On Tuesday, President Zaki announced that Bowdoin would be creating a new and important position at the college: the Dean of Dean of Dean of Students. In her email, President Zaki explained that “this position will help our Dean of Dean of Students supply specific and broad support to the Dean of Students.”
Continue reading “Bowdoin Appoints Dean of Dean of Dean of Students “Category: All

After a year of telling my parents that my Gender, Sexuality, and Women’s Studies major would lead to job prospects it was finally time to tap into the illustrious Bowdoin alumni network at Sophomore Bootcamp. I immediately felt out of place as my finance bro friends regaled me with stories of snorting lines and doing time in minimum security prisons with their alumni connections. I felt lost, searching for a connection that would appreciate feminist literature as much as I do (6’ 3” btw).
Continue reading “I Had Phone Sex With My Alumni Connection “
- Pee in the Hungarian Mushroom Soup
- Pee in the Seafood Chowder
- Pee in the Curry Pumpkin Bisque (V)
- Pee in the Lentil Soup (VE)
- Pee in the Potato Leek Soup (V)
- Pee in the Three Bean Chilli
- Pee in the Four Bean Chilli
- Pee in the French Onion Soup
- Pee in the Gulf of Maine Fish Chowder
- Pee in the Cream of Chicken Soup

In a surprising turn of events, Burnett House has been replaced with a giant pile of sand. The pile is about 35 feet tall, and around 7000 square feet, essentially replicating the exact dimensions of Burnett House but in sand. It’s like if the house had never existed and instead there was just a house-sized pile of sand, but no one could live in it and it no longer had a dumpster where I could throw out the trash from my off-campus house.
Continue reading “Burnett House Replaced With Giant Pile of Sand”At last week’s pub trivia battle, a formidable group of five massive nerds easily defeated all the pathetic average nerds to claim the pub trivia title. The winning group of massive nerds, who go by team name ‘Making it Trivial’, displayed impressive knowledge of U.S. presidents, African world capitals, and the Olympic Games, while the teams composed of average nerds had friends and hobbies in high school.
Continue reading “Massive Nerds Defeat Average Nerds to Win Pub Trivia”
New data from a psych student’s honors project has illuminated interesting statistics about campus sex trends. The survey, which had a record high 0.8% response rate, asked students to disclose details about their most recent sexual encounters. Participants shared what outfit they were wearing, what music they were listening to, what they ate for dinner, and what building they were in when they were solicited for sex.
Continue reading “Study Shows The Best Way to Get Laid Is Wearing Your Class Hoodie”Now, if you have an iPhone 15 Pro or iPhone 16, you have the option to generate your own custom emojis using Apple Generative AI. These AI emojis, called genmojis, are the cutest thing to hit the internet since puppy gifs! The Harpoon staff and I compiled this list of prompts to generate the absolute most adorable genmojis to send to your special someone, friends, or family members this Valentine’s Day.
Continue reading “Top 5 Genmojis to Send to Your Valentine”Overalls, rated dead last for pieces of clothing you want to be wearing if you need to quickly pee, have become popular among the student body. Originally designed to protect wearers from injury while farming, fishing, or mining, overalls now serve as an easily identifiable marker of someone who went on a multi-thousand dollar outdoor leadership program during their gap year.
While overalls may seem impractical for Bowdoin students engaged in a life of little to no physically demanding work, they served highly useful for one student last Thursday.
Patt A. Gonia, a first-year in Professor Aviva Briefel’s Victorian Ghosts and Monsters course in the English department, came to class last week sporting his finest pair of Carhart overalls. The usual lecture material analyzing the ghosts and ghouls emerging from the pages of Victorian narratives turned unexpected when Professor Briefel dropped a gallon of cow manure at each students’ desk and instructed them to follow her to the quad for a tilling competition.
Most students in the class were woefully unprepared for the surprise cow manure spreading activity, dawning two-piece outfits that left a gaping hole between their jeans and hoodie that was quickly infiltrated by copious amounts of fertilizing animal feces.
Patt, however, could be seen smiling ear to ear. “I knew a day like this would come,” he remarked. His one-piece, heavyweight bib overalls provided ample durability and protection, allowing him to easily spread the cow manure across his plot of land without fear of shit seeping into any exposed areas of skin. He easily won the manure spreading competition.

First-Year Tim Jones, widely considered the stupidest student on campus, was spotted proudly sporting a “You Belong at Bowdoin” crewneck last Thursday. “I just think everyone should feel like they totally belong here, both socially and academically,” said Jones, who is generally regarded by the student body as both a social outcast and academically incompetent.
Continue reading “Dumbest Person on Campus Proudly Wears “You Belong At Bowdoin” Merch”Maybe you had a few too many shots at your pre-game. Maybe the keg stand at Lighthouse was a bad idea. Maybe you’re just clumsy as shit. One way or another, we or a loved one have dropped a cup in the dining hall and attracted the attention of every man, woman, child, and squirrel in a 10 mile radius. It’s a heinous crime that many of us are guilty of. But this attack on eardrums ends now. The Office of Safety and Security has rolled out its newest initiative to make Bowdoin a safer place for all. Anyone who drops a cup in the dining hall will now be shot point blank.
Continue reading “New Security Measure: Anyone Who Drops a Cup in Thorne Will be Shot Point Blank”