Category: Miscellaneous

All, Bowdoin, Miscellaneous

Alert! Your Girlfriend’s Birthday Was Yesterday

HENRY STACK

BRUNSWICK, ME–I realized something was off with my girlfriend on a weekend trip to Canada with the boys. While I was getting crunked on the streets of Montreal with the boys, my girlfriend’s disposition became noticeably different. She was upset and frustrated and it almost seemed like my drunk calls at 1am from the streets of Montreal were not only not making her feel better, but actually making her feel worse. I could not figure out what was happening and everytime I asked she responded with “I’m fine” which seemed to be pretty conclusive evidence that she was totally okay. Yet finally I figured it out–she told me that I had gone to Montreal to get ham-sauced with the boys on her 20th birthday. 

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All, Bowdoin, Miscellaneous

Bowdoin Appoints Dean of Dean of Dean of Students 

SPENCER SUSSMAN AND NOAH SAPERSTEIN

On Tuesday, President Zaki announced that Bowdoin would be creating a new and important position at the college: the Dean of Dean of Dean of Students. In her email, President Zaki explained that “this position will help our Dean of Dean of Students supply specific and broad support to the Dean of Students.”

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All, Bowdoin, Miscellaneous, U.S.

I Had Phone Sex With My Alumni Connection 

RIO HANSON

After a year of telling my parents that my Gender, Sexuality, and Women’s Studies major would lead to job prospects it was finally time to tap into the illustrious Bowdoin alumni network at Sophomore Bootcamp. I immediately felt out of place as my finance bro friends regaled me with stories of snorting lines and doing time in minimum security prisons with their alumni connections. I felt lost, searching for a connection that would appreciate feminist literature as much as I do (6’ 3” btw). 

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All, Holiday, Miscellaneous

Top 5 Genmojis to Send to Your Valentine

MATTHEW STEIN

Now, if you have an iPhone 15 Pro or iPhone 16, you have the option to generate your own custom emojis using Apple Generative AI. These AI emojis, called genmojis, are the cutest thing to hit the internet since puppy gifs! The Harpoon staff and I compiled this list of prompts to generate the absolute most adorable genmojis to send to your special someone, friends, or family members this Valentine’s Day.

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All, Bowdoin, Miscellaneous, U.S.

Overall-Wearing Student Well-Prepared for Surprise Cow Shit Tilling Competition

BY SPENCER SUSSMAN

Overalls, rated dead last for pieces of clothing you want to be wearing if you need to quickly pee, have become popular among the student body. Originally designed to protect wearers from injury while farming, fishing, or mining, overalls now serve as an easily identifiable marker of someone who went on a multi-thousand dollar outdoor leadership program during their gap year. 

While overalls may seem impractical for Bowdoin students engaged in a life of little to no physically demanding work, they served highly useful for one student last Thursday. 

Patt A. Gonia, a first-year in Professor Aviva Briefel’s Victorian Ghosts and Monsters course in the English department, came to class last week sporting his finest pair of Carhart overalls. The usual lecture material analyzing the ghosts and ghouls emerging from the pages of Victorian narratives turned unexpected when Professor Briefel dropped a gallon of cow manure at each students’ desk and instructed them to follow her to the quad for a tilling competition. 

Most students in the class were woefully unprepared for the surprise cow manure spreading activity, dawning two-piece outfits that left a gaping hole between their jeans and hoodie that was quickly infiltrated by copious amounts of fertilizing animal feces. 

Patt, however, could be seen smiling ear to ear. “I knew a day like this would come,” he remarked. His one-piece, heavyweight bib overalls provided ample durability and protection, allowing him to easily spread the cow manure across his plot of land without fear of shit seeping into any exposed areas of skin. He easily won the manure spreading competition. 

Bowdoin, Miscellaneous

Students Divided Over Whether to Call Professors by First or Last Name While Exchanging Sexual Favors for Better Grades

BY ZAIN BLAIR

Revealing widespread division among the student body, a shocking poll published Monday by the Bowdoin Student Government showed that students were nearly evenly split on whether they should refer to their professors by their first or last name while engaging in sexual acts to boost their grades.

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All, Bowdoin, Miscellaneous, World

An Ode to the New York Synagogue Tunnels

by STAFF WRITER  | Feb 2nd, 2024

As a young Jewish boy growing up in New York City, there were many places throughout the city that served as cultural landmarks for my religious identity. My synagogue blocks away from our apartment. The 2nd Ave Deli where we would frequent on weekends. The tunnel beneath the Chabad-Lubavitch global headquarters in Crown Heights. 

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All, Bowdoin, Miscellaneous

Bowdoin Ski Team Decides Enough of No Snow!

by RITZ BORDIA  | Jan 25th, 2024

After a season-long struggle with ice-covered slopes, the Bowdoin Alpine Ski Team has taken matters into their own hands—or rather, their own snow machines. The decision to manufacture their winter wonderland came to fruition during their weekly Thursday night Bolos trip, where the team gathered to discuss the dire need for a more traditional skiing experience.

“We were tired of pretending we were auditioning for a figure skating competition every time we hit the slopes,” remarked a team captain with a twirl and triple axel on the metaphorical ice they have been dealing with. “It was time to bring back the fluffy white stuff that makes skiing, well, skiing.”

Armed with determination and a singular STEM major, the team embarked on a mission to create the perfect snow. The concoction has been affectionately named “Powder-on-the-Go” by its members and is quickly spreading across the campus. 

“We’re basically pioneers of the snow frontier,” said the closest thing to a scientist the team has (an EOS major). “Since they go to a safety school, the Colby Ski Club may have given up, but not us Bears!” 

Due to an unfortunate YikYak leak, this special “Powder-on-the-Go” recipe has been released. Doing my due diligence, and in an effort of transparency, I have provided this recipe but have been told I am not legally allowed to tell you the exact proportions (but, hint, just, like, go look at YikYak).

Ingredients:

  • Coca leaves (preferably from the Andes)
  • Gasoline (obviously)
  • Sulfuric Acid
  • Potassium Permanganate (what?)
  • Sodium Carbonate (for that Fizz)
  • Acetone (for the smell)
  • Hydrochloric acid 
  • Water (stay hydrated!)
  • Baking Soda
  • A sprinkle of fairy dust (apparently, the team has their own fairy farm)

Recipe:

  1. Soak the coca leaves in gasoline for exactly 3 hours. No more, no less
  2. Drain the gasoline
  3. Add sulfuric acid to the mix
  4. Add potassium permanganate and water. If your mixture is purple, you’re on the right track
  5. Strain the mixture and add the sodium carbonate
  6. Add acetone and let that shit evaporate. Your snow should now be sticky and almost perfect
  7. Dissolve in hydrochloric acid
  8. Add some more water and the baking soda, and make that Fizz (I lied; it was not from the sodium carbonate)
  9. Filter, add your fairy dust, and you will be left with the perfect snow
  10. Go snor- I mean, ski!

With love,

A Bowdoin ski and ride member

This article is being monitored by Homeland Security. 

All, Bowdoin, Maine, Miscellaneous

Lean and Green: Bowdoin Organic Garden loses employees to starvation after less than bountiful harvest.

by TYLER DEANE  | Feb 8th, 2024

Do you ever wonder where your daily apple from Fast Track comes from? When you crunch on a cucumber from the Thorne salad bar, do you think, “where did this meal start its journey?” It most likely did not start at the Bowdoin Organic Garden. This past fall harvest left something to be desired for those who rely on the BOG’s fruitful exports.

The Sustainability Office, I think, runs the garden, where they grow a vast array of crops right next to the maintenance vehicle parking spot behind Osher Hall. The plants produced here are used as the sole food source for a small group of BOC adjacent kids who till the half-acre plot each season Their scraps turn into the steamed vegetables you passed up at Moulton in favor of ghost pepper mac and cheese.

With the worldwide climate reaching indisputable never-before-seen extremes (allegedly) and the squirrels being extra hungry this year, this growing season was one of the most pitiful on record. This has led to sorrowful consequences, including the deaths of two of the aforementioned farmers, Nalgene McMassachusetts (‘26) and Brian “My dad is a Boeing executive” Calhoun (‘24). Even more horrific, the dining halls now have exclusively store bought hot sauce. The leaders of the garden have decided that to ensure their cornucopias never run dry again, they will be implementing the use of MiracleGro and a guy named Jebediah with a chin beard (pictured below) to stand out there and watch over the land.