By SEBASTIAN HERNANDEZ Mar. 1, 2017

Bowdoin Security reported catching four first year boys streaking across the snowy quad last Saturday at 1:00am. As punishment, the security officers forced the students to continue streaking in the snow.

Peter Richards ’20, one of the students reprimanded, commented, “Streaking was really fun until we realized that we probably couldn’t have kids anymore. Then we had to streak more and now we definitely can’t have kids.”

Richards claims to have started out very confident, but said that his confidence diminished at a rate proportional to the difference in temperatures between his genitalia and his surroundings.

“My junk has yet to emerge from my body,” Richards stated. “Yet again, I’m the only one to blame for my blue balls.”

Bowdoin College will not pursue further disciplinary action against the streakers, stating that frostbitten testicles are punishment enough.

By JAANA SINGH Feb. 26, 2017

After officially declaring her major in Government and Legal Studies, Sarah Cohen ‘19 took to social media to post an enthusiastic status about her novel academic endeavor.

Cohen described the decision to declare as an emotionally draining experience, despite not having any other potential major contenders to grapple with. “I really had to look within me, and decide who I was. After days of self-reflection, I realized that becoming a Government major was my destiny.”

Just 4 days after her announcement, Cohen has already prefaced nine political Facebook posts, “As a government and legal studies major…”

By JACK ARNHOLZ and JAANA SINGH Feb. 25, 2017

The Bowdoin Entertainment Board has announced that controversial Conservative pundit Milo Yiannopoulos will headline this year’s Ivies.

“A few months ago we didn’t think we would be able to get him,” said eBoard president Annette Williams, “but, due to recent events, we were able to get him really cheap.” Williams announced that Yiannopoulos’s act will include singing, dancing, and heiling.

Yiannopoulos’s representatives told the Harpoon, “Mr. Yiannopoulos is excited to perform for Bowdoin College. He is, however, disappointed he missed Masque & Gown’s production of Blown Youth.”

The event will be sponsored by Bowdoin’s Kaucasian Kulture Klub.

By SUMMERS ASKEW Feb. 24, 2017

Local pedophile Isaac Gables was incredibly disappointed after attending last weekend’s performance of Blown Youth. Produced by Masque and Gown, the show apparently “did not deliver what it promised,” and left the man “seriously frustrated.”

“Just to be clear, I mean sexually frustrated,” Gables clarified. “I really had my hopes up. I’m kind of a niche audience, so I appreciate a nod to my interests. Little did I know, this was all about women over the age of eighteen. What a rip-off.”

The Brunswick Police Department has stated that Gables will not be allowed on campus again, but did suggest that the theater group change the name of next fall’s production to prevent future misunderstandings. Masque and Gown’s fall 2017 production is currently titled, “Sex with Children.”

By JACK ARNHOLZ Feb. 23, 2017

Dean of Students Tim Foster has limited the number of students who can live with him off-campus to 200. “As much I love the Bowdoin community, my house cannot physically hold more than 200 kids,” said Dean Foster.

Bowdoin has seen an increase in the number of people living with Dean Foster in the past year. Students cite his home’s proximity to Brunswick, distance from Bowdoin security, and presence of Foster’s comforting smile as reasons for living there.

“It’s so awesome living with the Fosters. Sometimes, when I get scared at night, I crawl into their bed. Usually, there are already at least a dozen other students in there,” said Emmett Behar. “And he’s so easy to talk to. Did you know he went to a Waldorf school?”

Behar continued, “Do you know what the difference is between a house and home? I do. Home is where Dean Foster is.”

By ETHAN BEVINGTON Feb. 22, 2017

Bowdoin sophomore Kate Waters received the ever-helpful insight of checking eBear during her career planning meeting last Thursday.

“I mean, I never could have thought of that on my own,” said Waters. “I was just hoping to come in and get recommendations about a few internships in my field based on my qualifications, but instead I get to search through thousands of internships that I may or may not be qualified for and may not even be relevant to my field.”

“We strive to help all students achieve our dreams of working in finance or consulting,” said Tom Dole, a Career Planning employee. “We want each and every Bowdoin student to have the chance to live in the greater New York City or Boston area and have a meaningful, corporate life.”

“My career councilor told me to go to the Maine Employers fair,” said Waters. “I’m a Classics Major, but who knows what I might find.”

By RODGER HEIDGERKEN Feb. 17, 2017

In an attempt to diversify the Bowdoin community, admissions has announced that it will be not be admitting more than 200 students named Emma or Sam to the class of 2021.

Recent statistics taken by the Admissions Office show that approximately 64% of the enrolled class of 2020 is named either Sam or Emma.

“This is just the beginning of our fight against excessive homogeneity in names,” stated an admissions officer after wait-listing an applicant named Sam Barry. “We were even considering putting a cap on Connors, Jacks, Carolines, Charlottes, and Sarahs, but we still need athletes.”

The absence of anyone from the Admissions Office named Sam or Emma has lead some students to suspect an incident of bias.