All, U.S.

Alt-Right Leaders Urge Supporters to Acknowledge Intersectionality of Their Bigotries

By HUGO HENTOFF Feb. 27, 2017

In an attempt to unify white nationalists across America, leaders of the alt-right are urging supporters to acknowledge and examine the many ways in which the intersectional nature of their bigotries affect how they perceive and interact with the world around them.

“It’s important to foster a community of empathy and acceptance for all white racists, no matter the color he specifically hates,” said alt-right spokesman Richard Spencer. “People think they can separate the many parts of their identity—all the different prejudices they hold—into discreet little chunks, but it doesn’t work that way.”

Spencer continued, “For example, I don’t like Koreans. I don’t like black people. I really don’t like Jews. Those biases are tangled up together; they shape each other. The way I hate Koreans affects the way I hate Jews, and the way I hate black people affects the way I hate Jews, and the way I hate Jews affects the way I really fucking hate Jews. The manner in which these hatreds intersect plays a crucial role in how our repulsiveness manifests itself. There’s no telling what we’ll achieve once white supremacists across the nation are able to recognize and celebrate the ever-changing multiplicities of our bigotries.”

All, Bowdoin

Special Snowflake Girl Informs Facebook Friends about Declaring as a Government and Legal Studies Major

By JAANA SINGH Feb. 26, 2017

After officially declaring her major in Government and Legal Studies, Sarah Cohen ‘19 took to social media to post an enthusiastic status about her novel academic endeavor.

Cohen described the decision to declare as an emotionally draining experience, despite not having any other potential major contenders to grapple with. “I really had to look within me, and decide who I was. After days of self-reflection, I realized that becoming a Government major was my destiny.”

Just 4 days after her announcement, Cohen has already prefaced nine political Facebook posts, “As a government and legal studies major…”

All, Bowdoin

eBoard Announces Milo Yiannopoulos as Ivies Headliner

By JACK ARNHOLZ and JAANA SINGH Feb. 25, 2017

The Bowdoin Entertainment Board has announced that controversial Conservative pundit Milo Yiannopoulos will headline this year’s Ivies.

“A few months ago we didn’t think we would be able to get him,” said eBoard president Annette Williams, “but, due to recent events, we were able to get him really cheap.” Williams announced that Yiannopoulos’s act will include singing, dancing, and heiling.

Yiannopoulos’s representatives told the Harpoon, “Mr. Yiannopoulos is excited to perform for Bowdoin College. He is, however, disappointed he missed Masque & Gown’s production of Blown Youth.”

The event will be sponsored by Bowdoin’s Kaucasian Kulture Klub.

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Local Pedophile Seriously Disappointed After Performance of ‘Blown Youth’

By SUMMERS ASKEW Feb. 24, 2017

Local pedophile Isaac Gables was incredibly disappointed after attending last weekend’s performance of Blown Youth. Produced by Masque and Gown, the show apparently “did not deliver what it promised,” and left the man “seriously frustrated.”

blown-youth

“Just to be clear, I mean sexually frustrated,” Gables clarified. “I really had my hopes up. I’m kind of a niche audience, so I appreciate a nod to my interests. Little did I know, this was all about women over the age of eighteen. What a rip-off.”

The Brunswick Police Department has stated that Gables will not be allowed on campus again, but did suggest that the theater group change the name of next fall’s production to prevent future misunderstandings. Masque and Gown’s fall 2017 production is currently titled, “Sex with Children.”

All, Bowdoin

Dean Foster Limits Number of Students Who Can Live With Him to 200

By JACK ARNHOLZ Feb. 23, 2017

Dean of Students Tim Foster has limited the number of students who can live with him off-campus to 200. “As much I love the Bowdoin community, my house cannot physically hold more than 200 kids,” said Dean Foster.

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                                            Illustration by Arah Kang

Bowdoin has seen an increase in the number of people living with Dean Foster in the past year. Students cite his home’s proximity to Brunswick, distance from Bowdoin security, and presence of Foster’s comforting smile as reasons for living there.

“It’s so awesome living with the Fosters. Sometimes, when I get scared at night, I crawl into their bed. Usually, there are already at least a dozen other students in there,” said Emmett Behar. “And he’s so easy to talk to. Did you know he went to a Waldorf school?”

Behar continued, “Do you know what the difference is between a house and home? I do. Home is where Dean Foster is.”

All, Bowdoin

Innovative Career Planning Employee Recommends eBear

By ETHAN BEVINGTON Feb. 22, 2017

Bowdoin sophomore Kate Waters received the ever-helpful insight of checking eBear during her career planning meeting last Thursday.

“I mean, I never could have thought of that on my own,” said Waters. “I was just hoping to come in and get recommendations about a few internships in my field based on my qualifications, but instead I get to search through thousands of internships that I may or may not be qualified for and may not even be relevant to my field.”

“We strive to help all students achieve our dreams of working in finance or consulting,” said Tom Dole, a Career Planning employee. “We want each and every Bowdoin student to have the chance to live in the greater New York City or Boston area and have a meaningful, corporate life.”

“My career councilor told me to go to the Maine Employers fair,” said Waters. “I’m a Classics Major, but who knows what I might find.”

 

All, Maine

Following Super Bowl, Patriots Fan Realizes Life Still Devoid of Meaning

By CHRISTIAN FILTER Feb. 20, 2017

After the historic comeback in Super Bowl 51, New England super-fan and Boston native Brian O’Flanagan says the high of victory has worn off and has realized that human life is still inherently meaningless.

“I was super pumped when the Pats won the Super Bowl,” said O’Flanagan. “But now I’m back to spending my time grappling with mortality and pondering the insignificance of human life. We’re all just so small in a universe that’s so, so big.”

 
O’Flanagan said that directly after the Super Bowl, all he could think about was Edelman’s catch and Tom Brady’s piercing baby blue eyes, but recently has been unable to do anything but face the inescapable loneliness and alienation he feels are intrinsic to the human condition.

Bowdoin

ISIS Claims Credit for Bombing of First Midterm

By ETHAN BEVINGTON Feb. 18, 2017

International terrorist organization ISIS has claimed credit for the bombing of the first Physics 1130 midterm.

“I have never ever seen carnage like that in my entire life,” said one student from the class. “My ears were ringing for hours afterwards and I can’t even begin to try to focus,” said another.

The terrorist group took credit for the bombing immediately after the incident via social media. One tweet read, “We are proud of our brother’s successful mission in Brunswick, even though we did not know where Maine was until today. Jihad must be waged everywhere, even in the cold.”

ISIS members were elated to learn of another bombing opportunity after they noticed the syllabus listed finals in May.

All, Bowdoin

Admissions to Limit Number of Emmas and Sams to 200

By RODGER HEIDGERKEN Feb. 17, 2017

In an attempt to diversify the Bowdoin community, admissions has announced that it will be not be admitting more than 200 students named Emma or Sam to the class of 2021.

Recent statistics taken by the Admissions Office show that approximately 64% of the enrolled class of 2020 is named either Sam or Emma.

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“This is just the beginning of our fight against excessive homogeneity in names,” stated an admissions officer after wait-listing an applicant named Sam Barry. “We were even considering putting a cap on Connors, Jacks, Carolines, Charlottes, and Sarahs, but we still need athletes.”

The absence of anyone from the Admissions Office named Sam or Emma has lead some students to suspect an incident of bias.

All, Bowdoin

A Capella Groups to Stop Singing to Focus on Arm-Swinging

By SAM HALPERT Feb. 16, 2017

All 97 Bowdoin a capella groups are reportedly switching focus from ruining classic songs with their mouths to choreographing the rhythmic and tasteful arm movements necessary to compensate for a lack of instruments.

 

A capella connoisseur Steven Jackson noted, “While the singing is certainly a nice touch, it often distracts from the immersive experience that well-executed arm swinging and tastefully assembled J-Crew outfits provide.”

 

When asked for comment, head spokesman for Bowdoin a capella Amanda Roberts remarked, “Shoo wop, doo doo doooo wop, shimmy now yeah yeah yeaaaaah, shoobee doobee doo.”