Category: Bowdoin

All, Bowdoin, Miscellaneous

I’m sooooo Close to Joining Bowdoin Edges

by NOAH SAPERSTEIN | Oct 21st, 2023

As winter quickly approaches, I am looking forward to participating in the seasonal festivities Bowdoin College has to offer. I will frolic in the snow, make the trek to the lighthouse for some underwhelming functions, and maybe even delight in a warm cup of tea (coffee gives me anxiety.) I am also veryyyyy excited to join the ice skating club, Bowdoin Edges.

I am so so so close to joining Bowdoin Edges but they won’t let me… at least not yet. A week ago I emailed and I reallllyyyyy wanted to join. Literally drooling over the thought of it, I reached out to the club’s leaders and received this reply: “Hi Noah, Unfortunately, we only start meeting in late November! If you want to join Bowdoin Edges, you can come. But not yet. You’re gonna have to really, really beg. We want to see the desire in your eyes (to ice skate)!”

Fuck I want to join so bad and they know it. They know how much I want to join their club and they love making me wait. To skate across a frozen pond or the hockey rink sounds euphoric but I’m not allowed, at least not quite yet. Until November, I guess I’ll just try to skate by myself but it’s just not the same.

(As a disclaimer, the people who run and participate in Bowdoin Edges are the nicest, most innocent human beings I have encountered at Bowdoin. This is obviously why the club has never thought twice about the name and all of us who thought this article was funny should be shamed as disgusting sexual perverts. To the humble members of Bowdoin Edges, don’t change the name.. at least not quite yet.)

All, Bowdoin

Clayton Rose Enjoyed His Investment Banking Summer Internship

by SIMON THOMAS | Sep 21st, 2023

BRUNSWICK — LinkedIn connections of newly-former president Clayton Rose were greeted with an exciting news Thursday morn- ing: he really had a great time on Wall Street this summer. Rose, 78, wrote that he “had a really great time as a Risk Analysis intern at JP Morgan this summer.” He is “excited to gain further experience in such an exciting and dynamic field” and feels that he will be able to “make the world a better place by analyzing broad market trends and macroeconomic factors that may impact investment performance.” Clayton did not specify whether or not he received a return offer for next summer.

All, Bowdoin

Mac House “Three-peat” Revoked after Widespread Doping Scandal

by NOAH SAPERSTEIN | Sep 21st, 2023

One of the most important events of the year is the House Olympics. Hosted by the ResLife team, House Olympics are an amazing opportunity to drink a ton of alcohol and pull or push things. The contest consists of a myriad of events including tug of war (a bit dramatic of a name for what it really entails in my opinion), trivia, a silly game with a hula hoop, dodgeball, and more.

What people may not know is that the games were founded by Gamemaster Alex Gates
in order to prevent the constant warring between house factions. Starting in 1997, guerilla warfare had ravaged Bowdoin’s campus, leading to an all time low yield and, more importantly to the board of directors, all time low revenue generated. Seeking solutions, they decided to begin the House Olympics as an alternative through which house rage could be funneled. Since then, the games have been incredibly exciting and important to each new class of sophomores.

Gates, now maybe 24ish, was hired by Bowdoin because he possesses a very sexy calm poise and magnificent posture (a big deal for prospective Gamemasters). As a side note, Alex Gates put two random dudes into the living room of my college house last year and it was wack. Like they just closed the doors and lived there and that was that. “But Noah! They probably had no other place to go right?” Wrong! There were open spots on campus that were actual dorm rooms! It really pissed me off. Also his pants are too tight. Anyway.

In the year of our lord 2023, House Olympics were won by the same house that had won twice in a row in 2022 and 2021: MacMillian. While they have long been regarded as a well rounded team of individuals, many scouts reported it was their sheer strength that af- forded them an easy win.

To learn more, I interviewed a defeated Reed resident, Pat Johnson, who had just been defeated in Gates’ newest addition to the games: bare-knuckle boxing. “They are fucking monsters!” Screamed Johnson, blood streaming down his face, “I need an ambu- lance. Please!” A hulking man dressed in Mac House attire stood over him, still angry. In tug of war, four Baxter students lost fingers as the rope was violently pulled out of their grasp. In dodgeball, a Helmreich resident became comatose following a triumphant win by Mac. Following these reports, Randy Nichols ordered mandatory drug test- ing for all participation. They tested positive for 7 controlled substances.

When pressed for comment, Gamemaster Alex Gates released a statement following the drug tests:
“I’m tired of motherfuckers in school tellin’ me, always in the barbershop

“Mac House ain’t ‘bout this, Mac House ain’t ‘bout that”
My house a BD, on fuckin’ Lamron and them He, he, they say that house don’t be puttin’ in no work

Shut the fuck up, y’all academic staff and students ain’t know shit
All y’all motherfuckers talkin’ about
“Mac house ain’t no hitter, Mac house ain’t this, Mac house a fake,

Shut the fuck up!”

All, Bowdoin

Bowdoin Men Continue To Protest Fashion Week by Dressing The Same As They Always Have

by GARY OHIO | March 12th, 2023

As fashion week sets in, male students are amidst an unspoken uproar about the latest trends, successful in their goal to stop them dead in their tracks. This fleeting grassroots movement has catapulted into a scene of continuously boring fashion choices, consisting mostly of the typical gray sweatpant-hoodie-flannel combo we’ve seen on this campus time and time again. Campus-run activism has even convinced the infamous Emo Townies of Brunswick to stick to their platform boots, long cardigans, and box dyed black hair. Even as the weather begins to warm up, students’ clothing remains just as uninteresting and stale as it was before. 

Only a couple days into around-the-clock silent protesting, word has already spread to local shops. Brunswick tanning salons who initially cleared their schedules in anticipation of the campus’s participation in fashion week are complaining that no one has so much as walked by their storefronts. Cindy Lou from Starz Hair Studio located on Maine Street lamented, “Bowdoin men’s hair styles have always looked like Brad Pitt’s greasy long mane after he steps off the set of World War Z. And nothing has changed. It’s gotten out of hand.” What Cindy has failed to recognize, however, is that it’s not that Bowdoin students don’t give a fuck, it’s that they actively shit on fashion through their choice to regularly (and now purposefully) fall below the standard.

However, it must be noted that a wide range of Bowdoin men seem to already be in on some of the most brilliant and fashion-forward styles we’ve seen in the streets of New York. They have taken Collina Strada’s animal inspired collection almost a little too literally by mimicking a scummy rat look. By refusing to take a shower at least once every week and consistently failing to shave their irregular facial hair, Strada can view male Bowdoin students as the embodiment of her rat-people collection in the real world rather than merely on the runway. 

Collina Strada model

By rejecting fast fashion trends in the form of recycling the same outfit semester after semester, Bowdoin men demonstrate resistance unlike any other. But much like the rest of society, they have, once again, placed all of the burden on the gays to be the most stylish motherfuckers out there. 

Bowdoin, Maine

FROM THE SPECIAL COLLECTIONS ARCHIVES: Student Probably Invincible After Getting Nine Flu Shots

by JACOB BASKES December, 2019

Every fall, members of the World Health Organization’s Global Influenza Surveillance and Response System analyze millions of data points to make a best guess as to what the upcoming winter’s flu strain will be. According to the team’s publicly available statistics, it is wrong an encouraging 84% of the time. In response to the process’ uncertainty, Bowdoin Senior and vaccine aficionado Lianna Hernandez opted to get not one, not five, but nine different flu shots.

Bowdoin Health Services began offering flu vaccinations in October, opening its office to students twice per month for one day of free flu shots. Hernandez attended each one, but “it simply wasn’t often enough,” she said.

“I loved the rush, and I needed to feel absolutely invincible. You never know which strain of flu will be big this year. German bug flu? Check. Bolivian hammer flu? I’m on it.” She cycled through the Midcoast Hospital, the Midcoast Walk-in Clinic, and the Thornton Oaks Retirement Community until she had received a total of nine vaccinations. “I feel great,” she said. “I think.”

The immunity has not come without its downsides. Since Hernandez began her vaccination spree, she has grown three extra toes and lost the ability to blink. As a consequence, she has also developed a persistent case of pink eye and has been consistently leaving class to dunk her head in a bucket of warm water that, thankfully, her professors have allowed her to keep outside in the hallway.

Bowdoin

Brunswick Divorce Lawyers “Completely Overwhlemed” One Week after Release of Marriage Pact Matches 

by SPENCER SUSSMAN October 6th, 2021

Merely one week after the Bowdoin Marriage Pact released their matches to students, Brunswick divorce lawyers are reporting a massive, overwhelming demand for their services. “He just isn’t the guy I met yesterday in Thorne anymore,” one Bowdoin divorcee explained.

Bowdoin divorce lawyers say that it isn’t only the quantity of divorce filings that is shocking, but also the cut-throat nature of the settlements.

“One of my clients lost 250 polar points and his dorm’s mini-fridge,” one lawyer explained. In one particularly tragic case, a despicably horny First-Year was lured into a brutal prenup agreement by a seductive super-senior and lost his entire meal plan. When asked about this horribly unfortunate settlement, the First-Year said “At least I hit bro.”

UPDATE: Sources have clarified that the claims made earlier by the despicably horny First-Year were false; as expected, the First-Year did not ”hit” but rather lied to our faces for clout. We apologize for any confusion his statement may have spurned.

All, Bowdoin

In the Wake of FreeCycle, Students Left Shocked and Disappointed by the Quality of Their Peers’ Garbage 

BY: Emma Kilbride September 25th, 2021

Last week, Bowdoin students gathered at the Office of Sustainability to participate in this year’s FreeCycle, a yearly event flocked to by students seeking to absolve themselves of environmental guilt and to hoard their peers’ garbage. Many students, however, found themselves unimpressed with the offerings at 10 Cleveland Street, which apparently ranged from mildly underwhelming to downright hazardous.

One student reports having been delighted to pick up a seemingly brand-new microwave before transporting it home, opening it, and being greeted by an unwelcome surprise: the fermenting remains of what appeared to be a grab-and-go Lumbo Basswich Wrapini. According to the student, who wishes to remain anonymous, “shit was low key rancid as fuck.”

This rotten bass mishap seems relatively tame compared to the FreeCycle misfortunes of some other students, one of which resulted in a medical emergency. On Tuesday night, sophomore Kyle Higgenbottom was rushed to Maine Medical Center after being anally impaled by the leg of a defective lawn chair he had acquired at the Office of Sustainability just days prior.

Brandon Allen ‘23, a FreeCycler who had hoped to outfit the kitchen in his new apartment, found that his experience was marred by the unlikely presence of a recently cancelled celebrity. “I found this Chrissy Teigen for Target meat cleaver, but then I read on Buzzfeed News that she told someone to take a dirt nap, which is like, super messed up,” Allen recalls. “I’ll probably just use it as a poop knife or something.”

Other reported FreeCycle disappointments include a collection of (used) Sonicare toothbrush heads, a single Wii nunchuk, and an iCarly beach towel with “some sort of funky crust on it”. The Office of Sustainability declined our request for comment.

All, Bowdoin

Alcohol-Related Transports at Record Low; Peer Health Cites New Online Newsletter As Primary Cause

BY: WILL HAUSMANN Oct. 27, 2020

After six full weekends on campus, there has been a shockingly small number of transports to Mid Coast Hospital due to the over-imbibing of alcohol. Only four students have found themselves taking an unplanned ambulance ride, according to data the Harpoon obtained from the Office of Safety and Security. This represents a 71% decline in transports, compared to an average of 13.7 transports through six weekends in previous years.

Members of Peer Health are suggesting the decline can be attributed to their decision to introduce a virtual newsletter each week, starting in late March of last academic year. “We decided that Peer Health needed a messaging change, so we chose an email newsletter instead of posters because it’s a digital age and stuff,” Darren Shepherd ‘21 told the Harpoon. “After realizing the screenagers of today spend all of their time on the toilet staring at their phones instead of the Stall Street Journal, we realized we needed to go virtual to be successful.”

Susan Seuss ‘21 , a Biology major, aspiring research MD, and co-leader of Peer Health, said she is investigating this effect for her honors project this year. “I conducted a double-blind, peer-reviewed experiment comparing the transport rates of students who identify as ‘Active’ vs ‘Inactive’ readers of Peer Health content,” Seuss said. She went on to say that her data “absolutely guarantees” that the newsletter is preventing transports.

When asked whether COVID and social distancing guidelines could be attributed to the lower number of transports, Seuss and Shepherd said there was “weak causality at best.”

Still, not all students are ready to accept Peer Health’s explanation. According to Orson Digby Palmer V, self-described “beer maven” and third generation member of the lacrosse team, the sole reason for the decline is “this year’s crop of first years are simply not as cool as that of previous years,” and they lack the “100 kegs or bust” mentality exemplified by our newest Supreme Court justice,

All, Bowdoin

BPD Shuts Down College House Zoom Party

By JACQUELINE BOBEN Apr. 4, 2020

On Sunday, March 30th (or was it Saturday? I have lost track of the days and my pants) many College Houses decided to hold their weekly house “meetings”. They had been advertising their gatherings as “open events” to all students, telling them, “No I.D., No Meeting ID”. This did nothing to impede the Brunswick Police Department’s apparently continued commitment to ensure that students respect the law.

Continue reading “BPD Shuts Down College House Zoom Party” →
All, Bowdoin, Maine, U.S.

Vans Headed to Polls Create Major Pileup on Maine Street

by JACOB BASKES Mar. 3, 2020

Today is Super Tuesday—the one day during election season in which 14 states head to the polls. In order to encourage campus participation in the Democratic primaries, vans have been leaving campus every thirty seconds to take students to their local polling place. The high number of vans, however, along with the fact that a majority of drivers are from California, have led to a seventeen-van pileup in downtown Brunswick.

Continue reading “Vans Headed to Polls Create Major Pileup on Maine Street” →