anti-Abortion Bill Surrounded by Jellyfish

By JACOB BASKES Feb. 10, 2017

Donald Trump was photographed this Monday signing an executive order banning federal funding to pro-abortion programs as he sat in the oval office surrounded by jellyfish.

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Trump was making good on one of his most fundamental campaign promises, but some argued the presence of spineless diplomats undermined his decision. Senator Elizabeth Warren (D-MA), who has repeatedly pushed back against Trump’s policies, argued that the jellyfish who assisted in drafting the order were, “brainless, naturally.”

“These jellyfish have no right to make decisions about a woman’s body,” the senator continued pointedly. “It’s almost as if he were surrounded by men.”

DeVos Confirmation Vote Postponed After Grizzly Bear Attacks Senate

By JACOB BASKES Feb. 7, 2017

Just hours before the vote to confirm Betsy DeVos as Secretary of Education on Tuesday, the Senate was evacuated after a grizzly bear tore through the Capitol Building.

Senate Debates Department of Homeland Security Appropriations Act

Nobody seems to be sure the origin of the rogue bear, but the timing of the incident has led many to speculate that the salmon-eating animal was very up to date on his politics, and most likely aligned himself with the Democratic Party. Additionally, Senator Catherine Cortez Masto (D-NV) noted, “it seemed to go right for Mitch [McConnell]. It politely asked the guards if it could pose a question to the floor, and after sauntering past 14 rows of senators, jumped straight up to the podium as he was speaking.”

But McConnell was left unscathed — instead of attacking his body, the massive creature stood on its hind legs and attacked the senator’s stance on pressing political issues. “I’m ashamed to call you my senate majority leader,” said the bear. “Your lack of integrity in addressing the failures of this nascent political regime does nothing for the American people, only for yourself.”

In response to the whole incident, DeVos had this to say: “While I have always vouched for guns in public buildings to defend from this exact kind of violence, seeing this attack may have changed my position. After witnessing the ferocity of that bear as it went straight for Senator McConnell, I think the only logical defense against a grizzly is, well, more grizzlies.”

Trump to Nominate Pladimir Vutin to Supreme Court

By JACK ARNHOLZ  Jan. 31, 2017

WASHINGTON – President Trump will nominate Pladimir Vutin to the Supreme Court this evening in a televised, national address. Some critics are concerned that the administration is choosing a judicial novice to sit on the highest court of the land. Others are concerned that Mr. Vutin is just Russian President Vladimir Putin wearing a fake mustache.

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                            A candid shot of Mr. Vutin

In making the announcement today, a perspiring Sean Spicer, the White House Press Secretary, was seen flanked by two men wearing ushankas and leather gloves. They were introduced to the press as “Larry” and “Dave.”

Addressing those critical of Mr. Vutin’s nomination today on Fox News, Kellyanne Conway said, “Mr. Vutin is political outsider who has dedicated his life to public service, and all anyone wants to talk about is how Mr. Vutin is Vladimir Putin wearing a fake mustache.”

The Senate is expected to confirm Mr. Vutin later this month as several skeptical Senators have been reported missing fingers.

The 6 People You’ll For Sure See at Christmas Dinner

By JACOB BASKES Dec. 15, 2016

1. Dad

Portrait of mature black American man.

You can’t have Christmas without Dad! He’s the one who will undoubtedly say that he’s glad everyone made it into town despite the cold weather, and then probably joke about burning dinner, only then to go and actually burn dinner. Need a little more help picking out Dad? He’s the one who’s your dad.

2. Grandma’s Friend Martha

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After 4 years of Grandma’s friend Alice coming to Christmas dinner, you think you’d be sure of her name by now. But even though Bernice was at your 13th birthday, you still aren’t sure that her name is Eliza. Just make sure to avoid saying Roberta’s name, and you’ll be set.

3. Gerald

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Now this guy is a classi… wait — what? Anyone know who this guy is? He’s probably a friend of Mom’s, but no one’s really sure. Let’s not worry about him.

4. Cousin Kayla

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Remember Kayla? She was your first kiss at Christmas in 2004. You haven’t seen her since last year, and she looks kind of different now. Is that a tattoo behind her ear? Shit, that’s pretty weird. It is your dad’s side of the family, after all.

5. Gerald

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Anyone? We still have no clue who this guy is. I asked Mom and Grandma’s friend Karen and neither of them has ever seen the dude. If you find out, either tell Dad or call the cops, please.

6. Gerald

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Okay, what the literal fuck? He’s in the kitchen licking all of the raw meat. Jesus. Someone better figure this out quick or we’re all done for.

 

 

Report: 23% of Nation Currently Hovering Hand Over Lit Stove Just to Feel Something

By HUGO HENTOFF Dec. 7, 2016

A recent study conducted at the University of Wisconsin found that on any given day an average of 23% of Americans are hovering their hand over a lit stove just to feel something.

Head researcher Martha Long commented, “Some people just keep their hand over the fire for a few seconds, some leave it there for up to four minutes. Heat blisters aside, I’m happy that Americans are still finding new and inventive ways to prove to themselves they still possess the capability to feel.”

“I walk through the world dead inside,” said 9-year-old Toby Chestnut, “but when I stick my hand over the flames, I feel pain. It’s better than nothing.”

The researches also found that an average of up to 6% of Americans drink scotch while wearing their aunt’s bra just to see if they experience any sensation at all.

Cyber Terrorist Manages to Get Help in Apple Store

By ETHAN BEVINGTON Nov. 21, 2016

Russian cyber terrorist Peter Prokofiev baffled US officials today after he entered an Apple Store with an issue and left having actually resolved it.

“I kept having issues with the lock screen on my phone,” said Prokofiev. “It was really frustrating because I get most of my anti-capitalist pig missions through text. The guy who helped me was really nice. The whole thing only took about ten minutes.”

Cyber specialists have spent hours analyzing the footage from Prokofiev’s visit, but have been unable to replicate his experience. “This is some high level shit,” said one programmer. “I’ve never seen someone with this kind of technological mastery. We should all be a bit worried.”

Robot Learns to Love, Only Wants Justin Long

By HUGO HENTOFF Nov. 16, 2016

Scientists at MIT were excited to announce today that they have created an artificial intelligence with the capacity to understand and actually experience love. The researches were unable to explain why the robot is exclusively infatuated with actor Justin Long.

“What we’ve done here is amazing. It’s revolutionary,” said head researcher Jane Cox. “This discovery should not be undercut by the machine’s intense and aggressively sexual feelings for Mr. Long”

At press time, the robot repeatedly rubbed itself while demanding Justin Long be brought before it. Long could not be reached for comment as no human really wanted to interact with him.

Mike Pence Celebrates Victory At Favorite NYC Gay Bar

By JACOB BASKES Nov. 10, 2016

After Donald Trump secured his victory on Tuesday night, Vice President-Elect Mike Pence celebrated with friends and family at his favorite NYC gay bar, The Cornhole. The bar hosted the party as repayment for Pence’s many years of patronage to the establishment.

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“Mondays through Sundays are for the boys” – Mike Pence

“I couldn’t imagine a better place to celebrate,” said Mr. Pence on Tuesday, surrounded by his wife, children, and an assortment of heavily oiled men. “The Cornhole has meant so much to me throughout my life. It’s been a second home ever since I was a wild young man looking to meet other wild young men.”

Pence usually only stops in on Wet & Wild Wednesdays but stated that this was a special occasion.

 

Image Source: Jonathan Ernst/File Photp/Reuters