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All, Bowdoin

J-Board Decision Sends Cheating Student to Bates for Spring Semester

By JACOB BASKES Feb. 1, 2017

Earlier this week, a sophomore was found guilty of cheating on a final exam. As punishment, he will be spending the remainder of the school year at Bates College.

Though the student pleaded guilty, the decision was far more serious than anyone foresaw. “I was begging them to send me home for the spring, or even take away my financial aid,” said the student. “Anything but Bates. It’s completely uncalled for.”

“It was a hard decision to come to,” said Judicial Board Advisor Lesley Levy. “We initially were going to expel the student, maybe chop off a finger, but we eventually concluded we couldn’t go easy on him. Cheating will not be tolerated here.”

All, U.S.

Trump to Nominate Pladimir Vutin to Supreme Court

By JACK ARNHOLZ  Jan. 31, 2017

WASHINGTON – President Trump will nominate Pladimir Vutin to the Supreme Court this evening in a televised, national address. Some critics are concerned that the administration is choosing a judicial novice to sit on the highest court of the land. Others are concerned that Mr. Vutin is just Russian President Vladimir Putin wearing a fake mustache.

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                            A candid shot of Mr. Vutin

In making the announcement today, a perspiring Sean Spicer, the White House Press Secretary, was seen flanked by two men wearing ushankas and leather gloves. They were introduced to the press as “Larry” and “Dave.”

Addressing those critical of Mr. Vutin’s nomination today on Fox News, Kellyanne Conway said, “Mr. Vutin is political outsider who has dedicated his life to public service, and all anyone wants to talk about is how Mr. Vutin is Vladimir Putin wearing a fake mustache.”

The Senate is expected to confirm Mr. Vutin later this month as several skeptical Senators have been reported missing fingers.

All, U.S.

The 6 People You’ll For Sure See at Christmas Dinner

By JACOB BASKES Dec. 15, 2016

1. Dad

Portrait of mature black American man.

You can’t have Christmas without Dad! He’s the one who will undoubtedly say that he’s glad everyone made it into town despite the cold weather, and then probably joke about burning dinner, only then to go and actually burn dinner. Need a little more help picking out Dad? He’s the one who’s your dad.

2. Grandma’s Friend Martha

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After 4 years of Grandma’s friend Alice coming to Christmas dinner, you think you’d be sure of her name by now. But even though Bernice was at your 13th birthday, you still aren’t sure that her name is Eliza. Just make sure to avoid saying Roberta’s name, and you’ll be set.

3. Gerald

gerald

Now this guy is a classi… wait — what? Anyone know who this guy is? He’s probably a friend of Mom’s, but no one’s really sure. Let’s not worry about him.

4. Cousin Kayla

cousin

Remember Kayla? She was your first kiss at Christmas in 2004. You haven’t seen her since last year, and she looks kind of different now. Is that a tattoo behind her ear? Shit, that’s pretty weird. It is your dad’s side of the family, after all.

5. Gerald

gerald

Anyone? We still have no clue who this guy is. I asked Mom and Grandma’s friend Karen and neither of them has ever seen the dude. If you find out, either tell Dad or call the cops, please.

6. Gerald

gerald

Okay, what the literal fuck? He’s in the kitchen licking all of the raw meat. Jesus. Someone better figure this out quick or we’re all done for.

 

 

All, Bowdoin

Orient Tops Harpoon in Annual List of Best Campus Satire

By JACOB BASKES Dec. 14, 2016

The 2016 Best Bowdoin Satire List, published Friday, named The Bowdoin Orient the 2nd best satire magazine on campus. The Bowdoin Harpoon came in 3rd.

“We’re honored to have even been placed on the list,” said a spokesperson for The Harpoon. “It’s truly amazing to be in the company of such historic and established publications like the Orient. We’re looking forward to next year, and we hope to work our way up the list.” The Orient was not available for comment.

Emails from the Bowdoin Student Government clinched the number one spot again this year, marking a fifth consecutive win for the satirists.

All, Bowdoin

Professor Really Spicing Up Class as Course Questionnaire Nears

By JAANA SINGH Dec. 14, 2016

As course questionnaires approach, Bowdoin Professor Charles Hardwick has reportedly been spicing up his History of Racial Oppression class in order to garner more positive reviews of his teaching.

During the last two weeks of the semester, the professor has dramatically altered the structure of his class, which now features homemade sugar cookies every morning, up to 40 extra credit points for laughing at his jokes, and a completely edible final exam.

Hardwick has also modified his lectures to appeal to a younger audience. “I needed to show the kids that I’m down with youth culture, that I’m on a fleek,” said Hardwick. “So now every other slide in my PowerPoint features a dank meme. Whatever it takes to connect with the students.”

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                            “This is fun. We are having fun.”

“One time he brought his 4-year-old kid to class so we’d feel obligated to write him good reviews,” said a student in Hardwick’s course. “The kid didn’t even want to be there, he was crying the whole time. Like, a solid 80 minutes of tears in a 90-minute seminar. I hope Professor Hardwick is up for tenure or something; otherwise this past week will have been the most depressing experience of my life.”

 

All, Bowdoin

7 Pictures of Grapes to Get You Through Finals

By JACOB BASKES Dec. 12, 2016

Having a tough finals week? Here are 7 pictures of grapes to help you get through it!

We did say grapes (pl), but here is one singular grape. Good enough to get you through to tomorrow!

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What we love about grapes is that no matter how many there are, they are still grapes. Why bother with the Writing Center when you can have a bunch of grapes?

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While these aren’t technically considered grapes per se, they also grow on vines. Close enough to keep your finals motor running!

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Grapes can also be close together or farther apart, like they are in this picture, and we’re still more than happy to call them grapes. Who needs a tutor when you have spread out grapes?

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We’re pretty sure Arthur has talked about grapes at least a little bit, so here’s this picture of Prof. Aardvark himself. If this doesn’t inspire you to finish up that paper, then we don’t even know what to say!

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Unfortunately, we ran out of pictures of grapes, so here is a book with the word “Grapes” in the title. Maybe you should read it?

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We’ll just leave this one here.

grapes-7

 

All, Maine

Stoner Can’t Remember If He Voted For Harambe or Jill Stein, Thinks It’s Funny Either Way

By JACK ARNHOLZ Dec 9, 2016

Brunswick stoner Ed Shore is unsure whether he voted for Harambe or Jill Stein in the recent presidential election; however, he says it is funny either way. “You see, man, I got inside the booth-thing and I know I voted for someone,” said Shore, “I’m just not sure who.”

“I mean, the Jill Stein circle was so close to where I might have written in Harambe, so who really knows, man?” Shore continued. When asked if he felt ashamed, Shore said, “Definitely not. It’s hilarious. Harambe is a dead gorilla! Imagine him as president! It’s almost as funny as Jill Stein.”

When asked why he found Jill Stein’s candidacy funny, Shore said, “I mean, she helped a man who goes against everything she believes in get into office. Well, I think they are both anti-vaxers, so I guess not quite everything.”

 

All, U.S.

Report: 23% of Nation Currently Hovering Hand Over Lit Stove Just to Feel Something

By HUGO HENTOFF Dec. 7, 2016

A recent study conducted at the University of Wisconsin found that on any given day an average of 23% of Americans are hovering their hand over a lit stove just to feel something.

Head researcher Martha Long commented, “Some people just keep their hand over the fire for a few seconds, some leave it there for up to four minutes. Heat blisters aside, I’m happy that Americans are still finding new and inventive ways to prove to themselves they still possess the capability to feel.”

“I walk through the world dead inside,” said 9-year-old Toby Chestnut, “but when I stick my hand over the flames, I feel pain. It’s better than nothing.”

The researches also found that an average of up to 6% of Americans drink scotch while wearing their aunt’s bra just to see if they experience any sensation at all.

All, Maine

Number of Reported Blackouts Drastically Increasing Across Brunswick, Maine

By PAUL GARLICK Dec. 6, 2016

After a week of unusual weather, the number of Brunswick residents experiencing blackouts has increased to nearly 87%.

When asked why so many people have taken to drinking to get through these power outages, one of the inebriated patrons, Jan Locust, said, “I gotta grap and frob or Walmart cause the bear needs me.” Another resident, seven-year-old Dan Long, was asked the same question multiple times but would not get up from his position, face first in his own vomit, to comment.

The Brunswick Police Department has released a statement that they are doing their best to quickly and efficiently restore power and sobriety to Brunswick but have no timetable because they too are experiencing uncommonly high rates of blackouts.