Category: U.S.

Racist Viagra Ad Claims South Will Rise Again

By JACK ARNHOLZ and ETHAN BEVINGTON Apr. 13, 2017

A controversial new Viagra ad released this week used the slogan, “The South Will Rise Again.” The ad reportedly is targeted toward racists.

“We think the slogan will strike a cord with Southern racists with erectile dysfunction,” said Emma Nelson, a marketing executive at Viagra. “Both the possibility of getting an erection and the South rising again may have seemed very unlikely to this demographic, however, due to our great product and a few other recent circumstances, both now seem possible.”

Viagra’s pharmaceutical rival, Cialis, has criticized the new ad. “Cialis has been running racist commercials for years,” said Peter Brown, a representative for the drug. “What do you think the deal was with those separate bathtubs?”

 

Paul Ryan to Replace Obamacare with Bag of Miscellaneous Pills Found Behind Arby’s

By HUGO HENTOFF Mar. 23, 2017

WASHINGTON — After last minute changes made by House Speaker Paul Ryal to appease the House Freedom Caucus, the American Health Care Act—the GOP’s replacement for the Affordable Care Act—will now simply be a plastic bag filled with miscellaneous pills that Ryan found behind an Arby’s franchise.

Paul Ryan to Replace“We are finally providing Americans with the health care they want,” Ryan said. “Unlike Obamacare, the American Health Care Act offers choice. Do I want to take the big white pill today, or the little blue one? Should I take both? How many of these pills are suppositories? These are the kinds of decisions that Americans will now have the freedom to make everyday thanks to this bill.”

The Congressional Budget Office will not have time to provide a full analysis of the revised AHCA before the House votes on it tomorrow, upsetting many on the left. “Republicans are trying to sneak their bill through the House before the CBO releases a report because they know they’ll get an abysmal score,” said House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi. “We don’t even know how many pills are in that bag, let alone what they do, and Paul Ryan is expecting us to just trust him when he tells us they give a good buzz? We need the facts.”

Analysts predict that the AHCA will have a largely negative impact on older, low-income whites, many of whom voted for President Trump. Trump acknowledged the financial strain the bill would have on his supporters and promised to include a provision that would allocate more “fun yellow ones” to his base.

Trump to Expand Military by $54 Billion, Has Big Dick

By JACK ARNHOLZ Mar. 8, 2017

WASHINGTON – Earlier this week President Trump announced his plans to expand the United States Military budget by $54 billion and also that he has a large penis.

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                                “[…] give or take a few inches.”
Many White House Press Corps reporters asked Press Secretary Sean Spicer why Mr. Trump devoted over six minutes to discussing his “colossal cock” in his statement. “The President is committed to national security. That is why the administration is committing $54 billion to the military,” Mr. Spicer said. “Also, the President has a gargantuan package. I’ve seen it. It’s very, very big. Trust me.”

During his statement, the President kept his hands out of view from reporters.

Alt-Right Leaders Urge Supporters to Acknowledge Intersectionality of Their Bigotries

By HUGO HENTOFF Feb. 27, 2017

In an attempt to unify white nationalists across America, leaders of the alt-right are urging supporters to acknowledge and examine the many ways in which the intersectional nature of their bigotries affect how they perceive and interact with the world around them.

“It’s important to foster a community of empathy and acceptance for all white racists, no matter the color he specifically hates,” said alt-right spokesman Richard Spencer. “People think they can separate the many parts of their identity—all the different prejudices they hold—into discreet little chunks, but it doesn’t work that way.”

Spencer continued, “For example, I don’t like Koreans. I don’t like black people. I really don’t like Jews. Those biases are tangled up together; they shape each other. The way I hate Koreans affects the way I hate Jews, and the way I hate black people affects the way I hate Jews, and the way I hate Jews affects the way I really fucking hate Jews. The manner in which these hatreds intersect plays a crucial role in how our repulsiveness manifests itself. There’s no telling what we’ll achieve once white supremacists across the nation are able to recognize and celebrate the ever-changing multiplicities of our bigotries.”

Barron Trump Builds Tree House — No Girls, Syrians Allowed

By HUGO HENTOFF Feb. 21, 2017

Barron Trump, with the help of several Secret Service agents, finished construction of a two-story tree house on the front lawn of the White House last week. Today, the ten-year-old issued an indefinite ban on any girls or Syrians attempting to enter the arboreal fortress.

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                                      Illustration by Arah Kang

“We have no idea who these girls or Syrians are. What kinds of toys do they play with? Do they like different cartoons than we do? Are they terrorists? Maybe some girls and some Syrians are okay, but I don’t want to risk one of the bad ones slipping in,” stated Barron through a plastic cup attached by thirteen feet of yarn to another plastic cup held by a reporter on the ground.

While the tree house was under construction Barron had reportedly promised a small group of girls and Syrians entry under the condition they provided documentation proving an absence of both cooties and chemical weapons. However, once the aspiring playmates completed the complicated vetting process, Barron denied ever making the agreement and banned them from the wooden fortress.

President Trump Signs Anti-Abortion Bill Surrounded by Jellyfish

By JACOB BASKES Feb. 10, 2017

Donald Trump was photographed this Monday signing an executive order banning federal funding to pro-abortion programs as he sat in the oval office surrounded by jellyfish.

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Trump was making good on one of his most fundamental campaign promises, but some argued the presence of spineless diplomats undermined his decision. Senator Elizabeth Warren (D-MA), who has repeatedly pushed back against Trump’s policies, argued that the jellyfish who assisted in drafting the order were, “brainless, naturally.”

“These jellyfish have no right to make decisions about a woman’s body,” the senator continued pointedly. “It’s almost as if he were surrounded by men.”

DeVos Confirmation Vote Postponed After Grizzly Bear Attacks Senate

By JACOB BASKES Feb. 7, 2017

Just hours before the vote to confirm Betsy DeVos as Secretary of Education on Tuesday, the Senate was evacuated after a grizzly bear tore through the Capitol Building.

Senate Debates Department of Homeland Security Appropriations Act

Nobody seems to be sure the origin of the rogue bear, but the timing of the incident has led many to speculate that the salmon-eating animal was very up to date on his politics, and most likely aligned himself with the Democratic Party. Additionally, Senator Catherine Cortez Masto (D-NV) noted, “it seemed to go right for Mitch [McConnell]. It politely asked the guards if it could pose a question to the floor, and after sauntering past 14 rows of senators, jumped straight up to the podium as he was speaking.”

But McConnell was left unscathed — instead of attacking his body, the massive creature stood on its hind legs and attacked the senator’s stance on pressing political issues. “I’m ashamed to call you my senate majority leader,” said the bear. “Your lack of integrity in addressing the failures of this nascent political regime does nothing for the American people, only for yourself.”

In response to the whole incident, DeVos had this to say: “While I have always vouched for guns in public buildings to defend from this exact kind of violence, seeing this attack may have changed my position. After witnessing the ferocity of that bear as it went straight for Senator McConnell, I think the only logical defense against a grizzly is, well, more grizzlies.”

Trump to Nominate Pladimir Vutin to Supreme Court

By JACK ARNHOLZ  Jan. 31, 2017

WASHINGTON – President Trump will nominate Pladimir Vutin to the Supreme Court this evening in a televised, national address. Some critics are concerned that the administration is choosing a judicial novice to sit on the highest court of the land. Others are concerned that Mr. Vutin is just Russian President Vladimir Putin wearing a fake mustache.

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                            A candid shot of Mr. Vutin

In making the announcement today, a perspiring Sean Spicer, the White House Press Secretary, was seen flanked by two men wearing ushankas and leather gloves. They were introduced to the press as “Larry” and “Dave.”

Addressing those critical of Mr. Vutin’s nomination today on Fox News, Kellyanne Conway said, “Mr. Vutin is political outsider who has dedicated his life to public service, and all anyone wants to talk about is how Mr. Vutin is Vladimir Putin wearing a fake mustache.”

The Senate is expected to confirm Mr. Vutin later this month as several skeptical Senators have been reported missing fingers.

The 6 People You’ll For Sure See at Christmas Dinner

By JACOB BASKES Dec. 15, 2016

1. Dad

Portrait of mature black American man.

You can’t have Christmas without Dad! He’s the one who will undoubtedly say that he’s glad everyone made it into town despite the cold weather, and then probably joke about burning dinner, only then to go and actually burn dinner. Need a little more help picking out Dad? He’s the one who’s your dad.

2. Grandma’s Friend Martha

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After 4 years of Grandma’s friend Alice coming to Christmas dinner, you think you’d be sure of her name by now. But even though Bernice was at your 13th birthday, you still aren’t sure that her name is Eliza. Just make sure to avoid saying Roberta’s name, and you’ll be set.

3. Gerald

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Now this guy is a classi… wait — what? Anyone know who this guy is? He’s probably a friend of Mom’s, but no one’s really sure. Let’s not worry about him.

4. Cousin Kayla

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Remember Kayla? She was your first kiss at Christmas in 2004. You haven’t seen her since last year, and she looks kind of different now. Is that a tattoo behind her ear? Shit, that’s pretty weird. It is your dad’s side of the family, after all.

5. Gerald

gerald

Anyone? We still have no clue who this guy is. I asked Mom and Grandma’s friend Karen and neither of them has ever seen the dude. If you find out, either tell Dad or call the cops, please.

6. Gerald

gerald

Okay, what the literal fuck? He’s in the kitchen licking all of the raw meat. Jesus. Someone better figure this out quick or we’re all done for.