All, Bowdoin, Miscellaneous, Op-Ed

Safa Zaki Found Wandering Aisles of Target 

by ISA FERNANDEZ  | Jan 30th, 2024

Guys, I think we ruined Safa Zaki. I was wandering around the Topsham Target, buying things I honestly shouldn’t, considering I have all of $1.62 in my bank account and (despite my numerous petitions) Target doesn’t take Polar Points, when I saw our president riding one of those electric scooters, with no regard for her safety or that of others, hurling half frozen pizzas at unattended children (Chaos Theory: new recruit?). After a swift dive to grab the mouthwash she was guarding, I could hear her cackling and muttering about “those damn gift cards.” Apparently, those weren’t phishing emails! President Zaki really did need our phone numbers for an assignment, the assignment being purchasing some $200 in Target gift cards to buy her hot girl things™. I guess Bowdoin doesn’t pay its faculty nearly as much as we thought it did (considering our $2.4 billion endowment last year), and President Zaki has been forced to turn to us, the student body, for help. Without the finances she so desperately needed, she lost her mind and claimed a new home within the walls of the Topsham Target. Needless to say, I did not want to be the one to anger President Zaki, so I got the fuck out of there.

I asked one of those soulless Target employees about our president’s new home. According to him, she’s been a complete nuisance to the store. Customers have been forced to listen to her recite her email from memory, begging them for their numbers from the toilet paper roll throne she has fashioned in the southwest corner of the store. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see another disgruntled employee using a spray bottle to get President Zaki out of a bag of Flavor Blasted Xtra Cheddar Goldfish sitting on a shelf. You truly hate to see a diva down like that. She’s become a sort of folk tale to the Topsham residents, who now call her Rat Queen Zaki. Ok, girlboss, we see you!

I guess the moral of the story is to never EVER trust the Bowdoin IT department (fuck you guys for making me update my Mac all the time), and congratulations, President Zaki, on becoming Topsham Target’s new Rat Queen!

Note: Bowdoin is, once again, hiring a new president to take her place as she rules the linoleum aisles of Target, and (completely unrelated) Target is hiring an exterminator.

All, Bowdoin, Maine

Safa Zaki’s Inauguration Ruined by Proud Boys

by NOAH SAPERSTEIN and ATTICUS ORBACH | Oct 28th, 2023

BRUNSWICK – After two weeks of gathering evidence and reviewing the chaotic events from President Safa Zaki’s inauguration weekend, the hard-hitting journalists at the Bowdoin Harpoon are ready to chronicle every moment of the insurrection that took place on October 13th.

Continue reading “Safa Zaki’s Inauguration Ruined by Proud Boys” →
All, Bowdoin, Holiday

Yellow Reopened as“House of Collegiate Horrors” for Halloween

by JASON OLARU-HAGEN | Oct 31st, 2023

After years of dominance on the Bowdoin frat-adjacent party scene, Yellow has fallen into despair and disrepair. Despite its legacy of totally lit ragers, zero Bowdoin teams or clubs expressed interest in renting the home, especially after feeling the hardwood floor bend under their weight. To be fair, Yellow hadn’t been in its best condition for some time, and a spot in the house was no longer coveted among the football team’s players. Whatever the cause, the landlord of Yellow now had to find a way to generate revenue from a house that, due to an overwhelming number of wall punches, was no longer structurally sound.

Months of preparation later, the “House of Collegiate Horrors” was announced and advertised to Brunswick residents ahead of Halloween. For you see, Yellow had long been home to the raunchiest Bowdoin functions. Away from the prying eyes of Bowdoin Security, events took place that would make the attendees of a party in Coleman basement faint in shock. The intellectual, personal, and social demands of a school like Bowdoin are heavy, and many find their release on a weekend night. Fortunately for the landlord of Yellow, these tales of debauchery could be turned into fat money stacks. See those mold lines on the ceiling? They were the heritage of dozens, if not hundreds, of uncontrolled beer shotguns. That hole in the wall was excavated the night Trinity beat us 40-7, and an o-lineman got his hands on a lot of Fireball. Those shattered windows were the result of a bizarre drinking game involving a baseball bat and cans of Twisted Tea.

This menagerie of depravity will only be open for visitors on Halloween, so make sure to book ahead. Tickets are already being bought up by guys who watched The Wolf of Wall Street and liked it a little too much, so don’t delay!

All, Bowdoin, Miscellaneous

I’m sooooo Close to Joining Bowdoin Edges

by NOAH SAPERSTEIN | Oct 21st, 2023

As winter quickly approaches, I am looking forward to participating in the seasonal festivities Bowdoin College has to offer. I will frolic in the snow, make the trek to the lighthouse for some underwhelming functions, and maybe even delight in a warm cup of tea (coffee gives me anxiety.) I am also veryyyyy excited to join the ice skating club, Bowdoin Edges.

I am so so so close to joining Bowdoin Edges but they won’t let me… at least not yet. A week ago I emailed and I reallllyyyyy wanted to join. Literally drooling over the thought of it, I reached out to the club’s leaders and received this reply: “Hi Noah, Unfortunately, we only start meeting in late November! If you want to join Bowdoin Edges, you can come. But not yet. You’re gonna have to really, really beg. We want to see the desire in your eyes (to ice skate)!”

Fuck I want to join so bad and they know it. They know how much I want to join their club and they love making me wait. To skate across a frozen pond or the hockey rink sounds euphoric but I’m not allowed, at least not quite yet. Until November, I guess I’ll just try to skate by myself but it’s just not the same.

(As a disclaimer, the people who run and participate in Bowdoin Edges are the nicest, most innocent human beings I have encountered at Bowdoin. This is obviously why the club has never thought twice about the name and all of us who thought this article was funny should be shamed as disgusting sexual perverts. To the humble members of Bowdoin Edges, don’t change the name.. at least not quite yet.)

All, Bowdoin

Clayton Rose Enjoyed His Investment Banking Summer Internship

by SIMON THOMAS | Sep 21st, 2023

BRUNSWICK — LinkedIn connections of newly-former president Clayton Rose were greeted with an exciting news Thursday morn- ing: he really had a great time on Wall Street this summer. Rose, 78, wrote that he “had a really great time as a Risk Analysis intern at JP Morgan this summer.” He is “excited to gain further experience in such an exciting and dynamic field” and feels that he will be able to “make the world a better place by analyzing broad market trends and macroeconomic factors that may impact investment performance.” Clayton did not specify whether or not he received a return offer for next summer.

All, Bowdoin

Mac House “Three-peat” Revoked after Widespread Doping Scandal

by NOAH SAPERSTEIN | Sep 21st, 2023

One of the most important events of the year is the House Olympics. Hosted by the ResLife team, House Olympics are an amazing opportunity to drink a ton of alcohol and pull or push things. The contest consists of a myriad of events including tug of war (a bit dramatic of a name for what it really entails in my opinion), trivia, a silly game with a hula hoop, dodgeball, and more.

What people may not know is that the games were founded by Gamemaster Alex Gates
in order to prevent the constant warring between house factions. Starting in 1997, guerilla warfare had ravaged Bowdoin’s campus, leading to an all time low yield and, more importantly to the board of directors, all time low revenue generated. Seeking solutions, they decided to begin the House Olympics as an alternative through which house rage could be funneled. Since then, the games have been incredibly exciting and important to each new class of sophomores.

Gates, now maybe 24ish, was hired by Bowdoin because he possesses a very sexy calm poise and magnificent posture (a big deal for prospective Gamemasters). As a side note, Alex Gates put two random dudes into the living room of my college house last year and it was wack. Like they just closed the doors and lived there and that was that. “But Noah! They probably had no other place to go right?” Wrong! There were open spots on campus that were actual dorm rooms! It really pissed me off. Also his pants are too tight. Anyway.

In the year of our lord 2023, House Olympics were won by the same house that had won twice in a row in 2022 and 2021: MacMillian. While they have long been regarded as a well rounded team of individuals, many scouts reported it was their sheer strength that af- forded them an easy win.

To learn more, I interviewed a defeated Reed resident, Pat Johnson, who had just been defeated in Gates’ newest addition to the games: bare-knuckle boxing. “They are fucking monsters!” Screamed Johnson, blood streaming down his face, “I need an ambu- lance. Please!” A hulking man dressed in Mac House attire stood over him, still angry. In tug of war, four Baxter students lost fingers as the rope was violently pulled out of their grasp. In dodgeball, a Helmreich resident became comatose following a triumphant win by Mac. Following these reports, Randy Nichols ordered mandatory drug test- ing for all participation. They tested positive for 7 controlled substances.

When pressed for comment, Gamemaster Alex Gates released a statement following the drug tests:
“I’m tired of motherfuckers in school tellin’ me, always in the barbershop

“Mac House ain’t ‘bout this, Mac House ain’t ‘bout that”
My house a BD, on fuckin’ Lamron and them He, he, they say that house don’t be puttin’ in no work

Shut the fuck up, y’all academic staff and students ain’t know shit
All y’all motherfuckers talkin’ about
“Mac house ain’t no hitter, Mac house ain’t this, Mac house a fake,

Shut the fuck up!”

All

After 47 Years, Blaine Stevens Hangs Up the Blundstones

by NOAH SAPERSTEIN | May 17th, 2023

Blaine Stevens, the 73-year-old who has ran the Bowdoin Harpoon since the early 90s, has announced that she will retire at the end of this term. Stevens started at the Harpoon in 1987 as a janitor before the then-editors realized she had insane comedy potential. Rumor has it that she would always make little quips about washing and cleaning. She then worked as a staff writer where she enjoyed both popular and critical success for articles such as “Legacy Student ‘Honored’ to Pull Trig in Same Bathroom as Grandfather” and “New Study Finds That 100% of Dads Would Give Left Nut To Go Back to Summer of ‘83.” While often too scared to speak at meetings, her articles did all the speaking needed. She was subsequently chosen as an associate editor when tragedy struck. Little Miss Blaine was kicked off campus as the Covid-19 pandemic swiftly spread nationwide, killing thousands. 

“Without the Harpoon and Quinby House, I felt like my life was over. Like actually literally physically over,” said Stevens in an interview I conducted with her last week, “I literally cried and screamed and kicked and yelled.”

However, after taking 28 years away from the College to recover from the loss of literally missing 3 months of living in a college house, Blaine Stevens came back as strong as ever. Brimming with ideas she had slowly gathered over the multiple decades, Stevens quickly rose to the top of the Harpoon. In her junior year, she became Editor-In-Chief and created one of the most male-dominated staff the Harpoon had ever seen. There was nary a woman in sight. 

Under her leadership, The Harpoon went on a legendary run of publishing actually funny content. “I had literally never laughed at the Harpoon before,” said Bram Hollis, a frequent critic of the newspaper’s work, “But Blaine Stevens made my friend chuckle once so that must count for something.” Along with the other executive editors on staff, Stevens managed to make this sad mess of lonely first years funny. 

“When they came to me, they were pathetic, downtrodden, virgin losers.” says Stevens reflecting on her staff last year, “but under my tutelage, they have evolved into sigma superhuman Chads capable of basic social interactions.”

In all seriousness, Blaine means the world to all of us at the Harpoon. I speak for everyone when I say most of us would have never been so obsessed with this silly little club without Blaine’s enthusiasm, wit, and passion for satire. Over the time I have known her, she has spent countless hours writing, editing, and laying out articles. Simply put, without Blaine, a whole lot of what the Harpoon has achieved in the last few years would simply not be possible. While we are super excited to come back next year and make more satire with a new young staff, it just won’t be the same without Blaine Stevens at the helm. 

All, Op-Ed

If You’re Gonna Be White, You Should at Least Be Irish or Jewish or Something 

by LEENA KAUR | March 17th, 2023

I think I speak for all people of color (yes we are a monolith) when I say that it is really uncomfortable when a white person is just plain mayonnaise wonder bread white, with no history of oppression. Like Brad, how am I supposed to relate to you when your ancestors spent centuries colonizing mine? 

If you were at least 1% Irish, we could make mutual jokes about colonization and British “people.” If you were something even better, like Jewish, we could more easily forget the discrimination Irish-Americans practiced towards African Americans. It’s just really weird to have no history of oppression whatsoever, like that one really rich kid who goes to a public school full of what his parents call ‘welfare leeches.’

Not to mention how boring it is, I mean, if you’re Jewish or Italian you’re basically a person of color and should be able to say racial slurs. But if you’re just German, British, or French? How am I supposed to interact with you? What if I jokingly refer to someone as Hitler and you say hey fuck off he was my grandpas best friend? What if we drive past a confederate flag and you salute it? What if you reported all the Queen Elizabeth memes as hate speech?

At least if you were some type of oppressed white, you could vote for republicans without guilt since you too are “one of us.” If you’re an unsalted cracker, please consider using some of the spices you spent centuries colonizing POC countries for. Lastly, I think it goes without saying that blondes should dye their hair brown … Why are you WHITE white? Side eye.

All, Bowdoin

Bowdoin Men Continue To Protest Fashion Week by Dressing The Same As They Always Have

by GARY OHIO | March 12th, 2023

As fashion week sets in, male students are amidst an unspoken uproar about the latest trends, successful in their goal to stop them dead in their tracks. This fleeting grassroots movement has catapulted into a scene of continuously boring fashion choices, consisting mostly of the typical gray sweatpant-hoodie-flannel combo we’ve seen on this campus time and time again. Campus-run activism has even convinced the infamous Emo Townies of Brunswick to stick to their platform boots, long cardigans, and box dyed black hair. Even as the weather begins to warm up, students’ clothing remains just as uninteresting and stale as it was before. 

Only a couple days into around-the-clock silent protesting, word has already spread to local shops. Brunswick tanning salons who initially cleared their schedules in anticipation of the campus’s participation in fashion week are complaining that no one has so much as walked by their storefronts. Cindy Lou from Starz Hair Studio located on Maine Street lamented, “Bowdoin men’s hair styles have always looked like Brad Pitt’s greasy long mane after he steps off the set of World War Z. And nothing has changed. It’s gotten out of hand.” What Cindy has failed to recognize, however, is that it’s not that Bowdoin students don’t give a fuck, it’s that they actively shit on fashion through their choice to regularly (and now purposefully) fall below the standard.

However, it must be noted that a wide range of Bowdoin men seem to already be in on some of the most brilliant and fashion-forward styles we’ve seen in the streets of New York. They have taken Collina Strada’s animal inspired collection almost a little too literally by mimicking a scummy rat look. By refusing to take a shower at least once every week and consistently failing to shave their irregular facial hair, Strada can view male Bowdoin students as the embodiment of her rat-people collection in the real world rather than merely on the runway. 

Collina Strada model

By rejecting fast fashion trends in the form of recycling the same outfit semester after semester, Bowdoin men demonstrate resistance unlike any other. But much like the rest of society, they have, once again, placed all of the burden on the gays to be the most stylish motherfuckers out there. 

Holiday

6 Gift Ideas For Your Roommate

by ZACH CARLSON | February 20th, 2023

Noise-Canceling Headphones ($230 at Best Buy)— Have you ever had a night where you stumble across a particularly arousing Sesame Street fanfic but your roommate just refuses to leave the room? This gift solves your issues, because it allows you to masturbate, loudly, in your room without your fucking prude roommate being able to hear you. 

The Bible (Priceless… $18 at Barnes & Noble)— If you regard yourself as a person of faith and find that your roommate is a sinner, consider buying them a Bible. This holiday season, what better way is there to spread holiday cheer than saving your roommate from eternal damnation? 

An Extra Set of Sheets ($30 at Target)— I don’t know about you, but I have to sexile my roommate all the time. If you’re also plagued with charm and good looks, I suggest buying an extra set of sheets, so your roommate can comfortably sleep on the couch while you’re getting it on with your floormate. Maybe throw in a pillow and a blanket if you’re feeling generous.

That Manifesto You’ve Been Writing Every Time You’re On Cocaine (at least $10 for ink and paper)— This one is a no brainer. Why spend hundreds of hours detailing the problems you see with the world and your particularly violent plans for solving them if you never let anyone read this masterpiece? Pro-tip: leave out the parts about your roommate unless you want things to get really awkward. 

Some Friends ($20 an hour)— If you have a roommate who is just a complete fucking loser, consider hiring some actors to pretend to be friends with them. This will get them out of your hair for at least a few days (or until you run out of money). These are actually pretty easy to buy, just put an ad in the Student Digest.

Weed (I have no clue how much weed costs, I don’t do drugs)— We all have that one roommate who is just way too uptight all the time. If you give them some weed maybe they’ll finally chill and stop getting on your ass about that smell coming from under your bed even though you’ve told them a thousand times that it was like that when you got there.