Category: U.S.

Report: 23% of Nation Currently Hovering Hand Over Lit Stove Just to Feel Something

By HUGO HENTOFF Dec. 7, 2016

A recent study conducted at the University of Wisconsin found that on any given day an average of 23% of Americans are hovering their hand over a lit stove just to feel something.

Head researcher Martha Long commented, “Some people just keep their hand over the fire for a few seconds, some leave it there for up to four minutes. Heat blisters aside, I’m happy that Americans are still finding new and inventive ways to prove to themselves they still possess the capability to feel.”

“I walk through the world dead inside,” said 9-year-old Toby Chestnut, “but when I stick my hand over the flames, I feel pain. It’s better than nothing.”

The researches also found that an average of up to 6% of Americans drink scotch while wearing their aunt’s bra just to see if they experience any sensation at all.

Cyber Terrorist Manages to Get Help in Apple Store

By ETHAN BEVINGTON Nov. 21, 2016

Russian cyber terrorist Peter Prokofiev baffled US officials today after he entered an Apple Store with an issue and left having actually resolved it.

“I kept having issues with the lock screen on my phone,” said Prokofiev. “It was really frustrating because I get most of my anti-capitalist pig missions through text. The guy who helped me was really nice. The whole thing only took about ten minutes.”

Cyber specialists have spent hours analyzing the footage from Prokofiev’s visit, but have been unable to replicate his experience. “This is some high level shit,” said one programmer. “I’ve never seen someone with this kind of technological mastery. We should all be a bit worried.”

Robot Learns to Love, Only Wants Justin Long

By HUGO HENTOFF Nov. 16, 2016

Scientists at MIT were excited to announce today that they have created an artificial intelligence with the capacity to understand and actually experience love. The researches were unable to explain why the robot is exclusively infatuated with actor Justin Long.

“What we’ve done here is amazing. It’s revolutionary,” said head researcher Jane Cox. “This discovery should not be undercut by the machine’s intense and aggressively sexual feelings for Mr. Long”

At press time, the robot repeatedly rubbed itself while demanding Justin Long be brought before it. Long could not be reached for comment as no human really wanted to interact with him.

Mike Pence Celebrates Victory At Favorite NYC Gay Bar

By JACOB BASKES Nov. 10, 2016

After Donald Trump secured his victory on Tuesday night, Vice President-Elect Mike Pence celebrated with friends and family at his favorite NYC gay bar, The Cornhole. The bar hosted the party as repayment for Pence’s many years of patronage to the establishment.

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“Mondays through Sundays are for the boys” – Mike Pence

“I couldn’t imagine a better place to celebrate,” said Mr. Pence on Tuesday, surrounded by his wife, children, and an assortment of heavily oiled men. “The Cornhole has meant so much to me throughout my life. It’s been a second home ever since I was a wild young man looking to meet other wild young men.”

Pence usually only stops in on Wet & Wild Wednesdays but stated that this was a special occasion.

 

Image Source: Jonathan Ernst/File Photp/Reuters

Nation Unsure if Gripped By Fear or Terror

By HUGO HENTOFF Nov. 9, 2016

In a historically surprising upset, Donald Trump has been elected the next president of the United States and many citizens are unsure whether to respond to this news with complete fear or utter terror.

An Ohio man stated, “On the one hand, I’m deeply horrified that fundamental human rights will be taken away, but on the other, I’m shitting myself with an unadulterated panic because there is now a unique possibility of a nuclear apocalypse. So I’m conflicted.”

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Mental Health Tip: pretend all the sobbing people you see in the streets are just playing peek-a-boo by themselves

“When I heard the news, I didn’t know how to react,” said a Michigan woman. “Do I violently sob out of fear or projectile vomit out of terror? I ended up doing both.”

She continued, “It’s like shards of broken glass are falling from the sky and tearing through my skin, cutting my body into chunks of exposed flesh. I guess this is the closest I’ll get to knowing what someone shattering the glass ceiling would feel like.”

 

 

Image Source: REUTERS/Valentyn Ogirenko

 

Little League Coach Who Abducted Two Children Steals Third

By HUGO HENTOFF Nov. 7, 2016

Little league coach Bill Hutchinson made national news last week for kidnapping two young baseball players. He has now stolen a third.

The name of the abducted child is Timmy Ruth. The eight-year-old was reportedly
running home when Hutchinson caught him.

Before coaching, Hutchinson was a catcher in the minor leagues.

 

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          Little league games will procede as usual in honor of Ruth

 

 

 

 

Image Source: https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:LIttle_League_baseball,_May_2009.jpg

Gary Johnson’s Mom Buys Participation Medal

By ETHAN BEVINGTON Nov. 5, 2016

The mother of presidential hopeful Gary Johnson was seen in Safe-Way buying cupcakes, off-brand soda, and a participation medal for her son.

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             Mr. Johnson is always excited for Safe-Way cupcakes

“I just thought he deserved something for getting this far, even if it means I have to go out of my way to get to the store,” said Mrs. Johnson. “I think it’s really special that he’s out there trying his best.”

Mr. Johnson has not been able to retrieve the medal due to the fact that he was unable to locate North Dakota, his home state, on a map.

 

Image Source: Gary Johnson/Flickr

Hillary Clinton Rooting For Cubs in World Series, Unless Polls Tighten in Ohio

By JACK ARNHOLZ Oct. 26, 2016

Hillary Clinton, a lifelong supporter of the Chicago Cubs, says she is rooting for her hometown team in the World Series, unless the polls tighten in Ohio.

“You see, this World Series puts me in a difficult position. Of course, I like the Cubs, but I’ve always supported the Cleveland Indians since entering the election,” Ms. Clinton said.

“There is nothing more important than loyalty. Taking a position and never wavering; that’s what I’m all about,” Ms. Clinton said. When asked about her past support of the New York Yankees, Ms. Clinton looked confused, shook her head, and said, “I don’t recall.”

 

 

Image Source: http://www.govexec.com

Progress: Donald Trump First Ever Candidate to Use Spanish in US Presidential Debate

By HUGO HENTOFF Oct. 26, 2016

At the third presidential debate Donald Trump used the phrase, “bad hombres,” establishing himself as the first ever major party nominee to use Spanish in a national debate.

Trump’s comments were reportedly an attempt to reach out to Hispanic voters. “His use of Spanish only confirms what the American people already know—that no one has more respect for the Hispanics than he does,” said Trump campaign manager Kellyane Conway.

Further cementing his connection to the Latino community, Trump used Spanish once again during a rally. “It’s time to say adios to all those Mexican criminals, drug dealers, and rapists that are poisoning this country.”

Trump’s inclusive use of Spanish is expected to vastly improve his standing with Hispanic Americans, possibly resulting in him receiving up to 5% of the Latino vote on Election Day.

7 Things Only Kids Whose Father Beat Them in The 90’s Will Understand

By HUGO HENTOFF May 11, 2016

The 90’s was such a crazy time. Other generations will never get to know what it was like to grow up in that decade. If you’re a 90’s kid, all of your memories will always be so distinctly 90’s — especially the memories of child abuse. There are just some things that only kids whose father beat them in the 90’s will understand.

1. When you’d beg your dad to wear Socker Boppers and he wouldn’t

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2. The one thing sweeter than a Baby Bottle Pop was when your dad went on a business trip

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3. Furby was the only friend you could confide in

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4. You could write “HELP” in all the different colors

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5. You tried to role away in your dope new shoes, but dad was too fast

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6. When Scooby Doo could cover up the wounds on your arm, but not your soul

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7. You took all your pent up rage out on your Tamagotchi, knowing he would eventually abuse his own Tamagotchi, thus continuing the horrible cycle

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