Author: The Bowdoin Harpoon

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50ish Things to Do Before You Graduate

September 2025

  1. Rollback DEI in your friend group 
  2. Feel unwelcome in Buck basement
  3. Act like you’re better than your friends for not going abroad.
  4. Get stuck in your hammock and emerge a beautiful butterfly come spring. 
  5. Set up a camera on the quad for the first snow
  6. Write an OpEd for the Orient that no one will read or care about
  7. Write an article for the Harpoon that’s so offensive it causes someone else to write an OpEd for the Orient that people actually do read and care about
  8. Join club basketball and get rimmed in multiple ways
  9. Prolong your inevitable demise
  10. Bong rip in the Chapel 
  11. Get recircumcised
  12. Lose yourself spiritually but also to the music
  13. Regrout the Osher 1st bathroom
  14. Bring balance to the force
  15. Lick every surface of Bax basement
  16. Give up on the dream
  17. Meet with Balkan shaman Sßövdn in the Albanian Alps and realize that the dream is still alive 
  18. Mow down 3 first years on their way to Thorne with your bike 
  19. Destroy the sith 
  20. Lose your virginity to Broccoli by DRAM ft. Lil Yachty
  21. Lose your virginity to a broccoli 
  22. Try every chutney. Life’s too short.
  23. Change your sheets
  24. Use your influence as the BSG First Year Rep to bring back COVID mandates
  25. Be at home in all lands and all ages
  26. Start beef with a vegetarian
  27. Become the ultimate authority on the circumcision debate
  28. Debate the ethics of circumcision with visiting philosophy professor Max DuBoff
  29. Enroll in the United MileagePlus program
  30. Earn platinum status on United Airlines
  31. Apply for the United Explorer Card
  32. Bong rip in the Chapel
  33. Serve your country
  34. Protest discrimination against Christians
  35. Spend the night in every first year brick
  36. Be the first Christian to sing the national anthem at the Bowdoin Colby hockey game
  37. Be the first Christian to join ultimate frisbee
  38. Be the first Christian to join an a Capella group
  39. Apple air tag your professor’s spouse
  40. Name a woman
  41. Bong rip in the Chapel
  42. Gut the Green New Deal
  43. Split a 5×5 U-Haul unit with 10 of your closest friends
  44. Take another crack at that Res Life Union, maybe it’ll be different this time!
  45. Be the person at the party to accidentally turn on the lights
  46. Lie to security while completely plastered 
  47. Actually marry your Marriage Pact 
  48. Count Nature a familiar acquaintance, and Art an intimate friend
  49. Take a piss in the lemonade at Lobster Bake
  50. Swing off the jumping bridge
  51. Join the Harpoon!

All, U.S., World

Trump Tariffs Make Everything Cheaper and Better and More Awesome

We don’t make anything anymore! Everything’s from Mexico or Africa or CHINA. We used to make things, and China would buy those things from us! It doesn’t happen like that anymore… But Trump is gonna change all that. Basically, we put a tariff on a country and they pay for it. Let’s say you wanna buy a 50 inch flat screen OLED display television from Samsung. It costs $200. If we do a 50% tariff on China, that means they pay for half of it. So you get the TV for $100! Now that Trump is President, a guy like me can get a new TV for half off! I’ve wanted a new TV for a while, and I know that millions of good, god-fearing Americans want the same things that I want. Trump’s gonna give it to us, and we’re gonna love it!

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All, Bowdoin, Miscellaneous

Alert! Your Girlfriend’s Birthday Was Yesterday

BRUNSWICK, ME–I realized something was off with my girlfriend on a weekend trip to Canada with the boys. While I was getting crunked on the streets of Montreal with the boys, my girlfriend’s disposition became noticeably different. She was upset and frustrated and it almost seemed like my drunk calls at 1am from the streets of Montreal were not only not making her feel better, but actually making her feel worse. I could not figure out what was happening and everytime I asked she responded with “I’m fine” which seemed to be pretty conclusive evidence that she was totally okay. Yet finally I figured it out–she told me that I had gone to Montreal to get ham-sauced with the boys on her 20th birthday. 

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All, Bowdoin, Miscellaneous

Bowdoin Appoints Dean of Dean of Dean of Students 

On Tuesday, President Zaki announced that Bowdoin would be creating a new and important position at the college: the Dean of Dean of Dean of Students. In her email, President Zaki explained that “this position will help our Dean of Dean of Students supply specific and broad support to the Dean of Students.”

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All, Bowdoin, Miscellaneous, U.S.

I Had Phone Sex With My Alumni Connection 

After a year of telling my parents that my Gender, Sexuality, and Women’s Studies major would lead to job prospects it was finally time to tap into the illustrious Bowdoin alumni network at Sophomore Bootcamp. I immediately felt out of place as my finance bro friends regaled me with stories of snorting lines and doing time in minimum security prisons with their alumni connections. I felt lost, searching for a connection that would appreciate feminist literature as much as I do (6’ 3” btw). 

Continue reading “I Had Phone Sex With My Alumni Connection “ →