by STUDENT AUTHOR Oct. 30, 2019

This morning, senior Mark P. Ullout was on the receiving end of a miracle in the middle of Thorne Dining Hall—in a turn of events that Ullout called “a gift from Yahweh Himself,” the athlete was able to successfully avoid interacting with the female student he was inside of this past Saturday evening. Thankful to have evaded the consequences of his questionable drunken decisions, Ullout described a scene that he claimed was nearly “a complete and utter fucking nightmare.” The self-described “athletic star,” who received an astounding 17 minutes and 32 seconds of playing time this past season, shocked Harpoon reporters with his descriptions of his traumatizing close call. 

by DAN RALSTON Oct. 28, 2019

Miles Uplook ‘20 admits that she has never been the ‘cool athlete’ or the ‘crunchy English major’.  “I live a quiet life, and honestly until yesterday, nothing remarkable had ever happened to me,” said Uplook.  But, on October 27th, Uplook became the first student in recent Bowdoin history to go a day without any Wifi troubles.   

By PATRICK LYNOTT Sep. 19, 2019

The recent launch of Bowdoin’s partnership with Handshake, a community-based site for job postings and networking, has provided a venue for many students to connect with potential employers.

For one unfortunate student, however, the process has been a little less gratifying. Jebediah Sprout, class of ‘21, told the Harpoon that he had trouble identifying the correct URL. Citing “an inability to read effectively and a frank reluctance to learn,” he instead found himself perusing an adult website.

“It must have been autocorrect, because I would never associate myself with such a demeaning website,” said Jebediah, who somehow also managed to enroll himself in a yearly plan on the adult website. “That kind of stuff just isn’t me. My intention was to learn how to network and connect with alumni, not scroll through thumbnails of people spanking it. And by ‘it’ I mean a pale Bulgarian prostitute with breast implants.” 

Sprout, who is obviously a liar with no interest in being employed, says his thoughts about joining Handshake and his future are complicated: “On one hand, having a job would be great, but on the other… is my own penis. Do you see what I’m saying?”

Sprout can often be seen in sweatpants, sitting in the back of each of his classes, dimming the brightness of his laptop any time someone looks over at him, claiming he just doesn’t want others to see his “professional network.”

by BLAINE STEVENS September 9, 2019

Note: this article has been edited. Please contact us directly with any concerns at thebowdoinharpoon@gmail.com

This past Wednesday, the Office of Residential Life announced ground-breaking new changes to the college’s event registration system with an addition to the A-Host system. Calling the changes “innovative” and “much needed,” Residential Life has stated that lower-tier College Houses will now have to abide by the new B-Host system and will be banned from using the well-known A-Host system.