Scientists at MIT were excited to announce today that they have created an artificial intelligence with the capacity to understand and actually experience love. The researches were unable to explain why the robot is exclusively infatuated with actor Justin Long.
“What we’ve done here is amazing. It’s revolutionary,” said head researcher Jane Cox. “This discovery should not be undercut by the machine’s intense and aggressively sexual feelings for Mr. Long”
At press time, the robot repeatedly rubbed itself while demanding Justin Long be brought before it. Long could not be reached for comment as no human really wanted to interact with him.
Howell, Bowdoin’s chem-free College House, is now facing disciplinary action for pressuring affiliates to engage in games of water pong.
“They took us all down into the dark basement and turned on the lights to reveal a bunch of tables covered in cups set up in triangles,” said one affiliate. “None of us knew what we were supposed to do. They gave us all ping pong balls and made us throw them into the cups full of water. It was terrifying.”
“I can’t believe how much water I had to drink. Imagine if it that had been alcohol. What psycho could drink that much?” said another affiliate. “The house members told us it was what all the cool kids do. I just wanted to be cool.”
Bowdoin College does not tolerate drinking games, no matter how hydrating those games may be
The college has asked Director of Hazing Anjulee Lalani to step down amid the scandal and is looking into severe punishment for the House members.
Following the popularity of chem-free floors, Bowdoin ResLife announced Monday that it will be offering math-free housing.
“Some students are uncomfortable around heavy math usage, and Bowdoin should accommodate that,” said Director of ResLife Forest Davidson. “Students upset by titration and redox reactions found a safe space in the chem-free dorms. If a student doesn’t want to sleep where people are deriving the quadratic formula then they shouldn’t have to.”
The admissions office defended the need for math-free housing. “We’re admitting many students who ‘aren’t really numbers people,’ and ‘only took intro calc’ senior year,’ and they may be most comfortable on floors where other students aren’t staying up late and making a racket trying to solve Fermat’s conjecture,” said Dean of Admissions Britney Basque.
A threatening sight to many students
One common question on campus is whether students living in math-free housing can still go to College House mathletics events. A first-year student living on a chem-free floor said, “We don’t do chemistry on the floor, but most of us go out to the most lit labs on the weekend. We’re pretty social.” ResLife officials assured students that math-free students would be free to do math—just not on the floor.
An intoxicated male student was transported from Reed House last Saturday. The physician on call diagnosed the student a “fuckin’ wimp.”
“Yeah, what’s with this kid”, said Dr. Robert Dennison III, the emergency physician who treated the student. “I’m fifty-eight and could handle more. There’s no excuse for coming in at 10:30pm on a Saturday after just two shots and a couple of beers – no excuse.”
The Bowdoin Harpoon has reached out to the student but he has neglected to offer any comments on the diagnosis, likely due to that fact that he’s a fuckin’ wimp.
After Donald Trump secured his victory on Tuesday night, Vice President-Elect Mike Pence celebrated with friends and family at his favorite NYC gay bar, The Cornhole. The bar hosted the party as repayment for Pence’s many years of patronage to the establishment.
“Mondays through Sundays are for the boys” – Mike Pence
“I couldn’t imagine a better place to celebrate,” said Mr. Pence on Tuesday, surrounded by his wife, children, and an assortment of heavily oiled men. “The Cornhole has meant so much to me throughout my life. It’s been a second home ever since I was a wild young man looking to meet other wild young men.”
Pence usually only stops in on Wet & Wild Wednesdays but stated that this was a special occasion.
The Bowdoin Bubble is set to undergo routine maintenance and upgrades starting this Saturday and continuing through the following week, announced Facilities Management.
The bubble protects us. The bubble loves us.
Facilities warned that during this time students may experience a range of strange phenomena, ranging from a few inconvenient truths to full blown reality. The college, however, is fully equipped to deal with the mechanical and emotional inconveniences that often arise during Bubble upkeep.
The community can also expect some “fun new features” to be added to The Bubble, such as “social media synchronization” and “personalized reality filtration.” Overall though, Facilities Management stresses that this is a temporary Bubble outage and full-world insulation will be restored and fully functioning by next Sunday.
The mother of presidential hopeful Gary Johnson was seen in Safe-Way buying cupcakes, off-brand soda, and a participation medal for her son.
Mr. Johnson is always excited for Safe-Way cupcakes
“I just thought he deserved something for getting this far, even if it means I have to go out of my way to get to the store,” said Mrs. Johnson. “I think it’s really special that he’s out there trying his best.”
Mr. Johnson has not been able to retrieve the medal due to the fact that he was unable to locate North Dakota, his home state, on a map.
Freshman hockey player Jack Levine was spotted Saturday morning departing on the Amtrak Northeast Regional train to Boston where he was met by two of his three loving children and his four grandchildren.
A photograph of the freshman
Upon arriving at his son’s home in Waltham, Mass., Levine took a two-hour nap in the guest bedroom. Later, Levine was sighted playing scrabble with his grandchildren before visiting his family’s lawyer to finalize his will. After making plans to play golf with the attorney the following day, Levine returned to his son’s home for a late 5:45pm dinner.
After a relaxing weekend with his children, grandchildren, and attorney, Levine returned to Winthrop Hall where, sources confirmed, he taped a sheet of paper to the outside of his door, labeling his room, “The Fornication Station.”
Local teen Tyler Silver has saved up enough money to purchase a pre-owned Honda Odyssey. The minivan is reportedly a total fuck wagon.
“Honestly, I can’t think of Tyler’s car without getting wet,” said Martha Farley, Silver’s calculus teacher. “Last week I saw him parallel park that thing. The car was so big and that space was so God damn tight. It was like I was hiding Niagara Falls in my panties.”
While “Fuck Truck” is a more accurate name for the vehicle, Honda executives felt “Odyssey” would play better with consumers
“It’s not always easy driving a car that’s such a bone machine,” said Silver. “Every once in a while I’d like to just cruise into the Trader Joe’s parking lot without girls shoving their breasts against my windshield. It’s hard to balance friends, homework, and the unending onslaught of pussy that is the inevitable consequence of driving a 2005 Honda Odyssey”
Honda CEO Takahiro Hachigo regrets not warning customers of the overwhelming sexual magnetism of the Odyssey. “We could not have foreseen the sheer sexiness of this car. Individually, of course, the automatic sliding doors are erotic, the built in DVD player is hot, and the ample leg room would get anyone worked up, but by combining all of these amazing features into one fuel efficient minivan, we’ve created a vehicle that taps into something primal, something that, frankly, can’t be controlled.”
The Bowdoin Harpoon 
