By SUMMERS ASKEW Nov. 11, 2016

An intoxicated male student was transported from Reed House last Saturday. The physician on call diagnosed the student a “fuckin’ wimp.”

“Yeah, what’s with this kid”, said Dr. Robert Dennison III, the emergency physician who treated the student. “I’m fifty-eight and could handle more. There’s no excuse for coming in at 10:30pm on a Saturday after just two shots and a couple of beers – no excuse.”

The Bowdoin Harpoon has reached out to the student but he has neglected to offer any comments on the diagnosis, likely due to that fact that he’s a fuckin’ wimp.

Image Source: Pexels

By EMMA KELLOGG Nov. 8, 2016

The Bowdoin Bubble is set to undergo routine maintenance and upgrades starting this Saturday and continuing through the following week, announced Facilities Management.

Facilities warned that during this time students may experience a range of strange phenomena, ranging from a few inconvenient truths to full blown reality. The college, however, is fully equipped to deal with the mechanical and emotional inconveniences that often arise during Bubble upkeep.

The community can also expect some “fun new features” to be added to The Bubble, such as “social media synchronization” and “personalized reality filtration.” Overall though, Facilities Management stresses that this is a temporary Bubble outage and full-world insulation will be restored and fully functioning by next Sunday.

Image source: Under the Dome

By SAM HALPERT Nov. 4, 2016

Freshman hockey player Jack Levine was spotted Saturday morning departing on the Amtrak Northeast Regional train to Boston where he was met by two of his three loving children and his four grandchildren.

Upon arriving at his son’s home in Waltham, Mass., Levine took a two-hour nap in the guest bedroom. Later, Levine was sighted playing scrabble with his grandchildren before visiting his family’s lawyer to finalize his will. After making plans to play golf with the attorney the following day, Levine returned to his son’s home for a late 5:45pm dinner.

After a relaxing weekend with his children, grandchildren, and attorney, Levine returned to Winthrop Hall where, sources confirmed, he taped a sheet of paper to the outside of his door, labeling his room, “The Fornication Station.”

By JACOB BASKES Nov. 2, 2016

We’ve all had our struggles with dining hall food, so check out these five ways to make the most out of your meal, but also take note of the lack of attention put into these pictures of the National Treasure himself with forks instead of hands.

1. Try this tongue-tingling tomato trick

This little recipe is a must when you have fresh tomatoes on hand. Fill a small bowl with cherry or grape tomatoes, then add a dash of olive oil and a big pinch of salt. Toss until the oil and salt are distributed evenly, but make sure you notice how terribly these two forks are just popped right onto those meaty paws.

2. Make your own panini with items from the salad bar

Here’s one for the picky eaters who can’t handle a plain grilled cheese. Grab two slices of hearty artisan bread and stuff ‘em full with sliced meats, cheeses, dressing, and some veggies from the salad bar, but also try not to cry at the clear lack of effort put into photoshopping Poseidon’s utensil onto the meat fingers of the greatest actor of our time.

3. Ask the guy behind the counter for the special of the day

This one’s a bit trickier to execute. Some days, you can secretly ask the man behind the buffet for today’s special. Only on certain days will you get the prize, but please, these pictures are getting old. It seems that no one can convincingly replace my uncle’s hands with these metal prosthetics.

4. Turn your dining hall experience into an eleven course meal

Do you have the time? Then make sure to grab an infinitesimally small amount of each of the dishes being offered at the buffet and place it on a very large plate in an artful manner. By your eleventh time making the trip to the dining hall, you may be hungry enough for dinner, but not hungry enough to ignore the pure disgrace that is this shamefully altered photo.

5. Just eat it

Your dining hall food has consistently been rated the best in the country, so just eat the damn stuff. You literally have mussels every other week and three prepared salads a day, so just forget about this whole list, except for this disgraceful example of “art,” in which there was clearly no care in representing the moccasined actor in his natural repose.

By SUMMERS ASKEW Oct. 30, 2016

A Bowdoin student diagnosed with amnesia is on the road to recovery after beginning to piece together his life story using the stickers on his Nalgene water bottle.

“So far, I’ve learned that my name is Patagonia,” said the student, “and that I do a lot of things in the dark, namely ‘It.’ I’m also really good friends with some guy named Bernie, and I guess I like something called a Sugarloaf? It sounds delicious.”

“I’m grateful to my past self,” Patagonia continued. “It really helps to have a convenient and portable collection of all my notable life experiences. I still don’t know what the little pink whale is for, though. What mysteries could she hold?”

Reports show that 76% of Bowdoin students own Nalgene water bottles with at least one sticker, while only 0.00108% of students at Bowdoin have ever experienced amnesia.