Category: U.S.

All, U.S.

My Honest Take on the Trump Administration*

*Edits to this article were made possible by the Trump Administration

In 2024, President Donald J. Trump was re-elected President of the United States of America. Since then, kajfhskfjkafjadfjadklkajfhe’s done kfjkafjadfjadklkajfhskfjkafjadfjadkl                       kajfhskfjkafjadfjadklkgreatfjkafjadfjadklkajfhskfjkafjadfjadklkajfhskfjkafjadfjadklkajfhskjobkfjk

fjIdfjadklkajfhskfjkafjadfjadklkajfhslojkafjadfjadklkajfhskfvekafjadfjadklkajfhskTrump.

He is the kdfjsklfjdkaskjfdalfj jfklajfkajsdkajsdaksjdalkjflkadjfalkdfjlakfjaldkjfa greatest salkjalsdjlsdjasdjalsdjaskdjalsdjasdkjasperson kasdkjasddioaskldjfasjkalsdsahdasddkhaj to hold office.

The work he has done is unlike anything I’ve ever seen before. Adkasjdljsadjdhaskdhasdhasdjasdhasdkjahsdkhasdkahsddasdjhaskdhaskh To the people that elected him, djskdjaldjsakdjaskdljdjsdlkjdksdddc  djskdjaldjsakdjaskdljdjs dlkjdksdddc djskdjaldjsakdjaskdljdjsdlkjdksdddcdjskdjaldjsakdjaskdljdjsdlkjdksdddc djskdjaldjsa

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All, U.S., World

Trump Tariffs Make Everything Cheaper and Better and More Awesome

We don’t make anything anymore! Everything’s from Mexico or Africa or CHINA. We used to make things, and China would buy those things from us! It doesn’t happen like that anymore… But Trump is gonna change all that. Basically, we put a tariff on a country and they pay for it. Let’s say you wanna buy a 50 inch flat screen OLED display television from Samsung. It costs $200. If we do a 50% tariff on China, that means they pay for half of it. So you get the TV for $100! Now that Trump is President, a guy like me can get a new TV for half off! I’ve wanted a new TV for a while, and I know that millions of good, god-fearing Americans want the same things that I want. Trump’s gonna give it to us, and we’re gonna love it!

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All, Bowdoin, Miscellaneous, U.S.

I Had Phone Sex With My Alumni Connection 

After a year of telling my parents that my Gender, Sexuality, and Women’s Studies major would lead to job prospects it was finally time to tap into the illustrious Bowdoin alumni network at Sophomore Bootcamp. I immediately felt out of place as my finance bro friends regaled me with stories of snorting lines and doing time in minimum security prisons with their alumni connections. I felt lost, searching for a connection that would appreciate feminist literature as much as I do (6’ 3” btw). 

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All, Bowdoin, Maine, U.S.

Burnett House Replaced With Giant Pile of Sand

In a surprising turn of events, Burnett House has been replaced with a giant pile of sand. The pile is about 35 feet tall, and around 7000 square feet, essentially replicating the exact dimensions of Burnett House but in sand. It’s like if the house had never existed and instead there was just a house-sized pile of sand, but no one could live in it and it no longer had a dumpster where I could throw out the trash from my off-campus house.

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Op-Ed, U.S., World

Opinion: Yoda’s strict Jedi textualism bolstered the rise of anti-republican sentiment among the Umbarans, leading to Vader’s rise

Jedi textualism, the interpretative approach which focuses on close observance of the Jedi Code, cemented itself as the dominant mode of Jedi engagement throughout the late Clone Wars. The Jedi textualist approach, which became particularly popular within populist Alderaanian system and Republican Naboo parsec, was propagated primarily through the doctrine of Jedi Grand Master Yoda. Yoda’s prodigal rise through the Jedi order among peers like Plo Koon, Yaddle, Pra-Tre Veter, Brandon Nimmo, Yarael Poof, Isaac Okoro, Oppo Rancisis, Mace Windu, Julius Randle, Tera Sinube, Cohmac Vitusm, and Sifo-Dyas, was unprecedented in galactic history and can be attributed to his strict adherence to mystical doctrine as it was written during the Dawn of the Jedi.

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All, Bowdoin, Miscellaneous, U.S.

Overall-Wearing Student Well-Prepared for Surprise Cow Shit Tilling Competition

Overalls, rated dead last for pieces of clothing you want to be wearing if you need to quickly pee, have become popular among the student body. Originally designed to protect wearers from injury while farming, fishing, or mining, overalls now serve as an easily identifiable marker of someone who went on a multi-thousand dollar outdoor leadership program during their gap year. 

While overalls may seem impractical for Bowdoin students engaged in a life of little to no physically demanding work, they served highly useful for one student last Thursday. 

Patt A. Gonia, a first-year in Professor Aviva Briefel’s Victorian Ghosts and Monsters course in the English department, came to class last week sporting his finest pair of Carhart overalls. The usual lecture material analyzing the ghosts and ghouls emerging from the pages of Victorian narratives turned unexpected when Professor Briefel dropped a gallon of cow manure at each students’ desk and instructed them to follow her to the quad for a tilling competition. 

Most students in the class were woefully unprepared for the surprise cow manure spreading activity, dawning two-piece outfits that left a gaping hole between their jeans and hoodie that was quickly infiltrated by copious amounts of fertilizing animal feces. 

Patt, however, could be seen smiling ear to ear. “I knew a day like this would come,” he remarked. His one-piece, heavyweight bib overalls provided ample durability and protection, allowing him to easily spread the cow manure across his plot of land without fear of shit seeping into any exposed areas of skin. He easily won the manure spreading competition. 

Bowdoin, U.S.

Day After Election, A Solemn Nate Hintze Debuts Boring, Beige Khakis

The results of the election two weeks ago had serious effects on many people on campus. Some wore black, others skipped class, and most seemed generally dejected. Perhaps no one had a harder time with the results than Nate Hintze, head of student activities. On Wednesday, credible sources said that he was wearing regular, normal tan khaki pants.

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All, Bowdoin, U.S.

James Goldman and William Sachs Find Surprising Success at Goldman Sachs Internship

In America you can make something out of nothing. People all over the country wake up each morning and work hard and feed kids. They work hard and they succeed. Anyone can be anything in America. This is what James Goldman ‘27 and William Sachs ‘25 learned this summer working at Goldman Sachs. 

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All, Maine, U.S.

I Voted at All Seven Polling Locations in Cumberland County—These Were My Top Five
  1. Mt. Ararat High School Gymnasium – ★★★★

The Mt. Ararat gym is legendary stuff for Cumberland County voting enthusiasts. I pulled my PT Cruiser up to the tennis courts at 6:47 and was finished writing in candidates by 6:58. Be warned that they do have plastic covering the hardwood floor, making it hard to get a proper pickup game going. If you bring your own ball you can get some shots up after submitting your ballot, but watch out for the slightly tall rims. 

Continue reading “I Voted at All Seven Polling Locations in Cumberland County—These Were My Top Five” →