By JACK ARNHOLZ May 8, 2017

Bowdoin College has decided that the Alliance for Sexual Assault Prevention (ASAP) will no longer serve as a campus-wide programming organization. Reports have confirmed that the College did not ask for students’ consent before making this decision.

“ASAP is changing, and students are probably fine with that,” said Director of Gender Violence Prevention and Education Veronica Matthews. “I mean, we asked a group of students if we could disband the program and one guy who was texting kind of nodded his head, clearly indicating affirmative consent.”

Matthews also announced that the administration plans to merge the Center for Gender Violence Prevention and Education with the men’s hockey team.

By CHRISTIAN FILTER May 5, 2017

In a highly controversial yet somewhat predictable move, the Bowdoin College Republicans and the Bowdoin Russian Club have decided to combine their organizations.

“The merge just made sense,” commented William Pemberton, a member of the Bowdoin College Republicans. “Both of our groups have very similar goals and ideas about the future. Honestly, it was kind of absurd that we had two separate clubs for so long.”

“It’s about time,” said the head of the Russian Club Allyson Federov. “We’ve basically been running their club for a year or two now, so it’s good to finally get the recognition we deserve.”

By SAM HALPERT May 4, 2017

Sources confirmed Tuesday that offensive lineman Alex Danello brought his tray of food over to the athlete section of Thorne before promptly ingesting his two plates of protein, his five cups of water, and all of his utensils.

Danello was later seen getting seconds of plates and cups. It is not uncommon for linemen to consume trays or even tables while trying to bulk up during the offseason. When asked about his diet, Danello said, “I try to keep a balanced diet. Forks and knives are excellent sources of iron and the plates fill me right up.”

At the end of lunch, Danello was seen pouring ketchup on a plump first-year. Sources were unable to confirm whether this act constituted preparation for a third course or if it was merely an incident of bullying.

By CHRISTIAN FILTER May 3, 2017

Earlier this week college officials announced that, starting in the fall of 2017, the tile floors in the first-year dorm showers will be replaced with a thick layer of miscellaneous pubic hair.

“This decision came after many hours of deliberation,” said a spokesperson for the College. “The current tile floors were very expensive, and they were already covered in a heavy coat of students’ pubic hair—so this solution is both cost-effective and sustainable.”

When asked about the sturdiness of the new surfaces, officials said that there would not be a problem as the pubic hair will be held together with plenty of semen provided by both the College and first-years who haven’t yet synced their roommates’ class schedules to their masturbation schedules.

By HAILEY WOZNIAK May 1, 2017

Director of Housing Melissa Sandal announced this week that the singles lottery for the dejected and unhoused will be taking place as a randomized match-making service this year.

“We kept seeing students show up with broken hearts and nowhere to live,” said Sandal, “and I knew that the college just had to do more. I had to do more.”

Students will receive two lottery numbers: one for their place in the housing queue, and another for the singles lottery. Students with matching numbers will have the evening to mingle and choose their rooms with their depressing new friends. However, students who don’t have chemistry with their partners will have to choose from an array of chem-free, love-free singles. Res life will be providing soft drinks, vitamin D tablets, and on-site support for these poor, poor wretches.

By HUGO HENTOFF Apr. 29, 2017

Bowdoin hockey player and free speech activist Chadley Worthington announced today that he will be singing every word to every A$AP Ferg song performed during the Saturday Ivies concert.

“Some people at this school are trying to tell me what I can and can’t sing, and I won’t stand for it,” said Worthington. “I’m going to exercise my constitutional right to yell along to the entire song, not just part of it. And no one can criticize me because that’s in the constitution.”

“I don’t see songs in terms of ‘black’ lyrics and ‘white’ lyrics,” Worthington continued. “To me, it’s all just music. I guess I’m color deaf.”

Although he had not been asked another question, Worthington continued to justify his decision. “It’s just, I don’t believe in musical discrimination, OK? If I sing along to Small Pools then I have to sing every single individual word of every A$AP Ferg song, even if it makes a few people uncomfortable. It’s what Martin Luther King would do.”

A fellow member of the hockey team commented, “Chad uses the n-word a lot anyway, so this really won’t be that different from any other day.”

By JACOB BASKES Apr. 28, 2017

Ivies marks the first time all semester that Professor Emily Malkin can justify coming to teach her only class, Color Theory and Surrealism in Austria, belligerently intoxicated.

Throughout the semester, Professor Malkin would drive to campus from Bath while taking swigs directly from a bottle of New Amsterdam Vodka. Amazingly, she was never apprehended by law enforcement and always arrived on time for her 2:30pm class. “My greatest fear in life is getting caught,” said Professor Malkin. “My second greatest fear is talking about color theory with a blood alcohol content lower than .15%.

Her consistent intoxication hasn’t gone unnoticed by her students. “We spent an entire hour and a half last week trying to the change the topic from the color purple,” said one student. “Every time anybody said the word, ‘purple,’ Professor Malkin would start to weep uncontrollably.”

This week, however, Professor Malkin and her students will be equally intoxicated.