Author: The Bowdoin Harpoon

All, Bowdoin

Straight Guy Works Up Courage to Enter Women’s Resource Center Photo-Shoot Alone

By THE BOWDOIN DOUGHFACE May 4, 2016

Onlookers applauded and cheered as sophomore male Richard Little entered the Women’s Resource Center nude photo-shoot alone.

Sources say that Little pumped himself up for 15 minutes near the Café, while muttering to himself, “It’s OK to go in, they want us to look at the exhibition, it’s not creepy.” Little reportedly walked toward the entrance of the gallery and back to the Café more than seven times.

WRC Photoshoot
                                          Illustrated by Blanche Froelich

Little is the first straight male Bowdoin student to see the gallery of the fully naked female students without the accompaniment of a female friend or at least two other males. Once inside, Little walked slowly around the room, making sure not to look at a particular image for too long or breathe audibly. After an uncomfortable three minutes, Little left the gallery and walked out of the Union as quickly as he could.

When asked for comment after the incident, Little started to say that the gallery made him realize that naked female bodies aren’t inherently sexual objects, but when senior Harriet Yoni walked by, Little turned red in the face, looked at the ground, and shuffled his feet.

All, U.S.

Study: People Who Eat Ice Cream Live Longer Than People With Terminal Illness

By ANDREW MCGOWAN May 3, 2016

After months of work, researchers at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology have made the groundbreaking discovery that people who regularly eat ice cream almost always live longer than people with terminal illnesses.

“This is a major breakthrough for the scientific community. No one could have predicted these results,” said Josh Campbell, a member of the MIT research team.

Ice Cream Eaters
                                   Illustrated by Blanche Froelich

To conduct the study, researchers visited Boston’s largest hospitals and interviewed an array of terminally ill patients. Many interviewees suspected they would die soon, likely due to their terminal illnesses.

The research done at Boston’s ice cream parlors produced different results. “It seemed like almost no one was going to die soon,” said Mr. Campbell.

Researchers also noted that in the hospitals many patients were severely underweight, some were even coughing up blood. At the ice cream parlors however, nobody coughed up any blood and a large number of the customers appeared overweight.

The researchers believe that this correlation might be related to ice cream toppings as many of the ice cream eaters had sprinkles, cherries or hot fudge on their cones, while sick were not able to eat ice cream, and thus did not consume any toppings. To study the effect of toppings on the terminally ill, researchers attempted to administer hot fudge and sprinkles into a patient’s IV tube, but the patient died in the process from, according to the researchers, unrelated causes.

The MIT scientists would like to conduct a long-term study, but the fatally ill patients keep dying before significant data can be collected.

 

All, Bowdoin

Sustainable Bowdoin Encourages Students to Pee in Shower

By ETHAN BEVINGTON May 3, 2016

In an effort to conserve water, Sustainable Bowdoin has begun a campaign encouraging students to pee in the shower.

Sustainable Bowdoin
                               Illustrated by Blanche Froelich

“It is critical that Bowdoin students be constantly aware of their impact on the Earth’s resources, especially when cleansing their naked bodies,” said student representative Daniella Roe.

“We thought the poster with the girl from Psycho would be effective,” continued Roe, “but we still think Bowdoin’s water use is too high. The college didn’t approve our shower buddies program, but this is the next best thing.”

“I’m holding in my pee in all day so I don’t use any water,” said another member. “I may get a UTI, but it will be worth it to save Mother Gaia.”

All, Op-Ed

Tequila, Beloved Friend and Hamster, Died on May 2, 2016

By ETHAN BEVINGTON May 3, 2016

As humans, we come into this world with very little direction. Hopefully, we have parents that set us on the proper path and friends to root for us. If we are lucky, we have people on our side, hoping for our success, but it is never certain. If there is one certainty in life though, it is that our pets are always on our side — even if owning them in a first year dorm is in direct violation of campus rules.

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Like any good friend, Tequila was always there for those who needed her. Whenever someone needed to avoid a problem set or take a break from a soul crushing Gender and Women’s Studies paper, she was there. Sure, saying her name caused security to come check to see if people were drinking in the room, but she was worth it.

If love is a journey, then loving Tequila was like climbing fucking Everest. She wouldn’t hydrate some days. Other days, she would pee on drunken guests who tried to hold her. Cleaning her cage was not exactly pleasant either.

Could anything ever fill the void left by such a presence? No. Not yet. She burrowed into our hearts much like she burrowed into her cage where she slept for twenty hours each day surrounded by her own feces.

Tequila is survived by her five mourning mothers. The service was brief, intimate, somber, and filled with Coldplay. The casket that now holds her cold, stiff body came from the finest corks, popsicle sticks, and hot glue the Craft Center had to offer.

In light of this campus tragedy, we should all be reminded that, some day, we will all go into that good night, hamster and human alike. Death waits for us all.

Bowdoin Counseling Services are available to all students affected by this tragedy.

All, U.S.

Mitch McConnell Returns from Kenyan Vacation

By ETHAN BEVINGTON May 2, 2016

After a brief vacation Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell has returned from his vacation to Kenya.

“It was nice to take some time to get away from it all,” said McConnell. “And by ‘it all,’ I mean all of the Congressional responsibilities I should be fulfilling. People have no idea that doing so little takes so much out of you. Preventing the Constitutional process of appointment has made this week particularly exhausting.”

Screen Shot 2016-05-01 at 8.18.59 PM
                         A Photograph from McConnell’s Kenyan Vacation

When asked about what he thought of Kenya, he responded, “There were more white people than I expected, which was really nice. You would think that Obama’s homeland would be full of other Muslims, but I did not see a single Mosque.”

McConnell continued, “I wish we would have seen some animals on our safari. I paid some brown guy to drive us around in his truck and all we saw was fat white people in floral print shirts. That’s not the kind of white rhino I wanted to see.”

When asked about why his photo was in front of sign that said Hawaii, McConnell responded, “That’s how you say Kenya in Kenyan, everyone knows that.”

All, Op-Ed

“Saudi Arabia? More Like Loudy Arabia,” Says Neighbor Oman

By THE SULTANATE OF OMAN May 2, 2016

Fuck you, Saudi Arabia.

Hey there, it’s me, the friendly Sultanate of Oman. You may know me for not being the 1976 cult horror film, The Omen, or by confusing me with Yemen. But no, my confused American, I have beautiful beaches and I rank 74th in the World Peace Index. You should visit us! Please.

oman-MMAP-md
                                My Tinder Profile Picture

When it comes to Saudi Arabia, however, Oman does not give a shit about being “peaceful.”

You see, this whole ordeal started last Tuesday night. I had work the next morning and I went to bed on the early side. But around 11 pm, Saudi began blasting Michael Bublé! Who the fuck booms Michael Bublé at 11 pm on a Tuesday night? Not even Michael Bublé’s crotchety-ass mother, Amber! And even if she did, Michael would say, “Not now, Amber, it’s 11 pm on a Tuesday Night! What the fuck, Amber.”

So, I did as any good neighbor would do and called Saudi. And do you know what Saudi did? Saudi put me on hold. And guess what music Saudi played when I was on hold. Michael Bublé.

When I finally got Saudi Arabia, they denied playing the Bubs! They said, “Nah man, that was just some late night beheading.” Really? A beheading at 11 pm on Tuesday. Does Saudi Arabia think Oman is a fool?

All, Bowdoin

Straight White Male Athletes Finally Get Chance to Be Offended

By HUGO HENTOFF April 25, 2016

After The Bowdoin Orient published an article entitled, “Sports at Bowdoin Perpetuate a Culture of Division,” straight white male athletes rejoiced as they finally got the opportunity to be offended by something.

Straight white male athletes
                            Illustrated by Blanche Froelich

“I’ve never been able to be part of a marginalized group before, it’s very exciting,” said Keith, a lacrosse player from Connecticut. “I’ve always been jealous of minority groups for getting to be offended by stuff, so this is pretty great.”

Many of the straight white male athletes hurt by the orient article have attempted to create safe spaces, but their lack of experience in constructing healing environments has made this endeavor difficult. “We tried to make a space where other straight white male athletes could openly talk about their problems,” said Kyle, a hockey player from Connecticut, “but, in trying to create an atmosphere where we felt comfortable, we kept accidentally opening Vineyard Vines franchises.”

Because the controversy surrounding the Orient article has died down recently, straight white male athletes are currently hoping for new opportunities to be offended. “I’m really praying for a few anti-Caucasian hate crimes,” said Kevin, a crew rower from Connecticut, “but I don’t want to get ahead of myself.”

All, Op-Ed

Why Did You Let Me Sleep on the Couch Again?

By PAUL GARLICK April 25, 2016

I woke up on the couch this morning. Again. Why did my roommate let me sleep there? He knows I have back problems, and I know he saw me sleeping there. I haven’t felt this sore since last weekend, when he left me on the couch. Maybe wake me up next time, ok?

Why did you let me sleep on the couch again
                           Illustrated by Blanche Froelich

The couch is a hard place to understand. After crawling back to your dorm from whatever party you attended, taking a nap on the couch seems like a good decision. It’s easy. It’s convenient. You’re tired. You just need a minute on the couch. But, when you sleep on that couch, it will come back at you with a fiery vengeance. You’ll wake up sore, confused, and significantly more tired than you were the night before. You will regret absolutely everything about the experience, and the worst part is it would not have happened had your roommate cared.

If your roommate doesn’t wake you up from the couch, there is no clearer sign that they hate you with a passion deep in the core of their cold, dead heart. It’s the only reason they would let you sleep in such an unforgiving, inhospitable place. How many times has my roommate heard me complaining about waking up on the couch again? Too many. And how many times has he woken me up after seeing me asleep on the couch? Not once. He promised he would make sure that I made it to my bed, but he didn’t. I woke up in a hazy cloud, cold and shivering, yet again, with my faith in humanity crushed.

I TRUSTED YOU! I thought you really cared about me, but I was wrong. I was so, so wrong. You really just hate me. After all this time you’ve pretended to like me and just hid your hatred from me. You probably talk about me behind my back. Well, guess what? I HATE YOU TOO! I never liked you. I never want to see you or talk to you again, and now that I think about it, nowhere could possibly be as bad as any room you’re in. I’m sleeping on the couch for the rest of the year, so I never have to see your disgusting, backstabbing face again, you emotionless rat. Goodbye, Michael. Goodbye for good.

All, World

Celebrities Reveal Secret to Weight Loss: Genetics

By ETHAN BEVINGTON April 25, 2016

After extensive prying from media sources, actress Megan Fox revealed her secret to getting her incredible body: genetics.

“Once I discovered genetics, it changed my life,” said Fox. “If you’re tired of trying products that promise results but don’t deliver, you should try genetics.”

megan-fox-both-hands-kiss
          Side effects of genetics may include toe thumb

Fox continued, “Genetics is the easy, hassle-free method of getting a body you can be proud of. Why waste your time with healthy eating and exercise when you can lose weight today with genetics?”

“I too used to suffer from being ugly,” said another genetics spokesperson, Adam Levine. “Luckily, I started using genetics. After approximately five years of hard work, battling acne, baby fat, and prom, I achieved a body that makes pre-teens feel things that their parents won’t explain to them— all thanks to genetics.”

“If you want to be able to eat a wheelbarrow full of Olive Garden breadsticks and not gain a pound, then genetics is right for you,” concluded Fox.*

*Results may vary depending on parents, family health history, body-type, and the general lottery of birth

 

Image Source: http://meganfoxthumbs.com/megan-fox/megan-fox-thumbs.htm

 

All, Maine

Amazing! Man Finds True Love in Ditch

By JACK ARNHOLZ April 17, 2016

Local man Caleb Washington is celebrating his two-week anniversary of finding his true love in a ditch.

“It was incredible,” said Mr. Washington, describing the moment he fell in love with the cadaver. “I pulled over on the interstate outside of Sheboygan to take a leak, and I fell over and saw Monica. So pale. So stiff. So beautiful. She reminded me of my mother.” The ditch, located twenty feet away from the highway, is just over six inches deep. “I yelled, ‘Monica, what are you doing here? I thought you were in Tallahassee,’ but she just laughed. Well, she didn’t laugh exactly. Rain water just spewed out of her mouth.”

True Love Ditch
                                    Illustrated by Blanche Froelich

Police, who have identified the cadaver as Courtney Mott, suspect she had remained in the shallow ditch, unnoticed, for months. Mr. Washington chuckled when he heard the police report. “They say she’s been there since October, which is just like Monica. She always does crazy things like that. Like two days ago, when we were having a staring contest, a maggot crawled out of her eyeball. Gosh, Monica is just so silly.”

Mr. Washington plans on marrying Courtney Mott’s cadaver in early summer. “Monica’s always wanted a June wedding,” he said. The nuptial plans have been put on hold for the moment, however, as Sheboygan police have taken Mr. Washington in for further questioning.