Scientists at MIT were excited to announce today that they have created an artificial intelligence with the capacity to understand and actually experience love. The researches were unable to explain why the robot is exclusively infatuated with actor Justin Long.
“What we’ve done here is amazing. It’s revolutionary,” said head researcher Jane Cox. “This discovery should not be undercut by the machine’s intense and aggressively sexual feelings for Mr. Long”
At press time, the robot repeatedly rubbed itself while demanding Justin Long be brought before it. Long could not be reached for comment as no human really wanted to interact with him.
After Donald Trump secured his victory on Tuesday night, Vice President-Elect Mike Pence celebrated with friends and family at his favorite NYC gay bar, The Cornhole. The bar hosted the party as repayment for Pence’s many years of patronage to the establishment.
“Mondays through Sundays are for the boys” – Mike Pence
“I couldn’t imagine a better place to celebrate,” said Mr. Pence on Tuesday, surrounded by his wife, children, and an assortment of heavily oiled men. “The Cornhole has meant so much to me throughout my life. It’s been a second home ever since I was a wild young man looking to meet other wild young men.”
Pence usually only stops in on Wet & Wild Wednesdays but stated that this was a special occasion.
The mother of presidential hopeful Gary Johnson was seen in Safe-Way buying cupcakes, off-brand soda, and a participation medal for her son.
Mr. Johnson is always excited for Safe-Way cupcakes
“I just thought he deserved something for getting this far, even if it means I have to go out of my way to get to the store,” said Mrs. Johnson. “I think it’s really special that he’s out there trying his best.”
Mr. Johnson has not been able to retrieve the medal due to the fact that he was unable to locate North Dakota, his home state, on a map.
Hillary Clinton, a lifelong supporter of the Chicago Cubs, says she is rooting for her hometown team in the World Series, unless the polls tighten in Ohio.
“You see, this World Series puts me in a difficult position. Of course, I like the Cubs, but I’ve always supported the Cleveland Indians since entering the election,” Ms. Clinton said.
“There is nothing more important than loyalty. Taking a position and never wavering; that’s what I’m all about,” Ms. Clinton said. When asked about her past support of the New York Yankees, Ms. Clinton looked confused, shook her head, and said, “I don’t recall.”
After months of work, researchers at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology have made the groundbreaking discovery that people who regularly eat ice cream almost always live longer than people with terminal illnesses.
“This is a major breakthrough for the scientific community. No one could have predicted these results,” said Josh Campbell, a member of the MIT research team.
Illustrated by Blanche Froelich
To conduct the study, researchers visited Boston’s largest hospitals and interviewed an array of terminally ill patients. Many interviewees suspected they would die soon, likely due to their terminal illnesses.
The research done at Boston’s ice cream parlors produced different results. “It seemed like almost no one was going to die soon,” said Mr. Campbell.
Researchers also noted that in the hospitals many patients were severely underweight, some were even coughing up blood. At the ice cream parlors however, nobody coughed up any blood and a large number of the customers appeared overweight.
The researchers believe that this correlation might be related to ice cream toppings as many of the ice cream eaters had sprinkles, cherries or hot fudge on their cones, while sick were not able to eat ice cream, and thus did not consume any toppings. To study the effect of toppings on the terminally ill, researchers attempted to administer hot fudge and sprinkles into a patient’s IV tube, but the patient died in the process from, according to the researchers, unrelated causes.
The MIT scientists would like to conduct a long-term study, but the fatally ill patients keep dying before significant data can be collected.
After a brief vacation Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell has returned from his vacation to Kenya.
“It was nice to take some time to get away from it all,” said McConnell. “And by ‘it all,’ I mean all of the Congressional responsibilities I should be fulfilling. People have no idea that doing so little takes so much out of you. Preventing the Constitutional process of appointment has made this week particularly exhausting.”
A Photograph from McConnell’s Kenyan Vacation
When asked about what he thought of Kenya, he responded, “There were more white people than I expected, which was really nice. You would think that Obama’s homeland would be full of other Muslims, but I did not see a single Mosque.”
McConnell continued, “I wish we would have seen some animals on our safari. I paid some brown guy to drive us around in his truck and all we saw was fat white people in floral print shirts. That’s not the kind of white rhino I wanted to see.”
When asked about why his photo was in front of sign that said Hawaii, McConnell responded, “That’s how you say Kenya in Kenyan, everyone knows that.”
Ted Cruz, in an attempt to reach younger voters, has accepted Nickelodeon’s offer to host the 2016 Kids’ Choice Awards.
“When you think of slime, two things immediately come to mind: The Kids’ Choice Awards and Ted Cruz,” said President of Nickelodeon Cyma Zarghami. “We are so excited that we finally have the opportunity to bring this natural pair together.”
Mr. Cruz hopes this awards show will give him a chance to convince younger voters that he is not, as has been posited, the human embodiment of a moist cringe. “We are hoping that Cruz’s natural sheen of slime won’t be as noticeable after he’s been doused with the Nickelodeon slime,” said Mr. Cruz’s campaign manger, Jeff Roe. “This is a very exciting time for our candidate.”
In addition to reaching more voters, Mr. Cruz stated he also hopes to absorb the primordial power of the Nickelodeon slime from whence he emerged.
12-year-old Jimmy Weston made Mrs. Tenley, his homeroom teacher, uncomfortable after presenting a slideshow on slavery to his 6th grade class that, according to Mrs. Tenley, featured an inappropriate amount of Word Art.
“Mrs. Tenley told us to just have fun with it,” said a classmate of Weston, “which, in retrospect, was a weird thing to tell a class of preteens doing presentations on the institution of slavery.”
Mrs. Tenley was not pleased with Weston’s slide show. “For our next unit on the Holocaust, I will be having Jimmy give an oral presentation so we won’t have a problem like this again. He assured me that he would do well on this next unit, and if he does, I’ll be sure to give him a gold star.”
When asked to comment on the offensive nature of his slideshow, Weston said, “Word Art looks really cool. Slavery is really bad though.”
During his monthly privilege check, local man Terry Flanderson was horrified to discover a lump.
Illustrated by Blanche Froelich
“Thank god I checked my privilege when I did,” said Flanderson. “The doctors say if I hadn’t caught the lump so soon, I might be dead right now.”
While public health officials advise every American to check their privilege a minimum of once a month, some patients are recommended to check even more frequently. “High-risk individuals — generally white, cisgender, men — should be checking their privilege once a week at the very least,” said Doctor Ron Phillips, a privilege specialist. “If these men also happen to be heterosexual or have an annual income of greater than $97,500, they should be checking their privilege multiple times a day.”
“Don’t end up like Taylor Swift or the Bowdoin Men’s Hockey team,” said Flanders. “If someone tells you to check your privilege, do it. Don’t wait until it’s too late.”
The Bowdoin Harpoon 
